Dilema or is this my fault

[Anonymous]

Have a great co-worker guy that we get a long great. Decent age difference between us so never really a romantic twist to this. Like a lot of the same things and just in general enjoy each others company. I am single and he was single when our friendship really got started. We would send pictures of how much snow we had at our homes. Text about shows and books and just general every day stuff. Sometimes phone calls that go on for a bit but mostly working out things like taxes or a recipe or something truly mundane. I think of him as little brother and give advice on finances and when his child is sick when to take to doctor and things like that. He started dating a really nice girl and things have progressed to the point that they are engaged and about to get married. She lives in another state and will be moving here.

Once they got engaged I figured our chatty, chatty every day thing would start to taper off a bit cause things were changing in his life. Much like you may not have as much time for your sister once you have a girlfriend. It hasn't it has gotten more and more in past 3-4 months. Now he is calling daily on the way to work and on the way home and then texting in the evening. Nothing important just chit chat. At worst working out planning for some of the wedding things and more mundane stuff.

I feel like as a friend and a female I should respect his marriage and we shouldn't be doing a lot of the dailies and texting and chatting, but I fear that he won't stop once he is married. His girlfriend isn't aware of the level of contact that we have with each other. I found that out cause he is very determined to keep her out of his phone.

Now here are some of the things I probably shouldn't have done. I scheduled doctor appointments for him and his child, he regularly relies on me to remind him of things like to put the trash out and pick up dry cleaning and all that sort of thing. We keep a on going internal messaging to each other at work going all day long. We use to work in same office but got into the habit of this after I moved offices. Starts at 9 when we get to work and ends as we say good bye at end of day. The minute I get to my car he calls me while he drives home. I don't think he thinks of me as like a mother or sister figure cause he sometimes gets flirty and I just ignore him and move on. Tells me how smart I am and beautiful and things like that. I chose to ignore him or just roll my eyes at him.

I have started backing off on a lot of the things and advice I would normally give him and ask him to see what his fiancé thinks about them. I have tried shifting things over to her but he insist on bringing them back to me, dumb things like what color to paint a wall. I don't live there I don't care. Last night he text me at 12:30 am show me some project he was working on in his house.

I know, I am a grown ass woman and I should be able to just read him chapter and verse on proper behavior of a soon to be married man and his conduct with women who are not his wife. To some extent I will miss him but I really don't want him to jeopardize his blossoming marriage. How do I get him to stop this with me and shift to the fiancé/wife. Plus, once he is married I will feel a little weird with some married dude calling and texting me too. Yes I am aware I caused a lot of this by making my self so available for so long and not putting the breaks on this long ago... but it was like a slow boil in a pot and now I need to get out of the pot and try not to hurt him and see if some friendship can still be maintained and maybe catch up once every couple of months.

I do take the blame for a lot of it but now I need to get out of it.

[Anonymous]

He's into you as waaay more than just a friend and this is his last chance to try to make it work by talking to you constantly.... if you're not interested you're going to need to find a way to get some space. Starting with no more errands and reminders!

[Anonymous]

I would have a blunt conversation and tell him you aren't comfortable having a relationship with him that's hidden from his fiancee and/or a relationship that would make her uncomfortable. If he doesn't dial down the contact after that start ignoring him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's into you as waaay more than just a friend and this is his last chance to try to make it work by talking to you constantly.... if you're not interested you're going to need to find a way to get some space. Starting with no more errands and reminders!

OP here, really you think he is way into me? How can that be, who gets married knowing full well you have feels for someone else? Do people do that? Or am I the most naïve person out there. I have never indicated to him there was potential and blow him off with his flirty stuff. Why would he do that to his fiancé, who by the way if fabulous.

[Anonymous]

Stop returning the messages so quickly. Stop answering the phone. Be much less available. Stop instigating the contact at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop returning the messages so quickly. Stop answering the phone. Be much less available. Stop instigating the contact at all.

Op here...this one I have been doing. Doesn't work out so well sometimes. If I don't respond soon enough the phone starts ringing, if I don't answer the phone, he calls back. Was at friends bbq over weekend and left phone on counter and my friend brought the phone to me cause he was tired of it ringing off the hook. I didn't answer. That didn't stop him. He got me the next day, was on phone at work with sister and other line rang and I didn't look to see who it was and picked up, guess who it was.

[Anonymous]

Do you love him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you love him?

No, I don't and I am hoping he isn't in love with me cause that would make this whole thing just so tragic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a blunt conversation and tell him you aren't comfortable having a relationship with him that's hidden from his fiancee and/or a relationship that would make her uncomfortable. If he doesn't dial down the contact after that start ignoring him.

This.

Anything BUT this and I have serious doubts that you really care about disengaging at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop returning the messages so quickly. Stop answering the phone. Be much less available. Stop instigating the contact at all.

Op here...this one I have been doing. Doesn't work out so well sometimes. If I don't respond soon enough the phone starts ringing, if I don't answer the phone, he calls back. Was at friends bbq over weekend and left phone on counter and my friend brought the phone to me cause he was tired of it ringing off the hook. I didn't answer. That didn't stop him. He got me the next day, was on phone at work with sister and other line rang and I didn't look to see who it was and picked up, guess who it was.

Okay, that's not a friend, that's a stalker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop returning the messages so quickly. Stop answering the phone. Be much less available. Stop instigating the contact at all.

Op here...this one I have been doing. Doesn't work out so well sometimes. If I don't respond soon enough the phone starts ringing, if I don't answer the phone, he calls back. Was at friends bbq over weekend and left phone on counter and my friend brought the phone to me cause he was tired of it ringing off the hook. I didn't answer. That didn't stop him. He got me the next day, was on phone at work with sister and other line rang and I didn't look to see who it was and picked up, guess who it was.

Okay, that's not a friend, that's a stalker.

+1

I wouldn't hesitate to be blunt with him at this point. Curious what his reaction will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop returning the messages so quickly. Stop answering the phone. Be much less available. Stop instigating the contact at all.

Op here...this one I have been doing. Doesn't work out so well sometimes. If I don't respond soon enough the phone starts ringing, if I don't answer the phone, he calls back. Was at friends bbq over weekend and left phone on counter and my friend brought the phone to me cause he was tired of it ringing off the hook. I didn't answer. That didn't stop him. He got me the next day, was on phone at work with sister and other line rang and I didn't look to see who it was and picked up, guess who it was.

Okay, that's not a friend, that's a stalker.

+1

I was thinking the same thing. Stalker doesn't care if he is getting married or has fiancé. This is borderline stalking and intrusive as hell. My only thought is if girlfriend is out of state he has all the time in the world to pester you. When she moves in this, in theory, should end. He has to go on honeymoon, I assume, he wouldn't dare contact you in any manner or form then. Once he is married he will have a wife and if I read right at least one child to deal with and this could all go away. When is he getting married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop returning the messages so quickly. Stop answering the phone. Be much less available. Stop instigating the contact at all.

Op here...this one I have been doing. Doesn't work out so well sometimes. If I don't respond soon enough the phone starts ringing, if I don't answer the phone, he calls back. Was at friends bbq over weekend and left phone on counter and my friend brought the phone to me cause he was tired of it ringing off the hook. I didn't answer. That didn't stop him. He got me the next day, was on phone at work with sister and other line rang and I didn't look to see who it was and picked up, guess who it was.

Okay, that's not a friend, that's a stalker.

+1

I was thinking the same thing. Stalker doesn't care if he is getting married or has fiancé. This is borderline stalking and intrusive as hell. My only thought is if girlfriend is out of state he has all the time in the world to pester you. When she moves in this, in theory, should end. He has to go on honeymoon, I assume, he wouldn't dare contact you in any manner or form then. Once he is married he will have a wife and if I read right at least one child to deal with and this could all go away. When is he getting married?

OP here...seems like the group thought is that this is a little stalkery (I have thought of this but dismissed it) and a blunt talk it necessary. Reality is that maintaining the friendship isn't really that important, I don't have married dudes as close friends any way, it is inappropriate. Wouldn't mind if I got to know wife more but we live so far away and don't have a lot in common so that might be hard and plus if he does have a thing for me then that just fuel for the fire. BTW to answer question above next month.

[Anonymous]

She will be moving here and the wedding is next month???
Tell him you dont believe in friendship betwwen opposite gender when one gets marriwd and cut off all contact with him. Go drastic. If he is into you and not his fiance, their wedding won't go through and you just did that woman a favor.

This guy is obsessed with you. It's beyond a normal friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a great co-worker guy that we get a long great. Decent age difference between us so never really a romantic twist to this. Like a lot of the same things and just in general enjoy each others company. I am single and he was single when our friendship really got started. We would send pictures of how much snow we had at our homes. Text about shows and books and just general every day stuff. Sometimes phone calls that go on for a bit but mostly working out things like taxes or a recipe or something truly mundane. I think of him as little brother and give advice on finances and when his child is sick when to take to doctor and things like that. He started dating a really nice girl and things have progressed to the point that they are engaged and about to get married. She lives in another state and will be moving here.

Once they got engaged I figured our chatty, chatty every day thing would start to taper off a bit cause things were changing in his life. Much like you may not have as much time for your sister once you have a girlfriend. It hasn't it has gotten more and more in past 3-4 months. Now he is calling daily on the way to work and on the way home and then texting in the evening. Nothing important just chit chat. At worst working out planning for some of the wedding things and more mundane stuff.

I feel like as a friend and a female I should respect his marriage and we shouldn't be doing a lot of the dailies and texting and chatting, but I fear that he won't stop once he is married. His girlfriend isn't aware of the level of contact that we have with each other. I found that out cause he is very determined to keep her out of his phone.

Now here are some of the things I probably shouldn't have done. I scheduled doctor appointments for him and his child, he regularly relies on me to remind him of things like to put the trash out and pick up dry cleaning and all that sort of thing. We keep a on going internal messaging to each other at work going all day long. We use to work in same office but got into the habit of this after I moved offices. Starts at 9 when we get to work and ends as we say good bye at end of day. The minute I get to my car he calls me while he drives home. I don't think he thinks of me as like a mother or sister figure cause he sometimes gets flirty and I just ignore him and move on. Tells me how smart I am and beautiful and things like that. I chose to ignore him or just roll my eyes at him.

I have started backing off on a lot of the things and advice I would normally give him and ask him to see what his fiancé thinks about them. I have tried shifting things over to her but he insist on bringing them back to me, dumb things like what color to paint a wall. I don't live there I don't care. Last night he text me at 12:30 am show me some project he was working on in his house.

I know, I am a grown ass woman and I should be able to just read him chapter and verse on proper behavior of a soon to be married man and his conduct with women who are not his wife. To some extent I will miss him but I really don't want him to jeopardize his blossoming marriage. How do I get him to stop this with me and shift to the fiancé/wife. Plus, once he is married I will feel a little weird with some married dude calling and texting me too. Yes I am aware I caused a lot of this by making my self so available for so long and not putting the breaks on this long ago... but it was like a slow boil in a pot and now I need to get out of the pot and try not to hurt him and see if some friendship can still be maintained and maybe catch up once every couple of months.

I do take the blame for a lot of it but now I need to get out of it.

Are you his mother? Because that's what it sounds like. That guy has no business being married to or parenting anyone. Why do you find this attractive?