Divorced, but attending family events together for the kids

[Anonymous]

Think about whether it is really for the kids or is it because you want to present a facade of a happy divorced family. Little kids will want you both there, but bigger kids may find it awkward and if it is fake, will see through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about whether it is really for the kids or is it because you want to present a facade of a happy divorced family. Little kids will want you both there, but bigger kids may find it awkward and if it is fake, will see through it.

+1. Also, for all kids, teaching them that what is right is to present a facade of happiness is not exactly teaching them to have healthy relationships.

Teaching them to treat others with a basic level of respect? OK.

Teaching them to stuff your feelings down about something or so lack boundaries that you are doing something you are not comfortable with or which requires really inequitable inputs? Not OK.

[Anonymous]

My parents always attended school events together. They all rented a van together (2 parents, 1 stepparent, and my 2 siblings) to drive to New England for my college graduation. Now all the kids are married with kids and all parents are invited to everything. We still have Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter all together, 45 years after my parents split up. It was never a facade and never weird for us kids or for the now-grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Definitely not family events, that would be strange. But school or kid focused events, definitely. My ex is not my favorite guy in the world (mostly because he's a horrible snob, not because he did anything terrible to me) but he's fine, and I can definitely be nice to him and get along with him for a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We still hang out. It's no difference than before we just don't sleep with each other that night.

And since you weren't having sex before the divorce either, no change there.

I would not have described it as a difference if it were not a difference.

Sorry for you situation though, since you are clearly projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about whether it is really for the kids or is it because you want to present a facade of a happy divorced family. Little kids will want you both there, but bigger kids may find it awkward and if it is fake, will see through it.

+1. Also, for all kids, teaching them that what is right is to present a facade of happiness is not exactly teaching them to have healthy relationships.

Teaching them to treat others with a basic level of respect? OK.

Teaching them to stuff your feelings down about something or so lack boundaries that you are doing something you are not comfortable with or which requires really inequitable inputs? Not OK.

I actually think by avoiding your ex at all cost shows your kids you can't get over stuff. Maybe you can't and that is who you are, but it is not necessarily better to hold grudges, resentment and anger.

Some people actually move on so much they can be around their ex and it does not affect them.

Some people are happy, so it is not a facade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about whether it is really for the kids or is it because you want to present a facade of a happy divorced family. Little kids will want you both there, but bigger kids may find it awkward and if it is fake, will see through it.

+1. Also, for all kids, teaching them that what is right is to present a facade of happiness is not exactly teaching them to have healthy relationships.

Teaching them to treat others with a basic level of respect? OK.

Teaching them to stuff your feelings down about something or so lack boundaries that you are doing something you are not comfortable with or which requires really inequitable inputs? Not OK.

I actually think by avoiding your ex at all cost shows your kids you can't get over stuff. Maybe you can't and that is who you are, but it is not necessarily better to hold grudges, resentment and anger.

Some people actually move on so much they can be around their ex and it does not affect them.

Some people are happy, so it is not a facade.

Nobody is saying to avoid at all costs. Just don't drag everyone through a dog and pony show if they don't actually want it, and to make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No that's weird

I agree, but many are able to move on and forge new lives. Still hanging with the ex is a sure way to stay single. No one wants that mess, at least not for long term.

I agree with that, it's certainly has impacted my dating life. My ex however, is remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No that's weird

I agree, but many are able to move on and forge new lives. Still hanging with the ex is a sure way to stay single. No one wants that mess, at least not for long term.

I agree with that, it's certainly has impacted my dating life. My ex however, is remarried.

I've seen more people that waste years because they didn't get the ex out of the picture. Concentrate on your new partner or date and make it clear you've moved on. If you child has an event go with your new partner. It amazes me that there are people on here that would leave their new spouse, or SO home to meet the ex spouse at child's event. I would be livid if my partner was doing that. A deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No that's weird

I agree, but many are able to move on and forge new lives. Still hanging with the ex is a sure way to stay single. No one wants that mess, at least not for long term.

I agree with that, it's certainly has impacted my dating life. My ex however, is remarried.

I've seen more people that waste years because they didn't get the ex out of the picture. Concentrate on your new partner or date and make it clear you've moved on. If you child has an event go with your new partner. It amazes me that there are people on here that would leave their new spouse, or SO home to meet the ex spouse at child's event. I would be livid if my partner was doing that. A deal breaker.

You sound ridiculously insecure.

[Anonymous]

Works well until someone gets a new BF/GF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No that's weird

I agree, but many are able to move on and forge new lives. Still hanging with the ex is a sure way to stay single. No one wants that mess, at least not for long term.

I agree with that, it's certainly has impacted my dating life. My ex however, is remarried.

I've seen more people that waste years because they didn't get the ex out of the picture. Concentrate on your new partner or date and make it clear you've moved on. If you child has an event go with your new partner. It amazes me that there are people on here that would leave their new spouse, or SO home to meet the ex spouse at child's event. I would be livid if my partner was doing that. A deal breaker.

You sound ridiculously insecure.

Actually you sound ridiculously naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No that's weird

I agree, but many are able to move on and forge new lives. Still hanging with the ex is a sure way to stay single. No one wants that mess, at least not for long term.

I agree with that, it's certainly has impacted my dating life. My ex however, is remarried.

I've seen more people that waste years because they didn't get the ex out of the picture. Concentrate on your new partner or date and make it clear you've moved on. If you child has an event go with your new partner. It amazes me that there are people on here that would leave their new spouse, or SO home to meet the ex spouse at child's event. I would be livid if my partner was doing that. A deal breaker.

You sound ridiculously insecure.

Actually you sound ridiculously naive.

You want to forbid your spouse from going to a child's event where their ex will be if you can't be there to supervise??? You sound incredibly controlling and possibly abusive. Sounds like you need therapy to deal with your issues, ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Works well until someone gets a new BF/GF

Exactly. It's best to separate completely. If you think everyone is going to be one happy family including the ex in-laws you'll likely stay single.

Do you really want ex problems to take away the future you could have? I've heard it all from friends who are in 2nd marriages. I know many people who take their spouse to kid events. They don't sit with ex. If you are re-married your spouse has family you're obligated to also see. They may live out of state so that's another consideration. You will be making decisions with your new spouse. In our case we co-parented the kids. The ex co-parented on her own or with her partner. Many do this which probably works best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No that's weird

I agree, but many are able to move on and forge new lives. Still hanging with the ex is a sure way to stay single. No one wants that mess, at least not for long term.

I agree with that, it's certainly has impacted my dating life. My ex however, is remarried.

I've seen more people that waste years because they didn't get the ex out of the picture. Concentrate on your new partner or date and make it clear you've moved on. If you child has an event go with your new partner. It amazes me that there are people on here that would leave their new spouse, or SO home to meet the ex spouse at child's event. I would be livid if my partner was doing that. A deal breaker.

You sound ridiculously insecure.

Actually you sound ridiculously naive.

You want to forbid your spouse from going to a child's event where their ex will be if you can't be there to supervise??? You sound incredibly controlling and possibly abusive. Sounds like you need therapy to deal with your issues, ASAP.

No I would never do that if I couldn't attend. If my spouse said I wasn't allowed that would be a deal breaker. They don't need to "go" with the ex ether. That's what I mean't...so simmer down.