Strict parenting and yes ma'am, no sir for toddlers?

[Anonymous]

I think your in-laws sound weird. Requiring that your daughter-in-law call you Ms. ANYTHING is weird. She is placing you in a very subordinate position to her and then framing it as "respect." I would also have very little patience for her correcting my children, and I would tell her, "Sue, Dave and I are raising our children to be respectful. We are working with them on respectful titles for adults. Please do not correct our children. That is our job, as their parents."

Also, perhaps it is the informal disrespectful household that I was raised in, but there is no universe in which I would ever have called DH's parents "sir" or "ma'am" beyond MAYBE the first time I met them. I would not refer to them as "Mr. and Mrs." unless I was referring to them in the third person, to someone who had never met them. What would happen if you stopped conforming to this absurdity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think you realize how often they want them to say it. Like say you asked a question: Timmy do you want an apple?
My DS might say "please I would like an apple, Grandmommy (that is how he speaks at three)"
My MIL will say "yes, ma'am"
DS walks around saying "yes sir, yes sir, three bags full! yes ma'am! and laughing"
So it isn't like my son isn't being polite.
Say I'm washing fruit and my MIL asks me how I want to cut it. I'll say "I'm cutting the fruit like X"
She will correct me, "ma'am please cut the fruit like this"
my husband NEVER calls his mom or dad "mom/dad" it is always militaristic and very formal, "sir/ma'am". And they are not a military family and FIL is from Philly.

10:42 again. We understood the first time, OP! For some of us, formal politeness is automatic and normal. However, it's becoming quite clear that you don't want to go along with this. That's perfectly fine too! Just explain this to your ILs courteously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think you realize how often they want them to say it. Like say you asked a question: Timmy do you want an apple?
My DS might say "please I would like an apple, Grandmommy (that is how he speaks at three)"
My MIL will say "yes, ma'am"
DS walks around saying "yes sir, yes sir, three bags full! yes ma'am! and laughing"
So it isn't like my son isn't being polite.
Say I'm washing fruit and my MIL asks me how I want to cut it. I'll say "I'm cutting the fruit like X"
She will correct me, "ma'am please cut the fruit like this"
my husband NEVER calls his mom or dad "mom/dad" it is always militaristic and very formal, "sir/ma'am". And they are not a military family and FIL is from Philly.

Before MIL can even get out the "Yes" in "yes, ma'am", you step in, take the apple from her and hand it to your DS. You then turn to your MIL and remind her it is rude and poor manners to refuse a polite request of a guest in her house and so is correcting the speech of a said guest and since she is so keen on good manners and being polite of course she must know that.

Then send your DS out of the room and tell your MIL in no uncertain terms that saying "Yes, ma'am" is not going to happen. That you don't live in the deep south, that it sounds weird on a toddler and there is absolutely no need. Remind her also that if she wants respect from her grandson the way to get it is not through constantly correcting his speech. Turn around and walk away and do not engage in further conversation.

[Anonymous]

Oh to hell with it. DH grew up in a military household and I still don't call my in laws Sir or Ma'am and wouldn't if they ask. I'm not their direct report, I'm their DIL. Tell them to get bent.

[Anonymous]

Just own it. What you're saying is reasonable. But they'll never come around on it or approve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have any number of options, but I would choose one of these two:

"At Grandma and Grandpa's house, we try to say 'yes, ma'am' and 'yes, sir.' It makes them happy."

Or, you get DH to come right out and explain to them that you are not requiring your children to say it, and that you two won't be enforcing it.

This second one. DH needs to have the talk, and then you and DH in the moment remind her, "Oh, we don't require that, Larla, remember? Please stop correcting Larlo. It just confuses him."

[Anonymous]

NP here. Just as a side note, honorifics and such are actually more common in most non-European cultures, so if your (white?) DC picks up on a bit of ma'am/sir auntie/uncle Ms./Mr. (as opposed to calling adults by their first names or "Jack's mom"), that will serve him VERY well among the friends of color he apparently has, especially if their parents are immigrants. I am definitely not a hardass about ma'am/sir, but when it becomes rote (esp when addressing non-intimate adults), I think it's fine, not inherently stifling, and can even open doors. Now, I wouldn't necessarily enforce this with family-- and I'd model more than enforce anyway-- but it's actually kind of nice if a kid can pick it up with non-intimate adults by, say, 5 or 6.

Basically, making it rote but not punitive or distancing is not entirely a bad thing, IMO, and I'm pretty freaking crunchy. It's like when I ask my preschooler if she wants something, I'll prompt with "'Yes, please' or 'No, thank you?'" until the please and thank you are sort of an automatic part of the response.

That doesn't sound like the OP's exact situation, but just sayin'.

[Anonymous]

What's the point of this post? Do you want us to tell you that you are a great parent and you MIL sucks? You know the answer to your post. Continue to parent your kids as you would like to parent them. If you want to avoid conflict then tell your kids to say yes ma'am and yes sir to their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think you realize how often they want them to say it. Like say you asked a question: Timmy do you want an apple?
My DS might say "please I would like an apple, Grandmommy (that is how he speaks at three)"
My MIL will say "yes, ma'am"
DS walks around saying "yes sir, yes sir, three bags full! yes ma'am! and laughing"
So it isn't like my son isn't being polite.
Say I'm washing fruit and my MIL asks me how I want to cut it. I'll say "I'm cutting the fruit like X"
She will correct me, "ma'am please cut the fruit like this"
my husband NEVER calls his mom or dad "mom/dad" it is always militaristic and very formal, "sir/ma'am". And they are not a military family and FIL is from Philly.

I would just look at her for a second and carry on.

Ask them not to correct your son, either. It is impolite to correct a child after the parents have asked you not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of this post? Do you want us to tell you that you are a great parent and you MIL sucks? You know the answer to your post. Continue to parent your kids as you would like to parent them. If you want to avoid conflict then tell your kids to say yes ma'am and yes sir to their grandparents.

This. Really, trying to stir the pot over yes ma'am and no ma'am?? Do you hear yourself???? Frankly there isn't enough of this being taught in the world! If you do t want them to say it at home, fine. But they should respect their grandparents. You act like they're teaching them the F word!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of this post? Do you want us to tell you that you are a great parent and you MIL sucks? You know the answer to your post. Continue to parent your kids as you would like to parent them. If you want to avoid conflict then tell your kids to say yes ma'am and yes sir to their grandparents.

This. Really, trying to stir the pot over yes ma'am and no ma'am?? Do you hear yourself???? Frankly there isn't enough of this being taught in the world! If you do t want them to say it at home, fine. But they should respect their grandparents. You act like they're teaching them the F word!!!

It seems like the kids ARE respecting their grandparents. They just aren't being cold and detached children from 1900 like their grandparents want. It really boils down to the grandparents not respecting the parenting of OP and her husband. Why should you bend to anyone who tells you how to parent your children when you aren't doing anything wrong? There are a lot of times where you do need to suck it up to keep the peace but this is too far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of this post? Do you want us to tell you that you are a great parent and you MIL sucks? You know the answer to your post. Continue to parent your kids as you would like to parent them. If you want to avoid conflict then tell your kids to say yes ma'am and yes sir to their grandparents.

This. Really, trying to stir the pot over yes ma'am and no ma'am?? Do you hear yourself???? Frankly there isn't enough of this being taught in the world! If you do t want them to say it at home, fine. But they should respect their grandparents. You act like they're teaching them the F word!!!

It seems like the kids ARE respecting their grandparents. They just aren't being cold and detached children from 1900 like their grandparents want. It really boils down to the grandparents not respecting the parenting of OP and her husband. Why should you bend to anyone who tells you how to parent your children when you aren't doing anything wrong? There are a lot of times where you do need to suck it up to keep the peace but this is too far.

Oh please. No one said they should be "cold and detached children from 1900." It's clear from the tone of the original post that OP simply doesn't like her in-laws (actually I detect a hint of OP feeling inadequate and this being her way of asserting power and control over the ILs) and wants to "win" something against them. I don't feel sorry for OP and think she is being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I find it really hilarious that people think the OP is not polite. What she is saying is that her ILs are really inappropriate with their use of "manners". It sounds like she is respectful of her ILs and her children are polite, just not the way that ILs prefer. I don't understand why people are beating up on OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My son doesn't call people "Jack's mom". I always correct him and say, "that's Ms. Jennifer". I'm talking about an almost 40 year old woman being asked to call her MIL Mrs. So and So. I work with almost all people of color, many from different cultures and they say "Auntie/Ms." but not for close family. They think it's equally weird.

I get what you are saying. I do not feel inadequate about my ILs. I was just trying to get advice. This was clearly not the forum to post. I have asked DH to speak to his parents but he won't do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

They got to raise their kids their way, you get to raise yours your way. I would shut down their correcting/overruling you in front of your child. They don't get to decide (I have to repeat this to myself frequently when my ILs visit and start throwing criticism my way). Further down the line, though, I can't imagine your child will want to spend time with his grandparents if they continue to harp on it, so this problem may resolve itself over time.