Strict parenting and yes ma'am, no sir for toddlers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My son doesn't call people "Jack's mom". I always correct him and say, "that's Ms. Jennifer". I'm talking about an almost 40 year old woman being asked to call her MIL Mrs. So and So. I work with almost all people of color, many from different cultures and they say "Auntie/Ms." but not for close family. They think it's equally weird.

I get what you are saying. I do not feel inadequate about my ILs. I was just trying to get advice. This was clearly not the forum to post. I have asked DH to speak to his parents but he won't do anything about it.

If your DH won't talk to his parents about it then you step in and say something. Next time they correct your son you say. "Oh we don't require him to say that. We're teaching him that saying please/thank you is enough. Please don't correct him, at this age it's confusing for him." Then you smile and say those apples look delicious and change the subject. I would also avoid addressing MIL and FIL directly, just to avoid using Mrs. LastName or Mr. LastName.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of this post? Do you want us to tell you that you are a great parent and you MIL sucks? You know the answer to your post. Continue to parent your kids as you would like to parent them. If you want to avoid conflict then tell your kids to say yes ma'am and yes sir to their grandparents.

This. Really, trying to stir the pot over yes ma'am and no ma'am?? Do you hear yourself???? Frankly there isn't enough of this being taught in the world! If you do t want them to say it at home, fine. But they should respect their grandparents. You act like they're teaching them the F word!!!

It seems like the kids ARE respecting their grandparents. They just aren't being cold and detached children from 1900 like their grandparents want. It really boils down to the grandparents not respecting the parenting of OP and her husband. Why should you bend to anyone who tells you how to parent your children when you aren't doing anything wrong? There are a lot of times where you do need to suck it up to keep the peace but this is too far.

Oh please. No one said they should be "cold and detached children from 1900." It's clear from the tone of the original post that OP simply doesn't like her in-laws (actually I detect a hint of OP feeling inadequate and this being her way of asserting power and control over the ILs) and wants to "win" something against them. I don't feel sorry for OP and think she is being ridiculous.

I also don't feel sorry for OP (sorry for saying this OP) because it doesn't seem like she has a spine because she let this go on so long but I don't think it is being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My son doesn't call people "Jack's mom". I always correct him and say, "that's Ms. Jennifer". I'm talking about an almost 40 year old woman being asked to call her MIL Mrs. So and So. I work with almost all people of color, many from different cultures and they say "Auntie/Ms." but not for close family. They think it's equally weird.

I get what you are saying. I do not feel inadequate about my ILs. I was just trying to get advice. This was clearly not the forum to post. I have asked DH to speak to his parents but he won't do anything about it.

That's a shame that your husband won't step up. Does he think the children should say these things or does he just not want to rock the boat with his parents? Does he know how strongly you feel about this? I would really try to explain it to him. If not, you need to do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My son doesn't call people "Jack's mom". I always correct him and say, "that's Ms. Jennifer". I'm talking about an almost 40 year old woman being asked to call her MIL Mrs. So and So. I work with almost all people of color, many from different cultures and they say "Auntie/Ms." but not for close family. They think it's equally weird.

I get what you are saying. I do not feel inadequate about my ILs. I was just trying to get advice. This was clearly not the forum to post. I have asked DH to speak to his parents but he won't do anything about it.

If your DH won't talk to his parents about it then you step in and say something. Next time they correct your son you say. "Oh we don't require him to say that. We're teaching him that saying please/thank you is enough. Please don't correct him, at this age it's confusing for him." Then you smile and say those apples look delicious and change the subject. I would also avoid addressing MIL and FIL directly, just to avoid using Mrs. LastName or Mr. LastName.

Not being able to call your inlaws by their first name is just odd. Even in very stuff British aristocratic society 100 years ago you would be able to do that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think you realize how often they want them to say it. Like say you asked a question: Timmy do you want an apple?
My DS might say "please I would like an apple, Grandmommy (that is how he speaks at three)"
My MIL will say "yes, ma'am"
DS walks around saying "yes sir, yes sir, three bags full! yes ma'am! and laughing"
So it isn't like my son isn't being polite.
Say I'm washing fruit and my MIL asks me how I want to cut it. I'll say "I'm cutting the fruit like X"
She will correct me, "ma'am please cut the fruit like this"
my husband NEVER calls his mom or dad "mom/dad" it is always militaristic and very formal, "sir/ma'am". And they are not a military family and FIL is from Philly.

We get it, lady. Your IL's are polite and you (and your DS) are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think you realize how often they want them to say it. Like say you asked a question: Timmy do you want an apple?
My DS might say "please I would like an apple, Grandmommy (that is how he speaks at three)"
My MIL will say "yes, ma'am"
DS walks around saying "yes sir, yes sir, three bags full! yes ma'am! and laughing"
So it isn't like my son isn't being polite.
Say I'm washing fruit and my MIL asks me how I want to cut it. I'll say "I'm cutting the fruit like X"
She will correct me, "ma'am please cut the fruit like this"
my husband NEVER calls his mom or dad "mom/dad" it is always militaristic and very formal, "sir/ma'am". And they are not a military family and FIL is from Philly.

We get it, lady. Your IL's are polite and you (and your DS) are not.

Actually, it sounds like her ILs are incredibly rude. Insisting that a grown adult family member call you sir/mam every time they speak and use Mr./Mrs. is weird on top of being bad manners. Trying to override the mom and dad's parenting decisions is also incredibly rude and disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Also, if gets too awkward to spend time with them, just limit the time you spend together.

It sounds like the grandparents don't want to treat you with respect. That is not a situation I would put my family in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have any number of options, but I would choose one of these two:

"At Grandma and Grandpa's house, we try to say 'yes, ma'am' and 'yes, sir.' It makes them happy."

Or, you get DH to come right out and explain to them that you are not requiring your children to say it, and that you two won't be enforcing it.

Agree with this. And quite frankly, I severely limit the time my kids spend with anyone I know to be a racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have any number of options, but I would choose one of these two:

"At Grandma and Grandpa's house, we try to say 'yes, ma'am' and 'yes, sir.' It makes them happy."

Or, you get DH to come right out and explain to them that you are not requiring your children to say it, and that you two won't be enforcing it.

Agree with this. And quite frankly, I severely limit the time my kids spend with anyone I know to be a racist.

Racist? Where did that come from? Although I believe in limiting their time with people that don't respect their parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have any number of options, but I would choose one of these two:

"At Grandma and Grandpa's house, we try to say 'yes, ma'am' and 'yes, sir.' It makes them happy."

Or, you get DH to come right out and explain to them that you are not requiring your children to say it, and that you two won't be enforcing it.

Agree with this. And quite frankly, I severely limit the time my kids spend with anyone I know to be a racist.

Racist? Where did that come from? Although I believe in limiting their time with people that don't respect their parenting.

From the OP:

But my MIL is a raging racist (I think it is very hard for her that DS' besties are Asian, Black and Latino and that we live in a diverse community and have diverse friends. She is used to only WASPy friends despite being highly educated and well traveled (over 200 countries!)).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have any number of options, but I would choose one of these two:

"At Grandma and Grandpa's house, we try to say 'yes, ma'am' and 'yes, sir.' It makes them happy."

Or, you get DH to come right out and explain to them that you are not requiring your children to say it, and that you two won't be enforcing it.

Agree with this. And quite frankly, I severely limit the time my kids spend with anyone I know to be a racist.

Racist? Where did that come from? Although I believe in limiting their time with people that don't respect their parenting.

In the original post, the OP describes her in-laws as being extremely racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of this post? Do you want us to tell you that you are a great parent and you MIL sucks? You know the answer to your post. Continue to parent your kids as you would like to parent them. If you want to avoid conflict then tell your kids to say yes ma'am and yes sir to their grandparents.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My nephews have major speech delays but are very bright boys. However, they are so micromanaged and "worn down" by instructions they communicate like little robots. The three year old until recently did not say two word phrases.

I don't think y'all get it. This is like excessive "yes ma'am". Not normal.

For example DH on the phone with parents (they call on the house phone so they can both talk):
DH: Hello sir. Yes, ma'am, we were at church. DS, want to talk to granddad and grandmommy?
DH: Yes sir.
DH: Yes ma'am.

Every sentence is punctuated with that formality. Do you understand? It is not "normal" at least not what I am used to and I lived with 100 women in a sorority house from all walks of life/SES and work in different countries and with many different cultures.

Me talking to my dad:
Hi dad! How was your day? Did you see X in the paper? Want to talk to DS?

It seriously does not matter how many DCUM posters agree this isn't normal. It only matters what you're willing to do & not do re: your in-laws.

And for real, stop being such an ass about your nephews. This isn't about them and it's not your business.

[Anonymous]

This is so out of the norm for my culture and the way I was raised. I would not cave to this. Your DH needs to kindly and firmly set boundaries that it is your prerogative to raise your children as you see fit. If your ILs are willing to die on this hill, they can limit their relationship with your family. And it is the height of rudeness to correct other people's manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so out of the norm for my culture and the way I was raised. I would not cave to this. Your DH needs to kindly and firmly set boundaries that it is your prerogative to raise your children as you see fit. If your ILs are willing to die on this hill, they can limit their relationship with your family. And it is the height of rudeness to correct other people's manners.

You realize that works both ways, right...