my daughter and i have a terrible relationship

[Anonymous]

Validation can be very useful. Take a look at this older thread;

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/478538.page

[Anonymous]

Not all pairs of people will get along well enough to have a good relationship. Sometimes even parents and children just don't mesh, in which case polite/civil might be the best you can hope for. It takes two people to have a relationship, and if your DD isn't interested right now, doesn't like you right now, or doesn't currently have the capacity for a deep and fulfilling interpersonal relationship, there's only so much you can do on your own as one-half of the relationship.

That said, I think it's reasonable to say that ending the fighting is on you. It takes two people to have a fight/argument. Something I told my kids since they were quite young, and a standard to which all members of the family are held except in serious extenuating circumstances, is "You are the only one who can control your behavior, and sometimes your behavior is the only thing about a situation that you can control." If you want the fighting with your DD to stop, figure out how to stop your part in the fighting. She cannot (effectively) fight with herself without your engagement, and if she somehow figures out a way to have a one-sided argument you can most likely leave the situation.

Resolve to take deep breaths before you blurt out anything if the situation is getting tense, leave and go for a walk, have a set phrase that stops conversation on the issue until everyone is calm, write letters, text or email her about hot-button issues instead of talking, basically anything you think will be effective at changing the dynamic of getting into a high-emotion situation and saying things in the heat of the moment that don't help and maybe aren't even what you would have preferred to say.

Should DD be mature enough to do her part to end the fighting? Yes, absolutely. But she has shown that she won't. It's not her priority right now. So if you want something to change, you are going to have to change it by changing your part in it.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear this. I would work on you but also help her by getting her out of this depression. Daily walks or exercise and lots of vitamin b have helped many people.

[Anonymous]

OP, I worry that although you have good intentions, your goal may not be achievable in the way you imagine. Trying to get to a "good relationship" is problematic because you need to think about what a good relationship looks like. Not disagreeing? Not fighting? Having fun?

My DH is bothered by his relationship with one of our kids, but what he wants is the happy, compatible relationship, and what our kid needs is a feeling of being understood. Their interactions might be less fraught if it weren't so clear that he is looking for a certain reaction from the kid, if it were clear that all he wants is to understand, without judgment what the kid is thinking about/feeling.

The better connection might lead to happy jolly interactions or it might not, but there aren't going to be happy jolly interactions without the connection first.

DH was raised by two people whose main goal was no difficult or unpleasant interactions. It's showing up in how he parents.

[Anonymous]

As the parent, it's your responsibility to make sure that she takes her medication every day. She's a minor. As far as the relationship, you need to chill and see if you can first try to remember what it was like to be a teenage girl (I'm assuming that you were one at some point) and you need to see if you can find your misplaced sense of humor. My kids and I laugh 99? of the time. We can find something funny in the most screwed-up scenario. We have a lot of fun together. And yes, I know what I'm talking about. I have three adult sons, two teenage daughters, and an 11 year old son. I've been there, done that, and I never had a problem with my sons, either. Maybe it's the tattoos and piercings I have and the black clothes that I wear, or the fact that I own a motorcycle, or maybe it's the fact that I can teach them how to tear down a motor and rebuild it. I'm not your average mom. Stop being average.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Girls are difficult beyond reason during teen years. I would go as far as to say, girls are difficult at any age. I know so many teen girls as I work with them. Condescending, entitled, selfish, rude, sassy.... I mean 1 in 2 girls are bullies to adults these days! Many teen boys are the same, but with that I would say 1 in 5-7 boys is like this. We are doing something wrong as parents, and these behaviors are become the norm. I am at my wits end with my teen DD as well. ADHD, and one day she is an angel and the next day I am kicking out a drinking party at my place, that I couldn't even imagine my sweet girl organizing while lying to my face. If you find a way to better it, let me know. I am that patient, not raising my voice even after unauthorized party parent. She finds fault even with that!

Well, gee. Perhaps that's your problem, right there? Why do you have no spine in dealing with your own out-of-control kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Girls are difficult beyond reason during teen years. I would go as far as to say, girls are difficult at any age. I know so many teen girls as I work with them. Condescending, entitled, selfish, rude, sassy.... I mean 1 in 2 girls are bullies to adults these days! Many teen boys are the same, but with that I would say 1 in 5-7 boys is like this. We are doing something wrong as parents, and these behaviors are become the norm. I am at my wits end with my teen DD as well. ADHD, and one day she is an angel and the next day I am kicking out a drinking party at my place, that I couldn't even imagine my sweet girl organizing while lying to my face. If you find a way to better it, let me know. I am that patient, not raising my voice even after unauthorized party parent. She finds fault even with that!

Well, gee. Perhaps that's your problem, right there? Why do you have no spine in dealing with your own out-of-control kid?

Gee, thank you sanctimony mommy for completely useless comment that only highlights that you have no idea what parenting is. I heard Gestapo is hiring, a recommend you apply with haste.

[Anonymous]

There was recently an article in the papers (NYT?) about what the mental state of a teenager is like. In order to have a relationship with your teen, you need to at least try to imagine the mess in her head (especially since she's dealing with anxiety and depression) and you just can't expect as much from her.

I would work on expectations first. And as a PP said, find fun things you can do together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Girls are difficult beyond reason during teen years. I would go as far as to say, girls are difficult at any age. I know so many teen girls as I work with them. Condescending, entitled, selfish, rude, sassy.... I mean 1 in 2 girls are bullies to adults these days! Many teen boys are the same, but with that I would say 1 in 5-7 boys is like this. We are doing something wrong as parents, and these behaviors are become the norm. I am at my wits end with my teen DD as well. ADHD, and one day she is an angel and the next day I am kicking out a drinking party at my place, that I couldn't even imagine my sweet girl organizing while lying to my face. If you find a way to better it, let me know. I am that patient, not raising my voice even after unauthorized party parent. She finds fault even with that!

Well, gee. Perhaps that's your problem, right there? Why do you have no spine in dealing with your own out-of-control kid?

Gee, thank you sanctimony mommy for completely useless comment that only highlights that you have no idea what parenting is. I heard Gestapo is hiring, a recommend you apply with haste.

Ha! That's a good one. A parent who dares to raise her voice when her sweet little snowflake has an unauthorized party is now a sanctimony. Maybe so. But you are a fool.

[Anonymous]

I am a PP. I am just finishing a good cry over how horrible this day has spiraled. DD, who is a tween, has day off from school (not spring break for them) and had been complaining lately she never gets asked to do things with friends, so I arranged to take three of her friends (she picked who) to one of those indoor adventure parks. All of them super excited. And it was fun, lots to do, running around, exercise, no screen time, laughs, etc. but on the long drive back her complaining started. By the time I dropped off the last girl at her house she was hysterical crying about something random, so I came home rather than do errands so she could rest as she seemed over tired. When we got home she complained it wasn't fun, I wasn't nice, and she had a horrible time. I told her to go to her room and take a nap, and now I'm crying out of frustration. I am not a pushover. I have tried absolutely every approach over the years. Gone to classes. Had a parenting coach. Had her tested with a developmental ped to see if something else going on. Read every book. Nothing wrong with her. Nothing changes. She just hates me and being a part of this family no matter what. When she turns 18 she's probably going to run out the front door and never come back and tell everyone how mean we were to her when all I tried to do was love her and give her what she needed. I am so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Girls are difficult beyond reason during teen years. I would go as far as to say, girls are difficult at any age. I know so many teen girls as I work with them. Condescending, entitled, selfish, rude, sassy.... I mean 1 in 2 girls are bullies to adults these days! Many teen boys are the same, but with that I would say 1 in 5-7 boys is like this. We are doing something wrong as parents, and these behaviors are become the norm. I am at my wits end with my teen DD as well. ADHD, and one day she is an angel and the next day I am kicking out a drinking party at my place, that I couldn't even imagine my sweet girl organizing while lying to my face. If you find a way to better it, let me know. I am that patient, not raising my voice even after unauthorized party parent. She finds fault even with that!

Well, gee. Perhaps that's your problem, right there? Why do you have no spine in dealing with your own out-of-control kid?

Gee, thank you sanctimony mommy for completely useless comment that only highlights that you have no idea what parenting is. I heard Gestapo is hiring, a recommend you apply with haste.

Ha! That's a good one. A parent who dares to raise her voice when her sweet little snowflake has an unauthorized party is now a sanctimony. Maybe so. But you are a fool.

I disagree. I refuse to yell and scream at my teens, no matter the issue. Nothing good comes out of screaming at anybody. Some parents mistake good and strict parenting with verbal and physical abuse. I grew up with abusive parents and the only things that accomplished them was that I utterly lost any respect for them, as a teen and now. I am probably more familiar with teen brains and development than many pps here. Yelling is just as abusive as physical abuse and serves no purpose ever. Maybe some of you should actually read "yes, your teen is crazy" and other research into teen brains and development. I see my kids as they are, some of you have blinders on so thick, you have no clue you are in La,La Land with your perfect teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP. I am just finishing a good cry over how horrible this day has spiraled. DD, who is a tween, has day off from school (not spring break for them) and had been complaining lately she never gets asked to do things with friends, so I arranged to take three of her friends (she picked who) to one of those indoor adventure parks. All of them super excited. And it was fun, lots to do, running around, exercise, no screen time, laughs, etc. but on the long drive back her complaining started. By the time I dropped off the last girl at her house she was hysterical crying about something random, so I came home rather than do errands so she could rest as she seemed over tired. When we got home she complained it wasn't fun, I wasn't nice, and she had a horrible time. I told her to go to her room and take a nap, and now I'm crying out of frustration. I am not a pushover. I have tried absolutely every approach over the years. Gone to classes. Had a parenting coach. Had her tested with a developmental ped to see if something else going on. Read every book. Nothing wrong with her. Nothing changes. She just hates me and being a part of this family no matter what. When she turns 18 she's probably going to run out the front door and never come back and tell everyone how mean we were to her when all I tried to do was love her and give her what she needed. I am so sad.

Hugs. I am pp that everybody is calling names for not yelling at my angel one day/nightmare the next teen. You might be surprised how things turn out when she grows up. I am finding that teens might as well be substituted for toddlers on some days. One day all independent and thinks we parents are the stupidest people in the world, and next needs a hug and a back rub and their baby blanket and gets mad if you think they are too old for it. It will get better.

[Anonymous]

Don't give up hope. My teen daughter and I had a terrible relationship. She's now a mom with growing kids and we have a close relationship, sometimes bumpy but not bad. We regularly have to say 'I'm sorry.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP. I am just finishing a good cry over how horrible this day has spiraled. DD, who is a tween, has day off from school (not spring break for them) and had been complaining lately she never gets asked to do things with friends, so I arranged to take three of her friends (she picked who) to one of those indoor adventure parks. All of them super excited. And it was fun, lots to do, running around, exercise, no screen time, laughs, etc. but on the long drive back her complaining started. By the time I dropped off the last girl at her house she was hysterical crying about something random, so I came home rather than do errands so she could rest as she seemed over tired. When we got home she complained it wasn't fun, I wasn't nice, and she had a horrible time. I told her to go to her room and take a nap, and now I'm crying out of frustration. I am not a pushover. I have tried absolutely every approach over the years. Gone to classes. Had a parenting coach. Had her tested with a developmental ped to see if something else going on. Read every book. Nothing wrong with her. Nothing changes. She just hates me and being a part of this family no matter what. When she turns 18 she's probably going to run out the front door and never come back and tell everyone how mean we were to her when all I tried to do was love her and give her what she needed. I am so sad.

NP here. I was just like your daughter as a teen. I can't even count the number of times I've apologized to my mom over the past 20 years for being such a terror. My fear now is that my 5-year old daughter will be just as difficult as I was. Hang in there. Just keep loving her and doing your best to parent the child she is. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP. I am just finishing a good cry over how horrible this day has spiraled. DD, who is a tween, has day off from school (not spring break for them) and had been complaining lately she never gets asked to do things with friends, so I arranged to take three of her friends (she picked who) to one of those indoor adventure parks. All of them super excited. And it was fun, lots to do, running around, exercise, no screen time, laughs, etc. but on the long drive back her complaining started. By the time I dropped off the last girl at her house she was hysterical crying about something random, so I came home rather than do errands so she could rest as she seemed over tired. When we got home she complained it wasn't fun, I wasn't nice, and she had a horrible time. I told her to go to her room and take a nap, and now I'm crying out of frustration. I am not a pushover. I have tried absolutely every approach over the years. Gone to classes. Had a parenting coach. Had her tested with a developmental ped to see if something else going on. Read every book. Nothing wrong with her. Nothing changes. She just hates me and being a part of this family no matter what. When she turns 18 she's probably going to run out the front door and never come back and tell everyone how mean we were to her when all I tried to do was love her and give her what she needed. I am so sad.

Please don't take this so personally. It's called "hormones,"