my daughter and i have a terrible relationship

[Anonymous]

So, my 16 y.o daughter and I have a terrible relationship. Some days we get along really well, and others we cannot speak to each other. Generally, when we get into these fights they last multiple days. I do everything I can to have the best relationship possible with her, but sometimes I get frustrated with her behavior and say things that I probably shouldn't say. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety earlier this year, and is taking medication. She sometimes is not very consistent with her medication, though. I know she sometimes struggles socially and with comparing herself to her older siblings who are very successful, but I am just trying to figure out how we can have a better relationship. I don't want it to be like this. Any suggestions and comments are welcome.

[Anonymous]

The first thing is to acknowledge what you have control over in the relationship: YOU. That's it.

So if you want to be in a better relationship with your daughter, you have to think about how you are showing up in her life, and what baggage and unfinished business you are bringing into the relationship. What are your triggers? (I am not asking here about what she does to you, but rather about the patterns in your behavior and thinking that lead you to react to her in particular ways.) What are your self-limiting thoughts? Do you catastrophize about her condition? I've BTDT with a teen who struggles with depression and anxiety, and the experience has required me to look at myself and take accountability for how much my fears and frustrations impacted my DD.

A better relationship starts with you.

[Anonymous]

I have to echo everything the PP said. If you want a better relationship with anybody then you have to concentrate on your reactions and responses to the things they they do, not try to change them.

[Anonymous]

Kudos to you for wanting to improve the relationship. I suggest family therapy.

[Anonymous]

Give her a little space, don't react to everything, do something for yourself and let her come to you. It's a very tough time but she will come back to you.

[Anonymous]

Try not to be judgmental and make a point of doing things with her that she likes to do- shopping, coffee outings, etc. And also know that just about all mother teen relationships have roller-coaster moments so during down times, just wait for it to pass.

[Anonymous]

No matter what she does or says, you are always the adult. Always. You need to fight as hard as you can not to say things "you probably shouldn't say." You're not on the same playing field; you are not subject to the same rules. You can do more damage than she can.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried just being kinder to her? At all times?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, my 16 y.o daughter and I have a terrible relationship. Some days we get along really well, and others we cannot speak to each other. Generally, when we get into these fights they last multiple days. I do everything I can to have the best relationship possible with her, but sometimes I get frustrated with her behavior and say things that I probably shouldn't say. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety earlier this year, and is taking medication. She sometimes is not very consistent with her medication, though. I know she sometimes struggles socially and with comparing herself to her older siblings who are very successful, but I am just trying to figure out how we can have a better relationship. I don't want it to be like this. Any suggestions and comments are welcome.

You can control your mouth. Step up and require more of yourself. Walk out of the room if you're about to say something you shouldn't. Go to therapy yourself.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to control one's own reactions when others push our buttons. My sympathies, OP.

However, two things. The most important is that she really needs help taking her meds correctly. Parents, patient and psychiatrist need to talk about this together. She's still a minor and has to accept some management in that regard.

Second, well try to learn to ignore the button-pushing. Go to therapy yourself, it will help.

[Anonymous]

OP you have my sympathies. My tween is insanely hard willed and seems just pissed at life that she's a part of our family. It takes every iota of strength for me to parent her. And there are days when I break too. Hang in ther.

[Anonymous]

Try to allow her to take lead? If she doesn't feel like talking, give her that room and let her know you're there when she's up to talking again. Listen. I've heard you talk when they're young, you listen when their teens. Try listening instead of jumping in with...anything: judgement, advice, warnings, sympathy, a story from your own youth. Just listen and absorb where she is. What does she like to do? Follow her lead. Anime? Buy some and put them in her room. Music? Slip her a card for downloads. Buy tickets to a concert.

What are you fighting about? Consider if it's worth it. We, as parents, love to win a fight. We argue them down and declare our authority, and that's cool when it comes to eating all your peas when they are three. At 16, you've got to consider that winning matters to her. Give her a win now and again, especially when the stakes are low. Wearing a stupid shirt is okay; a skirt that looks like a belt, not okay without leggings.

Teach her how to walk in heels. That's fun. Walking down stairs is something that takes practice. Let her pick the shoes, however awful, cheap, and frankly trashy they may be. Let her pick a pair for you and hobble with her down the stairs. She wants to dye her hair? Jump into a conversation about shades of purple or whatever. Go through Pinterest with her to find a look that suits her, ombre, lavender stripe, the under color with her natural hair on top to cover (it's a thing). Build a relationship with her at all cost.

Change begins with you. Get your own therapist, your own meds. Sounds like she's not the only one experiencing depression and anxiety. Model for her, let her know that she's not a problem.

[Anonymous]

I have a daughter like this, the problem is the kid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a daughter like this, the problem is the kid!

Don't listen to this OP. While to some extent your child is at fault, how you react also helps to fuel the situation, especially if you sometimes are so frustrated that you say things you shouldn't. I think you should try picking your battles. Lighten up on rules that are not deal breakers, and try to limit the ones that are. Try to be empathetic and not punitive. You can do that and still have rules. I was brought up in a strict environment, and that has significantly impacted my parenting style. I'm now seeing where I have been too strict and not as empathetic in some areas, and that has helped to shape my kids' personalities in ways that I didn't intend. Anyway, focus on building a positive relationship, and try not to sweat the small stuff. Going to therapy together might also help.

[Anonymous]

NP. Girls are difficult beyond reason during teen years. I would go as far as to say, girls are difficult at any age. I know so many teen girls as I work with them. Condescending, entitled, selfish, rude, sassy.... I mean 1 in 2 girls are bullies to adults these days! Many teen boys are the same, but with that I would say 1 in 5-7 boys is like this. We are doing something wrong as parents, and these behaviors are become the norm. I am at my wits end with my teen DD as well. ADHD, and one day she is an angel and the next day I am kicking out a drinking party at my place, that I couldn't even imagine my sweet girl organizing while lying to my face. If you find a way to better it, let me know. I am that patient, not raising my voice even after unauthorized party parent. She finds fault even with that!