Getting Married in 2 months....but I love someone else I can't have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't give up a real relationship and marriage over a fantasy.

OP here, that is my thought. I have something real. She is a sweet wonderful woman who I am about to marry. Why give her up for someone I am not even positive loves me even a little. Bird in the hand concept. To the previous user, to some extent yeah that is my plan let it fade away once I am married cause I won't be able to be in contact with her to the level I am now.

Not a great plan, what happens if you do see her rarely? All those feelings are going to come rushing back in and you will be elated only to later be crushed because she is gone again. To your wife you will be all happy in and good mode then slump in to a depression and she will have no clue why. Eventually she will label you as moddy and unpredictable behavior and divorce you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In 2 months I will be walking down the isle with a lovely woman. I feel like I love her and I feel like she loves me. We have had a long distance relationship but have worked really hard to get to know each other and spend time with each other. We both have children from other marriages. I work with a woman that is my absolute best friend, at least that is what I have to tell/portray to every one else. The reality is I love this woman deeply and I have a really hard time just staying away from her. She moved to another place for work so I see her occasionally and we text and phone each other at least once a day. It has been over a year and a day rarely goes by when I have no contact with her. She is successful in her career, independent, beautiful beyond the telling, a little older than me and pretty well to do. She is single. I know she is not that woman for me but I can't shake her, I can't not be in some type of contact with her. We talk and talk and talk and she understands me, supports me and stands by me through thick and thin. I have to let her go and I don't know how. I can't start my new marriage like this. How do I do this? Am I wrong for marrying someone else when I have this level of feeling for another woman even though I know I can never be with her and the best I will ever have is the friendship I have now.

I think you know the answer.

You cannot get married under these circumstances.

The wedding is planned people are flying in. It would crush my fiancé to cancel now. The, I don't know what to call her, one I love doesn't want to marry, can't have children and these are things I want in life. I know they say you can't help who you love but this is so the opposite of the things I do want in my life. If I call off the wedding then what? I like the concept of marriage but she won't marry anyone, believes the idea that someone who gets up everyday and stays with you by choice is better than the legal obligation of marriage. I give up my hopes and dreams to be with this woman I have no guarantee wants to be with me. Nothing has happened between us, we just spend a lot of time together and am in constant communication.

Not the OP, but what if it isn't love, what if it is an EA or infatuation that given the time away it will fade. He isn't going to be able to keep up this level of contact once he is actually married. There is no way he could do that and not at least get questioned by his wife on who he is texting and talking to. Is that your plan? You get married and you are forced to reduce contact with this person and you are hoping it all just goes away?

You know what would crush her more? Finding out after she's been married for 2, 5, 10 years and has a few kids that her husband doesn't really love her and has always been in love with someone else. She deserves to know, and she deserves to know before she marries you. To do hide this from her is the most selfish thing you could possibly do.

Not the OP, but what if it isn't love, what if it is an EA or infatuation that given the time away it will fade. He isn't going to be able to keep up this level of contact once he is actually married. There is no way he could do that and not at least get questioned by his wife on who he is texting and talking to. Is that your plan? You get married and you are forced to reduce contact with this person and you are hoping it all just goes away?

PP here. OP and his crush aren't the important part here. I care about his fiancé and how he's completely screwing her over. I can't even imagine finding out now after 5 years of marriage and two babies that when we got married, my husband was in constant contact with another woman. OP, you're being incredibly selfish. Break it off now. If you don't love your fiance now, you never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't give up a real relationship and marriage over a fantasy.

OP here, that is my thought. I have something real. She is a sweet wonderful woman who I am about to marry. Why give her up for someone I am not even positive loves me even a little. Bird in the hand concept. To the previous user, to some extent yeah that is my plan let it fade away once I am married cause I won't be able to be in contact with her to the level I am now.

She is not a bird. She is not property. She is a person, about to make the biggest commitment of her life. You are withholding critical information from her which relates to that commitment.

Does she know she is the "bird in the hand" to you? You need to tell her, so that she understands what she is, and is not, to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't give up a real relationship and marriage over a fantasy.

OP here, that is my thought. I have something real. She is a sweet wonderful woman who I am about to marry. Why give her up for someone I am not even positive loves me even a little. Bird in the hand concept. To the previous user, to some extent yeah that is my plan let it fade away once I am married cause I won't be able to be in contact with her to the level I am now.

She is not a bird. She is not property. She is a person, about to make the biggest commitment of her life. You are withholding critical information from her which relates to that commitment.

Does she know she is the "bird in the hand" to you? You need to tell her, so that she understands what she is, and is not, to you.

Who is your fiancé? How different is she from "the one you love". Is she a scaled down version of her or are the completely opposite of each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't give up a real relationship and marriage over a fantasy.

OP here, that is my thought. I have something real. She is a sweet wonderful woman who I am about to marry. Why give her up for someone I am not even positive loves me even a little. Bird in the hand concept. To the previous user, to some extent yeah that is my plan let it fade away once I am married cause I won't be able to be in contact with her to the level I am now.

She is not a bird. She is not property. She is a person, about to make the biggest commitment of her life. You are withholding critical information from her which relates to that commitment.

Does she know she is the "bird in the hand" to you? You need to tell her, so that she understands what she is, and is not, to you.

EXACTLY. Tell your fiancé how you feel and let her find someone who will actually love her. I don't give a shit what you do with your coworker after that. You are being a terrible person if you marry her under completely false pretenses. How dare you act like you are doing her a favor by marrying her when you're in love with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't give up a real relationship and marriage over a fantasy.

OP here, that is my thought. I have something real. She is a sweet wonderful woman who I am about to marry. Why give her up for someone I am not even positive loves me even a little. Bird in the hand concept. To the previous user, to some extent yeah that is my plan let it fade away once I am married cause I won't be able to be in contact with her to the level I am now.

She is not a bird. She is not property. She is a person, about to make the biggest commitment of her life. You are withholding critical information from her which relates to that commitment.

Does she know she is the "bird in the hand" to you? You need to tell her, so that she understands what she is, and is not, to you.

Who is your fiancé? How different is she from "the one you love". Is she a scaled down version of her or are the completely opposite of each other?

OP here - my fiancé is a very kind woman. No she isn't a scaled down version she is probable the polar opposite of her. She doesn't have great wealth and a great job and things like that. She is a simple woman who wants simple things in life.

[Anonymous]

I am going to play devil's advocate here.....he said he doesn't even know how this other chick feels about him. He has someone solid who wants to commit to him. Love ain't all its cracked up to be. Maybe they can be committed to each other and the love will come later and then this thing with this woman will fade in to the distant. No she isn't a bird as mentioned before but she is a solid person who is willing to do right by him.

[Anonymous]

OMG I would be furious that you married me because I was kind. Seriously, that's the best you can say about her? I want someone who adores me. Who, when we walk into a room, thinks "I'm the luckiest guy here".

I'm not the prettiest woman, I've gained weight, and the sex has slowed down. But I know DH thinks that about me and I of him. And it's gotten us through some really really tough times.

Please don't marry this woman. Not because of the fantasy woman you have on the side. But because you don't love her enough. There isn't enough there to get you through the tough times.

Ps-the way you stop calling this other woman is take her number out of your contacts, unfriend her on social media and block her number. AND this woman, who BTW, totally knows you are crazy about her, is not a nice woman. She knows you are engaged and yet still is using you to feed her ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't give up a real relationship and marriage over a fantasy.

OP here, that is my thought. I have something real. She is a sweet wonderful woman who I am about to marry. Why give her up for someone I am not even positive loves me even a little. Bird in the hand concept. To the previous user, to some extent yeah that is my plan let it fade away once I am married cause I won't be able to be in contact with her to the level I am now.

She is not a bird. She is not property. She is a person, about to make the biggest commitment of her life. You are withholding critical information from her which relates to that commitment.

Does she know she is the "bird in the hand" to you? You need to tell her, so that she understands what she is, and is not, to you.

Who is your fiancé? How different is she from "the one you love". Is she a scaled down version of her or are the completely opposite of each other?

OP here - my fiancé is a very kind woman. No she isn't a scaled down version she is probable the polar opposite of her. She doesn't have great wealth and a great job and things like that. She is a simple woman who wants simple things in life.

Tell her that she is the bird in the hand, that you choose her in part because you cannot have the bird in the bush.

She will take it from there.

[Anonymous]

Is this an arranged or semi-arranged marriage, by chance? Are there cultural issues at play?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this an arranged or semi-arranged marriage, by chance? Are there cultural issues at play?

OP here, no not an arranged marriage but a race difference and an age difference that is significant. Thus the reason why I don't see how we can be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG I would be furious that you married me because I was kind. Seriously, that's the best you can say about her? I want someone who adores me. Who, when we walk into a room, thinks "I'm the luckiest guy here".

I'm not the prettiest woman, I've gained weight, and the sex has slowed down. But I know DH thinks that about me and I of him. And it's gotten us through some really really tough times.

Please don't marry this woman. Not because of the fantasy woman you have on the side. But because you don't love her enough. There isn't enough there to get you through the tough times.

Ps-the way you stop calling this other woman is take her number out of your contacts, unfriend her on social media and block her number. AND this woman, who BTW, totally knows you are crazy about her, is not a nice woman. She knows you are engaged and yet still is using you to feed her ego.

This, simgle woman would clearly never go for op. Time to end the fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Wow, what a hot mess. Do you think this woman loves you? If so why? If she loves you as much as you love her then she has to be crushed sitting there watching you marry someone else. Is she crushed? If she was crushed she would be cutting of ties with you and trying to move on. You said there is significant age difference...define significant. I agree with pp you may love your fiancé but you don't love her enough. You don't love her to the point of adoration or this other woman wouldn't be occupying so much time in your head. I know it takes balls of steel to end a engagement where a boat load of money has already been spent but you will spend a lot more on a divorce and even more if kids are involved. If you do nothing else, find out how this woman feels about you. Find out if there is any future there. If she shoots it in the foot and has nothing for you that should end your little fantasy right there. If she does then you need to stop and figure out if being married and having kids is your be all end all cause it sounds like she isn't game or possible for either. Can you accept being with this woman and not having these things. You have nothing to lose if you sit her down and ask some serious questions about her feelings. If she does have feelings then happy you. If not, no big deal cause you need to get away from her anyway. Maybe not end the engagement but push back the wedding till you can get yourself together concerning this woman and how you feel about your fiancé. If you get her out of your life and focus on your fiancé then maybe, just maybe you will find that you really do lover your fiancé and can put more focus on her.

[Anonymous]

OP. This " other woman" is playing you for a fool. And you are playing the woman you are marrying for a fool.
Why don't you get rid of both woman and grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't give up a real relationship and marriage over a fantasy.

+1.OP, you are in the friend zone. Has she let you know that? Are you stalking her?