Am I required to maintain my children's relationship with their father's parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is that they are about an hour and a half away. If they come to my house, they expect to stay. They don't like going out and doing things much (they aren't active, are overweight and can't walk much, don't like the cold outdoors, don't like the heat outdoors in the summer.) If I take them to their house (which is the only other option), I'm in a car for 3 hours.

I guess I don't understand. If they come they can entertain the kids while you either go out and do something or go to bed and take a nap. Obviously if you have other plans with the kids that's one thing but it sounds like a visit from the ILs is a chance to get a break. Order pizza for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big believer in taking responsibility for what you're supposed to do. In this case, it's the responsibility of you ex to foster the relationship between his kids and his parents.

If he's out of town and your exILs call you to set up plans with their grandkids, don't block it. But I would also treat it as I would any other playdate. What are the logistics? Who is picking up and dropping off? Where and what time?

NP. It sounds like they're still married. However, I still think it's the husband's responsibility to coordinate with his parents.

We ARE still married. I don't block it if it works for me when they ask. His weekend for instance, they want to visit the kids. I'm exhausted and tired from multiple things - busy week.. I said no, doesn't work. They think I'm being selfish, my husband inks I'm being difficult. He won't be back until Tuesday. I don't want to do anything this weekend, especially visit with inlaws without my husband. I guess the play date comparison is accurate.

Drama queen. Poor you. You're tired. The rest of humanity also works and are tired on weekends and evenings BUT most of us know it is important to maintain a relationship with both sets of grandparents. You sound like a PITA princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is that they are about an hour and a half away. If they come to my house, they expect to stay. They don't like going out and doing things much (they aren't active, are overweight and can't walk much, don't like the cold outdoors, don't like the heat outdoors in the summer.) If I take them to their house (which is the only other option), I'm in a car for 3 hours.

That's pretty typical of a visit with grandparents for many, many people. What were you expecting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big believer in taking responsibility for what you're supposed to do. In this case, it's the responsibility of you ex to foster the relationship between his kids and his parents.

If he's out of town and your exILs call you to set up plans with their grandkids, don't block it. But I would also treat it as I would any other playdate. What are the logistics? Who is picking up and dropping off? Where and what time?

NP. It sounds like they're still married. However, I still think it's the husband's responsibility to coordinate with his parents.

We ARE still married. I don't block it if it works for me when they ask. His weekend for instance, they want to visit the kids. I'm exhausted and tired from multiple things - busy week.. I said no, doesn't work. They think I'm being selfish, my husband inks I'm being difficult. He won't be back until Tuesday. I don't want to do anything this weekend, especially visit with inlaws without my husband. I guess the play date comparison is accurate.

Drama queen. Poor you. You're tired. The rest of humanity also works and are tired on weekends and evenings BUT most of us know it is important to maintain a relationship with both sets of grandparents. You sound like a PITA princess.

Oh please. OP is basically a single mother while her husband is away, dealing with kids and some sort of issues, as mentioned. She's allowed to be tired. I'm guessing you have a husband at home? Or are you just Super Single Mom? You never get tired? And you plan your weekends around your husbands or ex husbands parents? Riiight...

[Anonymous]

I feel you have to make this effort for HIS parents to see your kids in your husband so absence, is making the same effort with YOUR parents when he is home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big believer in taking responsibility for what you're supposed to do. In this case, it's the responsibility of you ex to foster the relationship between his kids and his parents.

If he's out of town and your exILs call you to set up plans with their grandkids, don't block it. But I would also treat it as I would any other playdate. What are the logistics? Who is picking up and dropping off? Where and what time?

NP. It sounds like they're still married. However, I still think it's the husband's responsibility to coordinate with his parents.

We ARE still married. I don't block it if it works for me when they ask. His weekend for instance, they want to visit the kids. I'm exhausted and tired from multiple things - busy week.. I said no, doesn't work. They think I'm being selfish, my husband inks I'm being difficult. He won't be back until Tuesday. I don't want to do anything this weekend, especially visit with inlaws without my husband. I guess the play date comparison is accurate.

Drama queen. Poor you. You're tired. The rest of humanity also works and are tired on weekends and evenings BUT most of us know it is important to maintain a relationship with both sets of grandparents. You sound like a PITA princess.

Oh please. OP is basically a single mother while her husband is away, dealing with kids and some sort of issues, as mentioned. She's allowed to be tired. I'm guessing you have a husband at home? Or are you just Super Single Mom? You never get tired? And you plan your weekends around your husbands or ex husbands parents? Riiight...

NP here (not the one who posted above). Actually my DH works a lot of hours and a lot of weekends and travels regularly, and I facilitate our DCs' relationships with my ILs. I make sure we FaceTime with them 2-3 times each week (he is not home during these times, he is still at work and won't get home until after kids get to bed), I nag my husband to invite my ILs to stay, and when my ILs visit I spend most of my time visiting with them and the kids while he works. I don't really enjoy it (and sometimes really hate it) when they visit because I don't have much in common with them and it disrupts our entire routine when they visit, but I make an effort to make them feel welcome in our home.

I do this because I see how much my kids get out of having a meaningful relationship with their grandparents - not just saying "that's my Grandma/pa" but feeling a real connection and sense of history with her/him. My kids benefit from my effort. Yes, my ILs also benefit, but I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for my kids.

OP needs to stop focusing on herself and how it inconveniences her to see her ILs, and focus on how that is a special relationship for her kids, and there is a limited window in which her kid can develop that relationship.

And yes, I do plan my weekends around seeing my parents now that I have kids - each weekend I take my kids to go visit my folks for 2-3 hours, and it is an hour drive each way. I usually go every Sunday afternoon, but if one DC has an event or something else, I make plans for another time.

You show by example the value that family has to you, and what it should mean to your kids.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws are alcoholics so I avoid them as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws live 6 hours away and my daughter is their only grandchild. Seeing her is really important to them. So when my ex deploys, we do weekly skype calls and they do monthly visits. During one long deployment, I put her on a plane to see them for a week.

They're nice people, she loves hanging with them, and it gives me a break from 100% solo parenting.

[Anonymous]

OP, I look at it this way. Kids watch everything you do and learn. You set the tone and example. If you treat your IL's well, then hopefully when they marry they will show you the same respect. How do you want your SIL or DIL to treat you?

[Anonymous]

No. He's gone for 2 weeks at a time? That's not long for grandparents not to see grandkids. They can wait. I'm an introvert and I won't have my H's family over unless he is there. If he was gone for months, then I might bend those rules, but 2 weeks? No.

When we first married, my DH and his family expected all sorts of stuff from me. I was 'supposed' to do all the correspondence and gifts and arrange visits and take care of them while they visited. As my personality does not even begin to accommodate that, I set my boundaries and they were all upset-- and said unkind things. However, they all got over it and now we work within the framework that was set then and they have been kind since then. My point is, it is not uncommon for people to lash out when you are not doing what they expect of you-- but that doesn't mean you should change your mind or feel guilty. They will adapt and you will be happier if you set the rules for your own time. It's not like you are cutting them off, you are just getting a day in when you see them. If one weekend doesn't work for you that is valid. If your H thinks it is important for your kids to see them more, then he can facilitate it. I'm sure it would be laughable if you were out of town and demanded he invite your parents over for the weekend.

Good luck! I want people to like me and not cause problems, but often that works better if I stand up for mysel at the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I maintain that relationship for the kids.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what others think my level of obligation to my ILs is in this situation:

My husband often travels (both internationally and domestically) for work. Some months he isn't gone much, but other months, he can be gone for two weeks at a time, and even occasionally, he will be gone for a month if he is working overseas.

What would you expect my obligation is to my ILs regarding our children in my husband's absence? Am I required to maintain this relationship? I should add, they are about 1.25 hours away, and we are civil but not friendly. Oddly, my ILs will go through my husband if they want to see the kids, completely bypassing me, knowing he is out of town.

I think it is really odd that you think of it as an obligation to maintain a relationship between your child and your child's grandparents.

Maybe my perspective is different. My father just passed away and I am finding all the wasted time believing that I had more time to cultivate a relationship with him is weighing on me.

But - they are family. They may not be your parents, but they are your child's grandparents. And they will not be around forever. I understand you are tired, but the fact that you wouldn't take the time to let your child's grandparents visit - use it as a moment for yourself to rest and relax - there seems to be more to the story.

Personally speaking, I would be pissed that my DW thought so little of my parents that she would act the way you are acting.

Like another PP said - it's not about you - it's what is best for the kids.

And as long as there isn't something you aren't saying and the grandparents are good to your child, then you need to think about what is more important - you being tired - or you child having a good relationship with their family.

So strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what others think my level of obligation to my ILs is in this situation:

My husband often travels (both internationally and domestically) for work. Some months he isn't gone much, but other months, he can be gone for two weeks at a time, and even occasionally, he will be gone for a month if he is working overseas.

What would you expect my obligation is to my ILs regarding our children in my husband's absence? Am I required to maintain this relationship? I should add, they are about 1.25 hours away, and we are civil but not friendly. Oddly, my ILs will go through my husband if they want to see the kids, completely bypassing me, knowing he is out of town.

I think it is really odd that you think of it as an obligation to maintain a relationship between your child and your child's grandparents.

Maybe my perspective is different. My father just passed away and I am finding all the wasted time believing that I had more time to cultivate a relationship with him is weighing on me.

But - they are family. They may not be your parents, but they are your child's grandparents. And they will not be around forever. I understand you are tired, but the fact that you wouldn't take the time to let your child's grandparents visit - use it as a moment for yourself to rest and relax - there seems to be more to the story.

Personally speaking, I would be pissed that my DW thought so little of my parents that she would act the way you are acting.

Like another PP said - it's not about you - it's what is best for the kids.

And as long as there isn't something you aren't saying and the grandparents are good to your child, then you need to think about what is more important - you being tired - or you child having a good relationship with their family.
Yes
So strange.

I think your response is so strange. OP do what works for your busy life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If possible, I would send DH with the kids to his parents and take a break for yourself.

Read the post. Her husband is traveling and her inlaws live over an hour away. OP is tired and doesn't want to host this weekend - which is perfectly understandable.

When I'm handling kids by myself for a week at a time, I feel drained by the time the weekend comes around. The last thing I'd want to do is host my inlaws! It's fine to say this doesn't work with your schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what others think my level of obligation to my ILs is in this situation:

My husband often travels (both internationally and domestically) for work. Some months he isn't gone much, but other months, he can be gone for two weeks at a time, and even occasionally, he will be gone for a month if he is working overseas.

What would you expect my obligation is to my ILs regarding our children in my husband's absence? Am I required to maintain this relationship? I should add, they are about 1.25 hours away, and we are civil but not friendly. Oddly, my ILs will go through my husband if they want to see the kids, completely bypassing me, knowing he is out of town.

I think it is really odd that you think of it as an obligation to maintain a relationship between your child and your child's grandparents.

Maybe my perspective is different. My father just passed away and I am finding all the wasted time believing that I had more time to cultivate a relationship with him is weighing on me.

But - they are family. They may not be your parents, but they are your child's grandparents. And they will not be around forever. I understand you are tired, but the fact that you wouldn't take the time to let your child's grandparents visit - use it as a moment for yourself to rest and relax - there seems to be more to the story.

Personally speaking, I would be pissed that my DW thought so little of my parents that she would act the way you are acting.

Like another PP said - it's not about you - it's what is best for the kids.

And as long as there isn't something you aren't saying and the grandparents are good to your child, then you need to think about what is more important - you being tired - or you child having a good relationship with their family.

So strange.

What's best for the kids is having a mother who is not at the end of her rope.

OP, there is no shame in needing time to rest. Don't overextend yourself just to please your husband and inlaws.