Am I required to maintain my children's relationship with their father's parents?

[Anonymous]

I'm curious what others think my level of obligation to my ILs is in this situation:

My husband often travels (both internationally and domestically) for work. Some months he isn't gone much, but other months, he can be gone for two weeks at a time, and even occasionally, he will be gone for a month if he is working overseas.

What would you expect my obligation is to my ILs regarding our children in my husband's absence? Am I required to maintain this relationship? I should add, they are about 1.25 hours away, and we are civil but not friendly. Oddly, my ILs will go through my husband if they want to see the kids, completely bypassing me, knowing he is out of town.

[Anonymous]

I'm a big believer in taking responsibility for what you're supposed to do. In this case, it's the responsibility of you ex to foster the relationship between his kids and his parents.

If he's out of town and your exILs call you to set up plans with their grandkids, don't block it. But I would also treat it as I would any other playdate. What are the logistics? Who is picking up and dropping off? Where and what time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big believer in taking responsibility for what you're supposed to do. In this case, it's the responsibility of you ex to foster the relationship between his kids and his parents.

If he's out of town and your exILs call you to set up plans with their grandkids, don't block it. But I would also treat it as I would any other playdate. What are the logistics? Who is picking up and dropping off? Where and what time?

NP. It sounds like they're still married. However, I still think it's the husband's responsibility to coordinate with his parents.

[Anonymous]

I maintain that relationship for the kids.

[Anonymous]

What does he do when they contact him when he is out of town? Does he facilitate it through you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big believer in taking responsibility for what you're supposed to do. In this case, it's the responsibility of you ex to foster the relationship between his kids and his parents.

If he's out of town and your exILs call you to set up plans with their grandkids, don't block it. But I would also treat it as I would any other playdate. What are the logistics? Who is picking up and dropping off? Where and what time?

NP. It sounds like they're still married. However, I still think it's the husband's responsibility to coordinate with his parents.

We ARE still married. I don't block it if it works for me when they ask. His weekend for instance, they want to visit the kids. I'm exhausted and tired from multiple things - busy week.. I said no, doesn't work. They think I'm being selfish, my husband inks I'm being difficult. He won't be back until Tuesday. I don't want to do anything this weekend, especially visit with inlaws without my husband. I guess the play date comparison is accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he do when they contact him when he is out of town? Does he facilitate it through you?

He will say, "Let me check with Larla and see if that's fine." Then im the bad guy if I say no.

[Anonymous]

OP, do they want to see the kids or talk to the kids while your husband is away? How old are your kids? Why are you and your ILs civil but not friendly--what's the backstory? How often do they want to see the kids while your DH is away, and how often do they see the kids when your husband is around? How much of your family time with your husband do you want to spend with the in-laws versus getting them some time with the grandkids while your husband is away (thereby hopefully preserving more nuclear family time)? Lastly, do your kids like your in-laws?

[Anonymous]

It is unclear whether you are still married or not but either together w/DH or have him do his self tell IL's to feel free to keep contact going and then foster it. Let them lead but as long as there is nothing wrong with them, what a gift for your kids to have Grandparents a part of their lives-and it shouldn't be squandered because of their father's long and frequent absences

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to have your back. He also needs to stop telling his parents the reasons you say no.

So instead of "oh DW is too tired to host you this weekend" he needs to say "this weekend isn't a good time".

If they ask why, just say you have other plans. Which is true, you have other plans. To do nothing. That is a plan.

If he can't back you up on this, it's a marriage problem, not an inlaw problem.

[Anonymous]

If possible, I would send DH with the kids to his parents and take a break for yourself.

[Anonymous]

9:56 again. I posted before seeing your update. In this situation, if you're tired and don't feel like having company, that seems perfectly legit to me. But if they can come, take the kids out for the afternoon, then drop them off and drive home, maybe let them do that. But if it means hosting them, organizing a meal, being polite, and so on, I think it's ok to say no sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Or do you need to be there, if you're away can they take the kids for a few hours to a dinner or a movie or something without you?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should be obligated to see them when DH is out of town, he should proactively set up visits when he's around. UNLESS - they are the type of grandparents where they could come visit and hang out with the kids while you get out on your own for a couple hours.

[Anonymous]

The issue is that they are about an hour and a half away. If they come to my house, they expect to stay. They don't like going out and doing things much (they aren't active, are overweight and can't walk much, don't like the cold outdoors, don't like the heat outdoors in the summer.) If I take them to their house (which is the only other option), I'm in a car for 3 hours.