When did you realize you didn't like your mom (or dad)?

[Anonymous]

My mom has always been obsessed with appearance and would do anything to save face, and when I realized this I lost respect for her.

The summer after my freshman year I got a call that my best friend from school was brain dead from a bike accident. Her family kept her on life support since her heart was still beating strong and she was in a hospital in another state. I was devastated and didn't know how to process it all, and was also trying to figure out the logistics of getting to her bedside. I remember very vividly that both my dad and brother were sitting in the living room with me, trying to console me, while my mom started to yell at me from the kitchen for not calling a family friend back in a timely manner about some mundane matter and thus making her looking bad. We were all stunned, and my dad, who's normally very mild, rebuked her for being so foolishly pig headed for picking on me during such a traumatic time. I lost a lot of respect for her after that, and knew I could never go to her for comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a preteen/tween I was really close to my mother and as a teenager/young adult I realized that she had been basically using me as her therapist and sharing things that I shouldn't have had to deal with at such a young age. As I grew older I gradually realized that I was losing respect for her and being more frequently frustrated by her overwhelming negativity. Things really came to a head around the time of my wedding and I lost pretty much all respect for her.

Since then, I've tried to focus on her good qualities and to recognize how much of her behavior stems from mental health issues. She's gotten less negative over the past few years which is a great relief and makes it easier to be around her. I know that she loves me and try to keep my expectations low which has also helped significantly. It's only now that I'm finally recognizing the full extent of my parents' issues and what caused them to behave the way they do (anxiety, depression, probable ADHD). Unfortunately, unlike a PP, the lessons that I learned from my parents were more about what NOT to do, but at least I learned the lessons and any time I find myself slipping into lazy or negative or self-centered behavior I catch myself and recognize that I'd never want my kids to feel about me the way that I feel about my mother.

Whoa. Did I write this?

[Anonymous]

My father raged frequently and was abusive. I never really liked him but I did love him because that's what I was conditioned to do. He killed himself when I was 20 and that's when I finally started going through the process to understand that what I felt for him wasn't love and while I don't have a name for it, I let those feelings go, too. Now, when I have dreams that include him, he no longer has any power over me.

My mother and I had a good relationship until the youngest of my 3 kids was about 2. That's when I really became aware of the close relationship between my youngest 2 and was reminded of me and my little brother - who killed himself when I was 22. The enormity of my childhood came crushing down on me. I couldn't understand how my mother could let my father do the things he did. Had anyone done to my kids what my father had done to my kids, I, literally, would kill them. I saw my mother in a whole different light Before this moment, I had had some anger at my mother but swallowed it because she was a much better grandmother than a mother. But, after that moment, I stopped liking her.

I've had lots of therapy to help deal with it and am in a good place but I don't think I'll ever like my mother again.

[Anonymous]

As a teenager, I started realizing how much both of my parents held grudges--with each other and increasingly with me. In college, I realized that they pretty much never called me unless I called them. When I met DW, they (primarily my dad but with zero visible resistance from my mom) didn't want to meet her and my dad even wrote me an email about how they'd changed the locks after we drove once to visit them 6h away because of how rude it was to come over when they weren't ready.

Things got better after we had kids, and we've seen them and they've seen us once or twice a year since then, but last year I realized I'd had enough of being the only one to ever call ever, and decided to only call during their birthdays and Christmas from then on (while calling back if they ever called me). Since Christmas, we've exchanged exactly zero phone calls. Since both of their birthdays are in September, we aren't going to hear from each other for a long time, and that suits me fine.

We have a healthy relationship with my wife's parents, and as far as I'm concerned, our kids will be much better off knowing them than my parents. My parents have never been mean to them in the least, but I'm just tired of trying of trying to maintain a relationship with folks who aren't very interested in doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP of 11:59, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your parents sound amazing.

Thank you! My parents are amazing - I was a selfish, entitled, self-centered child. I don't know where I got it from (possibly adoption issues)... But, I was a horrible son.

Anything good in me - comes from emulating my Dad - he was a great man.

I learned so many things about his after his death that I am ashamed I did not know about him while he was a live.

He marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. and used to co-sign for mortgages for African American families that were racially discriminated against when trying to obtain loans.

He flew airplanes in the air force during the Korean War.

He was a Sr. Engineer for Boeing and helped design and innovate the Chinook helicopter.

He left a very lucrative job at Boeing to start his own company to make advances in minimally intrusive surgical equipment such as ultrasound machines, heart monitors, etc.

He flew gliders - although I do remember as a young child - my Dad flying me and my twin brother in the glider.

He was a great man - he was big on social responsibility, big on values, big on compassion - he was a great husband to my mother - I never saw them fight - I know they would have discussions in the bedroom with the door closed, but when they came out - they were a united front - and he adored her until the day he died (think old couple still pinching each other's butts)...

Your description of your father made an internet stranger tear up. He was a giant of a man.

I lost my dad 2 years ago and the grief still comes in waves. I wish you peace and healing.

+1. I'm having many insights post my father's passing and dealing with my own kids. Trying to use this in a positive way.

[Anonymous]

Let's see , for my father it happened when I was about eight and he woke me up in the night to scream at me that I was glad my mother had cancer and I didn't want her to get better. Maybe it was earlier when he slapped me across the face in front of company for sassing him. Can't remember.

As for my mom, that took longer. She mostly ignored me during my childhood, and when I made any demands she would cry and get hysterical, sometimes she would threaten to leave us (one summer she did) but I didn't hate her, mostly I would just feel angry and hurt by her theatrics.

It took me until I was an adult and in a really great heathy relationship to realize how effed up ours was, but it wasn't until I had my own kids that I truly began to dislike her.

[Anonymous]

I was an adult, maybe 30, when I finally realized that while I LOVE my parents, I don't like them, and the shine has worn off some of the kid-feelings although they weren't horrible parents and I do have good chilcdhood memories.
For a long time I just thought it ws me. But when my mother (unprompted) said that they knew they had neglected me "bc you were going to be okay and your sib wasn't" That was the end for me. Not apologizing, not defending, just Yeah, we kinda blew you off. And intend to make up for it now with money. They did not inserstand (maybe still don't) why I wanted no part of that particular fFa package.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like the type of people my parents are. I realized I could not live with them as soon as I was old enough to make it on my own. I have a half-way decent relationship with my mother. I barely talk to my father; he's the one with serious issues.

Wow, I could have written this. When I left for college, I never looked back. I realized by late childhood that I didn't particularly like either of my parents.

My dad has untreated mental illness (OCD, depression), and is unstable and unreliable. As a child, it was incredibly frustrating to be gaslighted by him. He would constantly go back on his word, and then claim that the rest of us were crazy and he had never said any such thing when we tried to call him out on it. He is also emotionally abusive.

My mother is a completely overbearing religious fanatic and judgmental of anyone who isn't "saved," but I've learned to mostly ignore it and we get along OK.

I continue to work on my resentment issues in therapy, and it's helped a lot.

How does your therapist help you with your resentment?

I have so much resentment toward my parents and don't know how to deal with it. We moved closer to be near them because they are good grandparents, but I myself don't like them very much as people.

[Anonymous]

np: I also see a therapist for resentment against my parents. She tells me that it's better for my kids to see a 'normal' relationship btw me and my parents, and the only way to achieve that 'normal' relationship is if I can make my desire to connect with them stronger than my anger. For now, I think that anger helps me cope with the stresses of having to support my family and take care of 3 dcs, one with SN and serious medical problems. But she says when I let go of the anger I'll feel a big weight off. So I'm hoping to achieve that. But I think they'd just treat me like a doormat. On the plus side, I only have a $20 co-pay for therapy and I feel it helps me keep the anger in a proper outlet, meaning a therapist's office is the right place to express that anger.

[Anonymous]

My mom is borderline.

I think I was about ten when I realized that she's really f-ed up.

Maybe I was 8.

[Anonymous]

I knew it when I was growing up and never wanted friends to come to my house and I spent as much time as I could at other peoples' houses. They made every little thing into a huge deal and they were the ultimate helicopter parents. They still are. My mom today came to my son's game and the first thing she asked me was whether I thanked my aunt for a gift she gave DS. I'm 36. Growing up I just didn't have any room to breathe. Plus the yelling. There was so much yelling in that house. Even today I am still uncomfortable when I go to their house because the exact same dynamic still exists. My mom insists on attending all of DS's sports events and while I appreciate her support for him it makes the events uncomfortable because I really don't want to spend more time with her than I have to. Plus she is trying to form relationships with the parents of my kid's friends, and it's awkward when she friend requests them on Facebook. She calls/texts me during the work day when she knows I don't have my phone on me and then gets upset when I don't respond within a few hours. She'll send me passive aggressive or just plain aggressive emails, texts and voicemails. If I do happen to have my phone on me then she bombards me with calls, texts and emails about random things that she thinks are crucial for me to know and respond to right that moment.

She just doesn't understand boundaries and as a result I've put a wall up because I cherish my privacy due to not having any during childhood. She also plays the victim and is upset that we don't have the kind of relationship that other mothers and daughters do but she refuses to acknowledge that her behavior has played a part in the lack of close relationship. She feels like she's entitled to a close relationship just because she gave birth to me. When I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a child or not she called me selfish and self-indulgent if I didn't have a child.

My dad is another story. He also has an issue with boundaries and is sick of hearing my mom complain about my lack of relationship with her and every single time we see each other he tells me that I need to make more of an effort with my mom because my behavior makes her upset. He fully admits her behavior is over the top, but I'm supposed to just deal with it even if it's detrimental to my own mental and physical health. I've told him multiple times that I don't want to have the same conversation and especially not at my kid's events but he continues to do it over and over again and it changes the tone of these events.

This is very general but there have been a lot of specific incidents that have caused me to dislike them. I really thought that this kind of dysfunction was normal for a long time before I went to therapy and realized that it wasn't and I don't want my child to grow up in that dynamic. Unfortunately before I realized this I got married to someone who perpetuates a similar dynamic and is a yeller and overreacts to small things. It makes me anxious sometimes to be in my own house due to that. I have tried to convey how I do not want our child to grow up with that kind of anxiety and he's gotten a little better but it's still there. I am really upset with my parents that they don't see how their dynamic has caused so many issues in our family. They don't understand why we're not a close-knit family like so many of their friends have. But I don't want to spend my adult life being parented and made to feel like there's something wrong with me.

[Anonymous]

My father was a heavy drinker. One night, he came in my room after an awards dinner, and confused me for my mom. It was awful.

I was 15 at the time, and didn't sleep properly for about two years. My mother called me all sorts of names, and never got me help for the sleep disorder. I didn't tell her about that night until my freshman year of college. She told me I was a drama queen and left me at the restaurant where we were having dinner.

My relationship with her has never been the same. My children adore her, but she is a pretty shitty grandmother. Throws money at things when she has the inclination. I haven't spoken to my father in 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was a heavy drinker. One night, he came in my room after an awards dinner, and confused me for my mom. It was awful.

I was 15 at the time, and didn't sleep properly for about two years. My mother called me all sorts of names, and never got me help for the sleep disorder. I didn't tell her about that night until my freshman year of college. She told me I was a drama queen and left me at the restaurant where we were having dinner.

My relationship with her has never been the same. My children adore her, but she is a pretty shitty grandmother. Throws money at things when she has the inclination. I haven't spoken to my father in 15 years.

I posted this. Just wanted to mention that I started seeing a counselor when I went to college, and that resulted in a lot of self awareness, healing, and boundary setting. I will tell my children when they are old enough that there are people that can help you if you need it. Of course I would love for them to come to us, but understand if they don't. We have a healthy household, and I attribute that to the mental health services I received at 18.

[Anonymous]

Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever do, and it lasts a lifetime. I wish people here were more forgiving toward other humans, especially their parents.

Sometimes that is hard when they hurt you.