Getting remarried and having another child when you have a tween/teen

[Anonymous]

Talk to your daughter about it.

I remarried when my kids were 5 and 12 and then had two children. My older kids see themselves as lucky to have two intact families, not as outsiders in either one.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do this. If your DD is 14 now, she's entering a critical phase where it's more important than ever for her to have your attention and guidance when she needs it. Obviously you aren't going to love your DD any less if/when you have another child, but you also will need to care for an infant/toddler and will have less time with her than you do now. And it's always been the two of you, having a new husband and baby might create a family dynamic that she feels left out of, or make her feel like you're "starting over". If this had happened when she were younger, I don't think it would be as big of a deal because younger kids are less self-conscious about these things, but she's 14. I wouldn't take the chance.

[Anonymous]

She's 11 not 14.

[Anonymous]

Well I'll just add that my parents divorced when I was young and one remarried when I was 7; the other remarried when I was 11. I LOVED my step parents like my own parents (and still do) but my worst fear was that they would have more children. They never did and to this day I'm so grateful. I imagine I would have felt very left out although I know it was selfish of me to pray they never had more...

[Anonymous]

Be careful. My college roommate was your daughter - she never felt like she was a part of the new family. So she made her own family - she gave birth to her first child at 15.

[Anonymous]

Hi! I would encourage you to talk this out with your daughter and boyfriend. I think it is very admirable that you are so considerate of your daughter’s feelings. That shows how good of a mom that you are. It won’t be long, though, until your daughter will be grown, married, and children of her own. At that point, you might look back and wish that you had pursued this relationship and had more children. Think it over, and have a good healthy conversation with all those involved. Praying for you!

[Anonymous]

I married DW when her DS was 10. Great, flexible kid. DW and I then had two children together. My stepson now considers those two the greatest gifts. Someday, his parents will be gone but he'll still have those two siblings. Do you want your daughter to be alone when you've passed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi! I would encourage you to talk this out with your daughter and boyfriend. I think it is very admirable that you are so considerate of your daughter’s feelings. That shows how good of a mom that you are. It won’t be long, though, until your daughter will be grown, married, and children of her own. At that point, you might look back and wish that you had pursued this relationship and had more children. Think it over, and have a good healthy conversation with all those involved. Praying for you!

This is something I worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely feel that way too. Poor DD gets to split her time between two intact families and she's the outsider all the time.

So you understand why this is a tough decision for me?

Sorry but I don't understand it. Your daughter is not a deciding factor with whom you marry or have a child with. She will adjust. She would still be splitting her time up between you and her actual father. ''Tis life. I have a child from a previous relationship. I went on to marry and have two more children. My first child loves his siblings so much. He still asks for another sibling (not happening). He still splits his time up. His dad never remarried or had other children. I like that he gives him one on one time and he gets a break from the babies.

maybe she won't adjust. OP Do you have to marry this guy at all? is he only wanted to marry so he can have a kid? I would be very uncomforatbly remarrying with a young child in the house. Too many stories of step fathers and inapproriate behavior. I would just date until my kid went off to college.

[Anonymous]

So depends on the kid. I had two children when I divorced. Got into a serious relationship with a divorced man with two kids. We were together a few years, great relationship but had not married or moved in together. We were about to take steps to move in and blend families when I discovered I was pregnant. Big surprise (I had an IUD in PLUS he had had a vasectomy 2 years earlier).

We never would have purposefully conceived, and there have been tough moments, but DD is 6 now. DH's oldest just went to college this fall. We were worried most about how she would take it (she was 12 when baby was born). There were times during infancy when she probably resented all the attention baby got, but she also enjoyed her sister a lot. We made sure DH could still spend one on one time with her sometimes, I did, too, we just made big efforts to do that.

So now we have 4 at home -- DH's 16 year old DS, my first two kids, now 13 and 10. I'd say the hardest part by far is that my kids feel torn when they transition to their dad (my ex). When they were younger, theyd' complain that baby DD didn't have to go anywhere, why did they.

Never did I think I'd be parenting 5 kids, including 3 of my own blood--but overall it's been wonderful. Majority of issues would have happened in any family of 5 kids. The twist was a year or so when my kids had harder transitions than normal to their dad. Things are calmer now.

Unplanned, but our DD is a treasure and it was a great bonding experience with my "new" DH. In so many ways my first marriage fell apart due to issues uncovered by having kids (including division of labor), but DH and I are such a team, it's been such a pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP! Stories like this give me hope that things will work out!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it but not for the reasons you mention. Why go back to diapers, burping, breastfeeding and all this crap?? you have a nice life with a guy who does not live with you - no additional problems with having another adult in the house and making all those compromises.
Why would you want all that baby hubby crap???
I would never do that!

[Anonymous]

Why so angry?

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I'm remarried with a teen who goes back and forth. There's a reason he's an only child. I don't have a lot of really useful advice here. I will tell you that he has a close friend with a MUCH younger half-sibling, and his friend loves his baby brother a lot.

There's no easy one-size-fits-all answer here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom remarried when I was ten, had my half-brother. My dad remarried a couple years later, and a half-brother and half-sister resulted from that marriage. It sucked to shuttle between two intact families (to echo a PP) living with their *family* while I was not. Christmases with stepfamilies etc. It only accentuated the things that suck about being a child of divorce. But that's life. It's up to you, OP.

I'm kind of horrified at how many of you think op should put her own plans ahead of her daughter. The poor kid didn't ask for any of this, including being the child of a broken home in the first place.

Op wait til she's 18. Then get married and have all the additional kids you want.