Getting remarried and having another child when you have a tween/teen

[Anonymous]

I've been seeing this guy for 4 years and he's brought up marriage again. He brought it up a few years ago, but I told him I thought it was too soon to think about it. Not only has he brought up marriage, but he said he would like to at least have one kid (he prefers 2). I have an 11 year old daughter and I worry about how marriage and another child would affect her. She's use to having me all to herself and I feel like it might be selfish of me to remarry and start a new family. My ex husband has done this and she feels left out because she splits her time between both homes and feels like she misses out on important moments. I don't want her to feel that way towards me if I remarry and have another baby. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Talk to her about it. Its not unreasonable for him to want a child.

[Anonymous]

What do *you* want to do?

[Anonymous]

I would definitely feel that way too. Poor DD gets to split her time between two intact families and she's the outsider all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely feel that way too. Poor DD gets to split her time between two intact families and she's the outsider all the time.

So you understand why this is a tough decision for me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely feel that way too. Poor DD gets to split her time between two intact families and she's the outsider all the time.

So you understand why this is a tough decision for me?

Sorry but I don't understand it. Your daughter is not a deciding factor with whom you marry or have a child with. She will adjust. She would still be splitting her time up between you and her actual father. ''Tis life. I have a child from a previous relationship. I went on to marry and have two more children. My first child loves his siblings so much. He still asks for another sibling (not happening). He still splits his time up. His dad never remarried or had other children. I like that he gives him one on one time and he gets a break from the babies.

[Anonymous]

My dad remarried when I was 13. They had a child when I was 21. I didn't learn until much later that he was willing to give her a baby but it was on the condition that we had graduated HS and were out of the house. My brother is 2 years younger than me.

We both love our little sister

[Anonymous]

As someone who has done that I would say no. I regret how very hard this has been on my oldest daughter. I LOVE my baby. I love my husband. But I deeply regret not staying just "us two"

Thank god this is an anonymous forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has done that I would say no. I regret how very hard this has been on my oldest daughter. I LOVE my baby. I love my husband. But I deeply regret not staying just "us two"

Thank god this is an anonymous forum.

Only hard because you made it hard.

[Anonymous]

She has you all to herself AND you've been dating him for 4 yrs

[Anonymous]

Talk to her about it, you might as well open up the channels of communication if she is a tween anyway, you'll need it as she gets older whether you remarry or not!

[Anonymous]

I have a teen, a tween, and a 3 month old. For what it's worth, I think this whole thing lives and dies on the kind of kid your older child is. My teen thinks the baby is cute, but he's not that interested in being so involved. But he is a pretty self-sufficient guy and so he isn't bothered by the amount of time the baby gets from me. And he sees his time at his dad's as a nice break from the midnight crying.

My tween is OBSESSED with babies and little kids. She dotes on her cousins and my friends' younger kids. So she is beyond excited about this baby and wants to spend all her time with us. She's had some upset moments about leaving to go to her dad's house, but we send lots of photos and videos by text and she skypes with the baby every night when she's gone.

If either of them was a different sort of kid, like one that needed much more of my attention or got jealous easily, this would be a disaster. My husband and I talked a lot before going down this road and the nature of my older kids was a big deciding factor.

[Anonymous]

Semi-echoing what other posters have said - it is a crapshoot - like all of life. You know your own tween and that gives you an indication of how things might go. My parents split up and dad (with whom I lived) remarried and had a child when I was 14. I was completely uninterested in babies at the time; half-brother was clearly the favored - "their" - child. That part didn't bother me overmuch given that I was soon off to college and uninterested in family life at that point given my own self-involvement/discovery stage.

He became quite a fuck-up and still essentially is . . . though the jury is out on how things will end up. Hard to pinpoint exactly why - combo inherent personality and some spoiling/overindulgence. He might pull it out and do okay in the long run (he is 34 now), though at his core he is pretty self-involved and unambitious so I have doubts that core essence will ever change. We are not close and I resent how hard he has made my dad and stepmother's lives. I am sure that every day their first waking thought is "I hope XX does ok today/doesn't screw things up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has you all to herself AND you've been dating him for 4 yrs

He doesn't live with us and most time we spend together is when DD is with her dad.

[Anonymous]

My mom remarried when I was ten, had my half-brother. My dad remarried a couple years later, and a half-brother and half-sister resulted from that marriage. It sucked to shuttle between two intact families (to echo a PP) living with their *family* while I was not. Christmases with stepfamilies etc. It only accentuated the things that suck about being a child of divorce. But that's life. It's up to you, OP.