Having a Good (but not Tiger Type) Kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both Ivy grads, and this is also generally our large circle of friends in real life and from Facebook, etc.

A good portion of our friends have been posting the early acceptances for their kids to similar top 20 schools.

Our son is a good student but probably only in the top 30% of his class. A B+ student in Regular classes, low 600s SATs. He has always loved the water and really loved some cruises we have gone on, where as a kid he met the captains, etc. He wants to go into shipping operations and attend a Maritime Academy.

He has been accepted into Maine and Massachusetts Maritime Academies and will be deciding between them.

My parents and in-laws are not happy about this, they keep heaving heavy sighs like for all their hard work their grandson is not going to be a King on Wall Street and is going to be killed by pirates. I have also been fastidiously avoiding FB and friends with the news because I just feel like all our friends are going to look at each other knowingly and be like "well I guess we know how their kid turned out."

Please kick my ass. I sorely need an ass-kicking to snap myself out of this feeling like our kid made a left turn into nowhere.

omg. Your son sounds awesome.

DH and I are both Harvard Law grads, (so, run in rather academically oriented circles) and it does feel like we are in some elite bubble where everyone I know wants their kid to be some amazing neurosurgeon or Wall St. tycoon. What's wrong with being a nurse, or a dental assistant? What about quality of life? And, btw, how will you put food on the table with the Yale Gender Studies degree? (not picking specifically on Yale or gender studies, but you get the point).

And how many of these kids ricochet back into their parents' homes after graduation? We've been seeing a bit of that; the never-ending fledgling.

You've got to look at the individual. I'm hoping one of my kids goes into some sort of wilderness-related field and I don't care if it's academic or not; that kid needs to be outside and move, not be stuck behind a desk even though she's an outstanding student.

BTW my brother drives trains. He's always loved trains, and dropped his other career to do it. Wasn't hired at the first railroad because he came off as too educated; when he applied for the second railroad he interviewed in jeans and got the job. He's 54 now; still loves his job.

[Anonymous]

Your son sounds like he is doing what makes him happy. Isn't that what we should want for our children?!? That is all I want for my kids. There are way to many people who are so unhappy with their life choices because they always felt pressured to keep up with their parents expectations... it's so sad to see.

[Anonymous]

Went through the same thing when my son decided to go into automotive technology. But, he's so happy and that's far better than going through life trying to please people.

[Anonymous]

I have a close family member who went to Maine Maritime Academy and is now a tug boat captain. He is wonderfully happy and my hat is off to his parents for letting him be who he is meant to be.

[Anonymous]

Coast guard spouse here and I truly think he's got an incredibly interesting life ahead of him. You should be very proud! My Facebook friends would approve.

[Anonymous]

My friend who went to Maine Maritime is now a nuclear engineer and has had a successful and fascinating career.

[Anonymous]

I am an educated professional living and working in DC. If I knew you and you told me your son's plans, I would say, "Oh my goodness, that is SO COOL." And I would mean it. And I would think you'd done something right, not wrong, in raising him.
Think: he will have a job he loves. He will be interesting at parties. He will probably be more financially secure than many of his peers. Good for him!

[Anonymous]

OP. Please remember that people only post Braggy things about our kids. There are many of us whole graduated from the ivied who will not be sending our kids there. Be proud that your son got into his first choice.

If Facebook is becoming something that interferes with your real life and real feelings, you should take a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Please remember that people only post Braggy things about our kids. There are many of us whole graduated from the ivied who will not be sending our kids there. Be proud that your son got into his first choice.

If Facebook is becoming something that interferes with your real life and real feelings, you should take a break.

Agree.

1-you don't know which ivy-bound kid also has a coke problem or depression issues. Not that it's true for any or most of your friends, but know that everyone is only posting successes.

2-You have to get out of the mindset of comparing to others. My goals for my kids are they should be happy and should be able to support themselves. So my happiness about their successes or failures is in that mindset. It's hard and I do still compare, but I try to reset myself when I do that to remember what's important in the big picture.

Off-topic, but relevant: my sibling married someone that was very out of the norm in many ways for our family. We knew that extended family and friends would be talking. My parents very proudly and publicly made it known how happy they were about the wedding and it squashed any talk. Now, people might still be talking or thinking small-minded thoughts, but we don't hear about it and that's enough for us. Just own it and it will be fine.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are both Ivy grads, and this is also generally our large circle of friends in real life and from Facebook, etc.

A good portion of our friends have been posting the early acceptances for their kids to similar top 20 schools.

Our son is a good student but probably only in the top 30% of his class. A B+ student in Regular classes, low 600s SATs. He has always loved the water and really loved some cruises we have gone on, where as a kid he met the captains, etc. He wants to go into shipping operations and attend a Maritime Academy.

He has been accepted into Maine and Massachusetts Maritime Academies and will be deciding between them.

My parents and in-laws are not happy about this, they keep heaving heavy sighs like for all their hard work their grandson is not going to be a King on Wall Street and is going to be killed by pirates. I have also been fastidiously avoiding FB and friends with the news because I just feel like all our friends are going to look at each other knowingly and be like "well I guess we know how their kid turned out."

Please kick my ass. I sorely need an ass-kicking to snap myself out of this feeling like our kid made a left turn into nowhere.

question - are your parents and dh's parents ivy grads/top 20 school grads as well? If not, they have no room to talk. If they are, then I am curious if there is something different you did with your son in terms of raising him than your parents and your inlaws did for you and dh.

First, thank you everyone for your really cool answers. I was so ashamed of admitting I'm sort of envious of my friends with kids who are going to Duke, Georgetown etc. and while I would NEVER EVER let my son know I have these thoughts, I do have them and it's an adjustment I'm going to have to make.

Yes, part of the problem is that both sets of grandparents were top school people. I don't even know why my parents seem so put off, because I have a brother who went to a big state school and he's doing quite fine in life. Maybe it's that they want the grandparent brag more than I thought. Could be.

I know it's also that they're unfamiliar with this choice, it makes no sense to them. I remember when I was a kid my mom said I could be anything I wanted to be - did I want to be a doctor or a lawyer? I'm only partially joking here.

As for raising him, he's just always been a kid who is very good, no trouble at all, has lots of friends who are also good kids, but he's never been one we could push into anything. He was either into it or not, and that was the end of the story. So as long as he was aware that better grades and scores give you more choices, I never pushed him further. Basically I counted my blessings that he was doing well enough, we all got along through the teen years, and like everyone he was going to figure it out.

BTW we do have one older who is at a top college via sports recruiting, he was "smarter" and had more academic energy, but boy was he a hard one to raise. I was proud when he got into his college but it was a relief to let college have him! He made us crazy with his antics.

I felt like I hit the jackpot with my one who wants to go into shipping just because he slept through the night and was such an easy kid.

Anyway thank you all so much for the input, it helped a lot and I will get to working on forgetting about what other people think.

[Anonymous]

My father, 2 cousins, and BIL all went to Mass Maritime. They graduated with low to no debt and had fantastic career opportunities with high earning potential and a great network. I think it's a perfect fit for someone who is interested!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both Ivy grads, and this is also generally our large circle of friends in real life and from Facebook, etc.

A good portion of our friends have been posting the early acceptances for their kids to similar top 20 schools.

Our son is a good student but probably only in the top 30% of his class. A B+ student in Regular classes, low 600s SATs. He has always loved the water and really loved some cruises we have gone on, where as a kid he met the captains, etc. He wants to go into shipping operations and attend a Maritime Academy.

He has been accepted into Maine and Massachusetts Maritime Academies and will be deciding between them.

My parents and in-laws are not happy about this, they keep heaving heavy sighs like for all their hard work their grandson is not going to be a King on Wall Street and is going to be killed by pirates. I have also been fastidiously avoiding FB and friends with the news because I just feel like all our friends are going to look at each other knowingly and be like "well I guess we know how their kid turned out."

Please kick my ass. I sorely need an ass-kicking to snap myself out of this feeling like our kid made a left turn into nowhere.

OP, sounds like you've raised a son who is pursuing his dream, and was just accepted to the best schools for maritime science. Be proud. He sounds like a great kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both Ivy grads, and this is also generally our large circle of friends in real life and from Facebook, etc.

A good portion of our friends have been posting the early acceptances for their kids to similar top 20 schools.

Our son is a good student but probably only in the top 30% of his class. A B+ student in Regular classes, low 600s SATs. He has always loved the water and really loved some cruises we have gone on, where as a kid he met the captains, etc. He wants to go into shipping operations and attend a Maritime Academy.

He has been accepted into Maine and Massachusetts Maritime Academies and will be deciding between them.

My parents and in-laws are not happy about this, they keep heaving heavy sighs like for all their hard work their grandson is not going to be a King on Wall Street and is going to be killed by pirates. I have also been fastidiously avoiding FB and friends with the news because I just feel like all our friends are going to look at each other knowingly and be like "well I guess we know how their kid turned out."

Please kick my ass. I sorely need an ass-kicking to snap myself out of this feeling like our kid made a left turn into nowhere.

OP, sounds like you've raised a son who is pursuing his dream, and was just accepted to the best schools for maritime science. Be proud. He sounds like a great kid.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

You did hit the jackpot, OP! Your son sounds amazing, happy and confident. You did good.
I'm actually guessing some of your Facebook friends might be envious of you and your child.
My kids are younger and we're also a double Ivy family (my siblings also went to Ivies or similar and our parents did, too) and I would be so thrilled if my children turn out like your son. Right now one DC is struggling. She's an academic star but often seems very down. I would give anything for her to have a happy childhood and know enough about herself to choose a path like your son has.

[Anonymous]

being happy is most important. I know plenty of "ivy educated" miserable adults because they followed a path they felt they had to follow...life is too short. Support him, forget everyone else.