Has sex become more vanilla?

[Anonymous]

Wife and I, married 10 years, 2 kids and the sex has become so so so vanilla. We "finish" but sex to her is to be efficient. One position, don't take too long.

It's really sad and she swears she is satisfied by it. If I suggest something, she will begrudgingly go along. Even what I suggest is mostly vanilla.

I think its a combo of her not having much of a sex drive and us having found a certain position and rhythm that works. I really, really miss the days of hot, uninhibited sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For most women, the translation from freaky to vanilla sex is part and parcel of their overall declining interest in sex with their husbands specifically, not sex in general.

Fixed that for you. Guaranteed that all of the DWs professing their lack of interest in sex would change their tune if another man was in the picture. Monogamy is hard. Even harder for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most women, the translation from freaky to vanilla sex is part and parcel of their overall declining interest in sex with their husbands specifically, not sex in general.

Fixed that for you. Guaranteed that all of the DWs professing their lack of interest in sex would change their tune if another man was in the picture. Monogamy is hard. Even harder for women.

Why is monogamy harder for women? If a man wrote that monogamy is harder for men this thread would be set on fire!!!! I've been monogamous for 35 years and if you have the right partner it's not that tough. Have I ever been tempted or thought about not being monogamous? Of course, I'm not dead! But why would I wreck what I have? Monogamy is really hard if you're not happy with what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most women, the translation from freaky to vanilla sex is part and parcel of their overall declining interest in sex with their husbands specifically, not sex in general.

Fixed that for you. Guaranteed that all of the DWs professing their lack of interest in sex would change their tune if another man was in the picture. Monogamy is hard. Even harder for women.

Why is monogamy harder for women? If a man wrote that monogamy is harder for men this thread would be set on fire!!!! I've been monogamous for 35 years and if you have the right partner it's not that tough. Have I ever been tempted or thought about not being monogamous? Of course, I'm not dead! But why would I wreck what I have? Monogamy is really hard if you're not happy with what you have.

Let me clarify. Staying FAITHFUL is just as hard for both. But for women, staying INTERESTED in sex with the same man is more difficult. Read the endless posts here where men decry their wives' lack of interest in sex with them, while wives decry their husbands' unwanted interest in sex with them. Most DHs posting here just want their wives to WANT to have sex with them. Most wives posting here on the subject want to have as little sex with their husbands as possible. Even the ones who are genuinely trying to meet them halfway are doing the bare minimum to keep their husbands from straying due to lack of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most women, the translation from freaky to vanilla sex is part and parcel of their overall declining interest in sex with their husbands specifically, not sex in general.

Fixed that for you. Guaranteed that all of the DWs professing their lack of interest in sex would change their tune if another man was in the picture. Monogamy is hard. Even harder for women.

Why is monogamy harder for women? If a man wrote that monogamy is harder for men this thread would be set on fire!!!! I've been monogamous for 35 years and if you have the right partner it's not that tough. Have I ever been tempted or thought about not being monogamous? Of course, I'm not dead! But why would I wreck what I have? Monogamy is really hard if you're not happy with what you have.

I'm not sure that I necessarily agree with the premise; but, if this is true, it's mostly because of testosterone. Novelty provides a sexual kick for both men and women, but for men that novelty is less of a necessity for a spontaneous interest in sex simply because they have tons more testosterone floating around in the blood stream.

[Anonymous]

So even the men who are getting regularly laid find things to complain about.

Sigh. I guess theres no point in bothering- you'll be impugned either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most women, the translation from freaky to vanilla sex is part and parcel of their overall declining interest in sex with their husbands specifically, not sex in general.

Fixed that for you. Guaranteed that all of the DWs professing their lack of interest in sex would change their tune if another man was in the picture. Monogamy is hard. Even harder for women.

I agree with you that monogamy is harder on women in that women lose their drive more often in LTRs. But then again, since men's drives stay constant, and they constantly desire novelty, and they are now married to people who lost desire, its much harder for men to stay faithful.

[Anonymous]

In your 20s you didn't have to worry about your intimate moments being filmed by a stranger and ending up online somewhere for anyone your kids included to see.


I'm 40s and still get wild in the bedroom, but what we do is for us and between us only and I'm not going to give someone a how and lose control over who might see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most women, the translation from freaky to vanilla sex is part and parcel of their overall declining interest in sex with their husbands specifically, not sex in general.

Fixed that for you. Guaranteed that all of the DWs professing their lack of interest in sex would change their tune if another man was in the picture. Monogamy is hard. Even harder for women.

Why is monogamy harder for women? If a man wrote that monogamy is harder for men this thread would be set on fire!!!! I've been monogamous for 35 years and if you have the right partner it's not that tough. Have I ever been tempted or thought about not being monogamous? Of course, I'm not dead! But why would I wreck what I have? Monogamy is really hard if you're not happy with what you have.

Let me clarify. Staying FAITHFUL is just as hard for both. But for women, staying INTERESTED in sex with the same man is more difficult. Read the endless posts here where men decry their wives' lack of interest in sex with them, while wives decry their husbands' unwanted interest in sex with them. Most DHs posting here just want their wives to WANT to have sex with them. Most wives posting here on the subject want to have as little sex with their husbands as possible. Even the ones who are genuinely trying to meet them halfway are doing the bare minimum to keep their husbands from straying due to lack of sex.

So, according to you most DH's "want their wives to WANT to have sex with them" and most "wives posting want to have as little sex with their husbands as possible". So your conclusion is that it is harder for women to be monogamous because they don't want to have sex with their husbands and that husbands still want their wives to WANT to have sex with them so for them monogamy is not as big an issue. Fascinating logic but if you are correct it makes sense.

[Anonymous]

We are late 40s and have been together over 25 years. Still having frequent and often wild sex 3-4x/week. We try new things, use different rooms in the house, make sure we each get pleasure and are satisfied. I'd say I crush on other people a fair amount but always bring that energy back to my own bedroom )and share these fantasies with DH, which helps). It can happen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most women, the translation from freaky to vanilla sex is part and parcel of their overall declining interest in sex with their husbands specifically, not sex in general.

Fixed that for you. Guaranteed that all of the DWs professing their lack of interest in sex would change their tune if another man was in the picture. Monogamy is hard. Even harder for women.

I agree with you that monogamy is harder on women in that women lose their drive more often in LTRs. But then again, since men's drives stay constant, and they constantly desire novelty, and they are now married to people who lost desire, its much harder for men to stay faithful.

I see what you did there. Clever! Sadly I think you are right though.
Even for the hot/new guy, her sexual desire is still not enough to inspire her into action.
Whereas men who are denied at home resort to extraordinary lengths to cheat.

[Anonymous]

People only do what they really enjoy and get pleasure from. Freaky may have been adventuresome and exciting but not necessarily enjoyable or fulfilling. If she really enjoys vanilla, make it the best vanilla possible. A change of location can help, a surprise time of day. Bring a can of Ready Whip to bed and tell her you are adding some whipped cream to the vanilla ice cream! Her eyes may roll but she might go for it. My DH did that to me and I initially thought he was crazy but it turned out to be fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So even the men who are getting regularly laid find things to complain about.

Sigh. I guess theres no point in bothering- you'll be impugned either way.

OP here. Re-read the OP. I'm not complaining at all. I merely wanted to know if my situation is unique or more common.

[Anonymous]

We've gotten less vanilla. We know what we like, the kids are older so we're less tired, and we've both gotten tired of the same old routine. We experiment and when we find things we both like, we add it to the mix. That's not to say every time is wild and crazy, but we do more exciting stuff now than we did in our 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So even the men who are getting regularly laid find things to complain about.

Sigh. I guess theres no point in bothering- you'll be impugned either way.

OP here. Re-read the OP. I'm not complaining at all. I merely wanted to know if my situation is unique or more common.

If you say so. Describing the past in glowing terms and saying how much you miss it tends to come across as a complaint. Especially in this context, calling your sex "vanilla" is derogatory. And then you hoped for validation. But since you got intelligent responses that let you know it's normal and healthy for mature women to have a preference for what sexually satisfies them, you sound like you're backpedaling a bit.

If it's any comfort, I'm sure your wife also misses her 20-something body, and the confidence she felt that it was hot for her to run around naked on the beach, and she misses your young body too. That's life. At least you two have a decently satisfying sex life now. Go ahead and spoil it all by longing for what you don't have, and attempt to chase some other 20-something around on the beach. That always works out well.