relationship heartbreak w kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I have younger kids so can't offer any parenting advice. But, I can say that I personally was (1) spoiled and (2) fairly depressed and angsty and miserable in late high school and early college. I hope I didn't treat my parents this way, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised if I did.

My dad yelled at me one time when I was home visiting, really laid into me, for picking up a cashmere throw that belonged to my stepmother and taking it outside to cover up while I sat on a dirty porch chair. He told me I needed to have respect for other people's things, to not assume I had access to everything, and to remember that the world didn't revolve around me. It was harsh at the time, but I still remember it and have ever since tried to act like a respectful guest now when I'm home. Point being, talk straight with your kids about what you expect and brook no dissent. They are adults now and should be acting like it. Neither you nor anyone else is their punching bag for whatever else is going on in their lives.

+1, this is awesome perspective and advice. It occurred to me, too, that the kids might have things going on in their lives that are making them angsty and miserable. Getting dumped by a girlfriend, struggling with classes, worried about future.....all possibilities for making the son especially retreat and become unpleasant. This is not an excuse for treating OP so badly, but might help her contextualize where the kids are in their lives right now and depersonalize this a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to cut off funds.

Yup. Tell them to get jobs and the bank is closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I have younger kids so can't offer any parenting advice. But, I can say that I personally was (1) spoiled and (2) fairly depressed and angsty and miserable in late high school and early college. I hope I didn't treat my parents this way, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised if I did.

My dad yelled at me one time when I was home visiting, really laid into me, for picking up a cashmere throw that belonged to my stepmother and taking it outside to cover up while I sat on a dirty porch chair. He told me I needed to have respect for other people's things, to not assume I had access to everything, and to remember that the world didn't revolve around me. It was harsh at the time, but I still remember it and have ever since tried to act like a respectful guest now when I'm home. Point being, talk straight with your kids about what you expect and brook no dissent. They are adults now and should be acting like it. Neither you nor anyone else is their punching bag for whatever else is going on in their lives.

+1, this is awesome perspective and advice. It occurred to me, too, that the kids might have things going on in their lives that are making them angsty and miserable. Getting dumped by a girlfriend, struggling with classes, worried about future.....all possibilities for making the son especially retreat and become unpleasant. This is not an excuse for treating OP so badly, but might help her contextualize where the kids are in their lives right now and depersonalize this a bit.

They are young adults. If something's going on it's still no excuse for the way they treat OP. Her son only wants to talk to her when he needs money but never says thanks. No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I have younger kids so can't offer any parenting advice. But, I can say that I personally was (1) spoiled and (2) fairly depressed and angsty and miserable in late high school and early college. I hope I didn't treat my parents this way, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised if I did.

My dad yelled at me one time when I was home visiting, really laid into me, for picking up a cashmere throw that belonged to my stepmother and taking it outside to cover up while I sat on a dirty porch chair. He told me I needed to have respect for other people's things, to not assume I had access to everything, and to remember that the world didn't revolve around me. It was harsh at the time, but I still remember it and have ever since tried to act like a respectful guest now when I'm home. Point being, talk straight with your kids about what you expect and brook no dissent. They are adults now and should be acting like it. Neither you nor anyone else is their punching bag for whatever else is going on in their lives.

+1, this is awesome perspective and advice. It occurred to me, too, that the kids might have things going on in their lives that are making them angsty and miserable. Getting dumped by a girlfriend, struggling with classes, worried about future.....all possibilities for making the son especially retreat and become unpleasant. This is not an excuse for treating OP so badly, but might help her contextualize where the kids are in their lives right now and depersonalize this a bit.

They are young adults. If something's going on it's still no excuse for the way they treat OP. Her son only wants to talk to her when he needs money but never says thanks. No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't they working? I was raised differently: you start working at 16yo and pay for your own clothes, etc.

I wouldn't threaten to cut them off unless they are nicer and more appreciative. Instead, realize that they are adults and need to start working, even if it's just for spending money. Separately, they also need to learn to be nice.

I did not work at college while I was taking full time classes. When I took part time, I did. But not full time. I couldn't have done either successfully.

15:30 pp here. I don't buy this. Maybe certain semesters if you're taking intense classes like organic chemistry or something. College jobs vary. Some are sitting at desks. I did that and did my homework. Sports center.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for all this insight. The poster that said they need to have some skin in this is so right.
I came from a pretty large family. We paid for anything that was not a necessity. I remember getting a "real" job on my 15 th birthday and being excited to start! My siblings and I paid for our own cars, insurance, clothes, entertainment,and so on. When I talk about this with my kids, my son will say "We get it mom, you had a hard life." My reply? No we didn't. Sure it was hard sometimes but it was fun too.
Anyway I think my mistake was trying to spare them some of that.
They both work in the summer. They really are good kids. I just hope I can turn this around.
Oh, and I didn't say anything to my DH about the Christmas incident or a few other things. I didn't want it to become him coming to the rescue. They would apologize and not really mean it. I want them to understand on their own.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think not mentioning this to your DH and expecting the kids to realize on their own is a little passive aggressive and martyrish. You and your DH need to be a united front on this. Reset the relationship with the kids. It is time. Your DH needs to be fully aware of your hurt and must be at your side insisting on an end to the rudeness and entitlement.

[Anonymous]

I am not trying to be martyrish at all. He isn't around enough to see this behavior.
In his family they are proud of children feeling this dependency for life. I am not.

[Anonymous]

I just froze dc's credit card for being disrespectful to us while on break. Actions have consequences.

[Anonymous]

I think you should be civil and not argumentative, but make sure you say no when they are being nice just for some money. They know whats going on, believe me.

[Anonymous]

Have they always been like this, OP? Does your husband or somebody else they are in close contact with behave this way toward you? This behavior has to come from somewhere. You could also be a little too much in their business, and after months of living far away, the adjustment is difficult on both sides.

I believe parents should continue to offer emotional and financial support, as they are able, to their adult children. Some college courses are very stressful and some students can easily become overwhelmed if they take additional responsibilities such as hobbies or jobs. A stipend is a nice way of helping while letting them control their own budget. No hand-outs.

I would not tolerate rudeness or ingratitude. I would tell them exactly what standards/expectations are in my house and in my presence. Help with cooking/laundry/clean-up/trash/groceries/etc, whatever it takes to run the house. Please and thank you, and general courtesy at all times.

[Anonymous]

They have not always been like this. They are both taking a full schedule and my son is in engineering. That is why I have been trying to be helpful to them.
I also know when kids are stressed they take it out on loved ones at home. I just feel I am setting a bad precedent right now accepting this behavior.
I don't know if my daughter said something to him, but he just came home and was very talkative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for all this insight. The poster that said they need to have some skin in this is so right.
I came from a pretty large family. We paid for anything that was not a necessity. I remember getting a "real" job on my 15 th birthday and being excited to start! My siblings and I paid for our own cars, insurance, clothes, entertainment,and so on. When I talk about this with my kids, my son will say "We get it mom, you had a hard life." My reply? No we didn't. Sure it was hard sometimes but it was fun too.
Anyway I think my mistake was trying to spare them some of that.
They both work in the summer. They really are good kids. I just hope I can turn this around.
Oh, and I didn't say anything to my DH about the Christmas incident or a few other things. I didn't want it to become him coming to the rescue. They would apologize and not really mean it. I want them to understand on their own.

There is no excuse for the behavior, but I do remember feeling stressed in college. It pervades every aspect of life...social, living situations, studying, worrying about the future. I remember going home for holidays and wanting to do nothing but eat, sleep, watch movies and maybe catch up with some high school friends.

I think as adults (because we know what real worries are) it seems like college students have it made-- but if they have demanding majors, it's a lot of work.
None of this is to rationalize their behavior...I think, in future, they need to have certain behavioral expectations laid out before they come home. It's much harder to deal with this situation when they are already home and fatigued from school or have their own ideas of how time at home is going to be.

I can't speak about the money and jobs without understanding how much their course load is and how long it takes them to study and keep up. I like the idea of giving them just enough to get by and expecting them to budget. If they want more or feel they need more, they work during the school for it or supplement it with summer income.

[Anonymous]

Sorry this happened op. I hope you can have a heart to heart talk with your children. They probably don't have a clue how insensitive they were. I remember being somewhat emotionally selfish in college. I worked and didn't get any handouts after I left the nest, but I also was not as kind to my parents as I should have been. A lot is going on in that age, hormonally and with new and stressful experiences. My parents were like the constant rocks in my life, and I think I just came to expect that without appreciating it or really even thinking of them as real people with feelings that I could hurt. I loved them like crazy, I just had no clue that my behaviors affected them at all.

I disagree with the posters who say just cut their funds off. That could be very dangerous long term for your relationship. You would want their respect whether or not you were helping them financially, that should be non negotiable, but also not contingent, if that makes sense. I like the idea of the poster who had the relatively small monthly allotment.

Hopefully working through this and not being a pushover will t have them respecting you more in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes kids at this age are a little depressed . When you live in a group setting they are forced to appear happy and energetic. It can be tiring so when they get home they finally can be in a bad mood and hibernate in their room.