relationship heartbreak w kids
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Anonymous
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OP here. My kids were not generally like this so it was shocking and very disturbing for me. I basically stopped initiating any conversation with them, but was not argumentative with them. Basically, if you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you.
My son started a seasonal job, and his attitude changed immediately. It seems he was angry because he didn't want to depend on us for money. Daughter? Upset she had no money, so i directed her to the change jar. |
Anonymous
| Op ~ move towards having a peer relationship with them. It's hard when they are still financially dependent but it helps if you establish an amount of financial help, establish the length of time, make it predictable, and then forget that issue. Aside from that - relationship issues should be moving towards being equal between you. Sounds like you are giving too much. And, also, that gives you expectations of emotional fulfillment. For example, for Christmas they probably gave you 1 gift. You should have given them 1 gift. Move towards establishing an equal relationship. Call out any rude behavior. You would not accept that from a peer. In addition, don't demand more attention or have greater emotional needs then is ordinary with a peer. |
Anonymous
| We don't expect gifts from them, never have. I hope I didn't portray that I ran dramatically from the room in tears. It wasnt like that at all. When I was able to, I left the room, went to the bathroom and cried. It really was awful and I am glad that my children have come around. |
Anonymous
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NP here. Hopefully the situation is resolved. I would just caution that you don't try to control your kids with money. I know you want your kids to feel thankful and not have to work quite as hard as you did as a child but there is something in the middle between spoiled and never had anything handed to me. They should have to live within a budget, maybe it is what they earned during the summer, maybe it is augmented with an allowance, but whatever it is it should be communicated that is the expectation and what, if any strings are attached I.e. If we are giving allowance so you don't have to work, we expect that you are using it to study and keep a minimum average. If they have a meal plan (which sometimes can be used a a grocery store on campus), classes, and books covered they should be able to decline participating in whatever activity that would require spending money they don't have if they have used up their funds. This is a skill better learned in college when they have a guaranteed roof over their head, food, and transportation (around campus) for the semester or year than the real world when none of those things are guaranteed.
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Anonymous
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Maybe you can see this as a 'growing pain' phase of your relationship with them. Kids need to rebel and resent their parents so they can 'detach' and find their independent identity. Parents in response need to detach as well.
Once you guys emerge from this rough patch you will reconnect and be able to marvel at the adults they've become and hopefully see them as such. If not, you will miss out on meeting the adults they become because you are unwilling to let go of them as your babies. It's natural to mourn the end of their childhood, but letting go is the healthiest for all involved. In summary: Cut them off. They will love you more for it in the long run. |
Anonymous
| Monthly allowance. My parents did this for me and it was great |
Anonymous
They are young adults. I have some out of undergrad and working. Still expect $ help with cars, money/allowance, etc. One gets bitchy-a girl. Asks for more...We just take the BS but are taking steps in 2017 to force financial independence. My take on the big picture? Will simply offer less to pay for major outlays in the future. ie many parents help pay for or fund all of major events like weddings. That goes down. Nickel and dime me by 20,100, here and there? There will be an impact-not to be discussed but it will happen. |
Anonymous
I posted at 12:10 before reading the quoted post. Detach is a good word and that is what I have done- not a cut-off but an overall accounting. |
Anonymous
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It's hard to tell if their bad attitude is related to the financial situation. Like you son, when I came home from breaks, I just wanted to believe alone and would become grumpy if roped into several hours of family activities chores.
However, it sounds to me like they are both very entitled and spoiled. Depositing whatever funds they request is absurd. I understand your desire to support them in college so they don't have to work like you did, but give them a set monthly allowance and STICK TO IT. |
Anonymous
What do you mean your DH isn't around and values dependency? Was he involved in raising them? Does he see any issue with their behavior? |
Anonymous
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OP, Sorry to hear that this happened and I think that your insights are good ones.
Regardless of what you choose to do about financial support for them, I think you're going to have to have a frank conversation about respectful behavior. As in it's ok to feel whatever you're feeling, but it's NOT ok to speak or act disrespectfully to me or to anyone else in this house. If you're having other issues upsetting you that would be helpful to discuss we can certainly do it, but let's not take frustrations out on people who don't deserve it. I'm probably different than other posters in that I don't necessarily think that funds should be withdrawn as retaliation. Financial agreements are of course ultimately up to you as the holder of the purse, but should have clear understandings and not be a knee jerk arrangement. |
Anonymous
| PP here with one more thought - this is a conversation that will need revisiting from time to time, especially as they are still developing as young adults and especially as they seem to be reacting a bit defensively so far from some of the replies you've written. It took awhile to get this way, but can change for the better with some time and intentional work. |
Anonymous
This is a bad thing, Op, not a good thing. |
Anonymous
| I would separate the kids' needing to appreciate the value of money, and respect for parents. You don't want to send the message that they should be nice to you because you give them money. It's a really unhealthy way to value any relationship. i would, however, talk to them about how they plan to support themselves financially once they are don't with college, have a frank discussion about budgeting, and the importance of a work ethic. Then tell them they need to find a job for 10 hours a week, as well as a summer job. They need to be able to cover their own entertainment expenses, at the very least. Then tell them what you will play for (health insurance, for ex), and what you think is reasonable for them to pay for. |
Anonymous
My friends 30 year old son is getting a Masters in Engineering, she pays him a monthly stolipend like you, half his rent and therapy bills. For all that he's a spoiled inconsiderate brat who demanded 15K from her because she owed him more support. Babying your adult children gets you nowhere |