Depressed. Should have married ex boyfriend

[Anonymous]

First, Throw yourself into getting a new job. It will help you through your depression to keep very busy. Once you have a job, focus on finding your own place. That's good that your helping your parents. Give yourself credit for that. Don't worry about relationships, you'll meet someone along the way when you're not looking. And as far as the ex boyfriend goes, if he won't take you back when you're at a low point in life, then maybe you don't want to be married to him if he is a "fairweather friend" type.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are conflating unrelated issues.

Being unemployed sucks, but you have significant savings, so it sounds like you aren't in bad shape at all. Concentrate on finding a new job.

The unemployment situation has nothing to do with the relationship situation.

If you didn't want to marry him for so long, then I think that means you didn't want to marry him. You are second-guessing yourself now because of the unemployment and the fear that you don't have a husband -- any husband -- to fall back on. That's not really a good reason to get married because half of all marriages end in divorce and usually people end up worse off financially after a divorce. You could very well have married him and then be divorcing right now and in a worse situation financially.

Ask yourself this question: If you had a job right now, a good job, would you even be thinking of him?

It's scary because you are 41 and our society is very hard on unmarried women past the age of 40. I think that's why so many women settle for men they don't really love in their 30s. Do they end up happy? I don't think so. What usually happens is they have a kid or two and then convince themselves that their child makes all of their marriage misery worth it. They just keep telling themselves that. Some of them end up divorcing and are then single and with a child or two. They still keep reinforcing the narrative that "settling was worth it."

There's a reason a lot of people rush into marriage -- women and men alike. It's because marriage is a goal, and they know the longer they are with someone, the greater the likelihood they'll see how incompatible they are. They think that somehow getting married will magically bond them.

What usually happens is that marriage makes it more complicated and more difficult (financially) to break up.

I'm not saying marriage is bad. But marriage should not be an end goal. Too many people see it that way. Marriage should be something that a person decides to do BECAUSE they feel strongly about the partnership they have -- not because they think the only way to maintain the partnership is by tethering themselves to other people legally and financially.

If your love was strong, then not getting married wouldn't have ended the relationship.

Something wasn't right with that relationship. You're regretting things now because you're scared you won't find another person. The path forward is to find a way to be happy on your own. Once you figure that out, you're more likely to meet someone with whom you are truly compatible. And neither of you will have to be persuaded to get married. You'll see it as a natural extension of the relationship/partnership you already have.

[Anonymous]

Get your FWB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are conflating unrelated issues.

Being unemployed sucks, but you have significant savings, so it sounds like you aren't in bad shape at all. Concentrate on finding a new job.

The unemployment situation has nothing to do with the relationship situation.

If you didn't want to marry him for so long, then I think that means you didn't want to marry him. You are second-guessing yourself now because of the unemployment and the fear that you don't have a husband -- any husband -- to fall back on. That's not really a good reason to get married because half of all marriages end in divorce and usually people end up worse off financially after a divorce. You could very well have married him and then be divorcing right now and in a worse situation financially.

Ask yourself this question: If you had a job right now, a good job, would you even be thinking of him?

It's scary because you are 41 and our society is very hard on unmarried women past the age of 40. I think that's why so many women settle for men they don't really love in their 30s. Do they end up happy? I don't think so. What usually happens is they have a kid or two and then convince themselves that their child makes all of their marriage misery worth it. They just keep telling themselves that. Some of them end up divorcing and are then single and with a child or two. They still keep reinforcing the narrative that "settling was worth it." Excellent!

There's a reason a lot of people rush into marriage -- women and men alike. It's because marriage is a goal, and they know the longer they are with someone, the greater the likelihood they'll see how incompatible they are. They think that somehow getting married will magically bond them.

What usually happens is that marriage makes it more complicated and more difficult (financially) to break up.

I'm not saying marriage is bad. But marriage should not be an end goal. Too many people see it that way. Marriage should be something that a person decides to do BECAUSE they feel strongly about the partnership they have -- not because they think the only way to maintain the partnership is by tethering themselves to other people legally and financially.

If your love was strong, then not getting married wouldn't have ended the relationship.

Something wasn't right with that relationship. You're regretting things now because you're scared you won't find another person. The path forward is to find a way to be happy on your own. Once you figure that out, you're more likely to meet someone with whom you are truly compatible. And neither of you will have to be persuaded to get married. You'll see it as a natural extension of the relationship/partnership you already have.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. Op here. The long post makes a lot of good points. I think the demise of the relationship was mostly his fault, but I played a role too. I just wish things had worked out.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Back to the depression. I miss him. I could have had a life with him. Now instead my life is in shambles.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'll tell you what, you sure aren't going to attract someone to grow old with when you're moping around at home, crying on your couch and pining after an old flame. Pull yourself together and be someone you'd want to date.

[Anonymous]

Instead of moping around- get to work on your resume- TODAY and start applying. Life isn't going to improve by sitting around and complaining. Don't be a martyr- your parents will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of moping around- get to work on your resume- TODAY and start applying. Life isn't going to improve by sitting around and complaining. Don't be a martyr- your parents will figure it out.

I am. I'm interviewing.

Both my parents have early to mid dementia.

[Anonymous]

OP, you didn't marry him for a reason, or a number of reasons. I know it's natural to second-guess yourself, but try not to do that.

If you got back together with him, chances are pretty good that you would break up with him again and not actually marry him. And if the only reason you stayed with him was money, that would be a pretty sh*tty thing to do, right? And if you had married him *not* for the money, you'd still be unemployed, you might be stressed/depressed about it, and you would likely let it affect your relationship. The only thing that would be different is that you wouldn't be living with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, why are you living with your parents? You have enough money for your own place. Stop moping and get on with your life. Find a job. Siting at home, sobbing, isn't going to help you.

[Anonymous]

Do your parents have money for assisted living place?

[Anonymous]

Being married doesn't make you happier than not being married. Imagine you married him and ended up more miserable than now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of moping around- get to work on your resume- TODAY and start applying. Life isn't going to improve by sitting around and complaining. Don't be a martyr- your parents will figure it out.

I am. I'm interviewing.

Both my parents have early to mid dementia.

There is nothing more depressing and stressful than dealing with aging parents with dementia. Bet pp never dealt with it because if they had, they wouldn't be so flippant. Kudos to you for stepping up.

If you had marry your boyfriend, you would be dealing with your parents + an emotionally stunted DH and probably even more miserable.

Contact adult social services about what is available in your area to help with the elderly. They will have information on respite care and assisted living facilities. Your parents are lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

I married a guy with unpredictable moods, and I regret it. It really impacts your peace of mind; the peace in your home. Hold out for someone who makes you feel good. You made the right choice.