Advice for late 20s woman- stick through or move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So quick deets:

Late 20s womAn got involved with early 30s man from Match.com. Fit a lot of my criteria early on: God fearing, educated, into family, same culture. We started dating in Jan and spoke about marriage very early. Met my parents too.

Fast forward to now: realize he's controlling, Not that affectionate, not flexible on many things, and is not at the point of wanting to get married. He's also having employment issues due to citizenship status.

I feel deep down we aren't that compatible, but Am scared of dating around too much...I just want to settle down for good.

OP-you missed some big red flags. Talking about marriage "very early" is a big one. I'll bet my paycheck that he gave off signals that he was controlling and inflexible early on. But when you're fearful that you'll end up in your 30s and not married, you start to overlook these things. If you start from a place of confidence and look for things beyond whether he's educated or from the same culture, then you can catch these things. Now it's December and you're trying to get out of this.

Move on and stop worrying about whether you'll be married 8 years from now. That just makes you desperate and fearful. People rarely make their best decisions when they're in that state of mind. Hold your expectations high for how someone treats you.

+1 to all of this
In the future if something doesn't seem right with a guy you are dating, leave rather than stay. Staying snd giving the wrong guys a chance (months and months after you've already detected an issue) is what takes up so much time.

[Anonymous]

Why Mary a foreigner

[Anonymous]

I would also say move on, but I would also advise... be flexible on some of your criteria. I lucked out and fell in love with someone amazing when I was 25 (was not looking! didn't see myself as the "marrying type") and got married at 29. I'm now 35, +1 kid and still super happy with DH. I do see some single friends/colleagues in their mid-30s who are really struggling. It seems like the pool of candidates narrows in your 30s (especially if you have a particular list of things you're looking for). Don't settle, but don't be inflexible either.

[Anonymous]

Move on, and do it soon. You're wasting both your time and his. You say he's controlling and inflexible and not affectionate? Those will only get worse with kids. Get a friend to help you stay with the decision to move on.

Chalk this up to being a learning experience. Now you know what not to date. In the future, be more picky and observe guys first as friends or as you date them and pay attention to what they are really like.

[Anonymous]

Please get away from this man. He wants to marry you to lock down citizen status and have you completely under his control. Here is another post from today that might scare you into moving on: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/604226.page

[Anonymous]

Op here. Not a Duggar, just reserved by nature. I know I'm only 27, but I want to think ahead and have my ducks in a row. I already have the degrees, income, domestic skills, etc. Just want the complete picture.

[Anonymous]

Nooo. Don't do it to yourself and definitively not your future children. You can not pick this urge to settle down over your happiness. once you are settle down, the urge disappears but the unhappiness will last for a long time. Not so easy to get out of marriage specially when you have children.
I'm mad at my mother for marrying my father. How could she not see how abusive he was. He also drunk at lot at 20.
She was in love and father was "picky about his alcohol choice". My sister and I are broken people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not a Duggar, just reserved by nature. I know I'm only 27, but I want to think ahead and have my ducks in a row. I already have the degrees, income, domestic skills, etc. Just want the complete picture.

OP, there's nothing wrong with what you want. Maybe try eHarmony, which has a basis in Christianity AND long-term relationships. You don't have to sleep with anyone to date around until you find someone who is right for you, and anyone who doesn't understand why you might want to wait isn't a person you should be marrying anyway.

[Anonymous]

Op again, I signed up e harmony yesterday so I will see how that plays out. Thanks for all the advice.

The signs were there, but I was trying to force it cause I haven't been having much success in this dating world.

[Anonymous]

Move on. Its not even a close call.

[Anonymous]

The advice I give to people in this situation is that it should be EASY at this stage. If it's hard work now, then the marriage will never work. Marriage is hard enough for most of us in good or even mediocre relationships. In the dating and engagement phase, you should really be enjoying each other's company all the time, having a lot of sex, and getting excited about the future. If any of these is not happening, end it quickly and move on. There are a lot of great, normal people in this area who are in their 30s and beyond and not married. You will find one.

[Anonymous]

You should never settle when settling down.

[Anonymous]

You do not have a list of bodies. You MAY have a list of men you've shared a meaningful and intimate relationship with, but why reduce that experience down to a body count? Is that how you'd like them to think of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again, I signed up e harmony yesterday so I will see how that plays out. Thanks for all the advice.

The signs were there, but I was trying to force it cause I haven't been having much success in this dating world.

OP, there are MUCH worse things than not having success in the dating world -- like being stuck in a terrible marriage with children and a mean, controlling husband. You sound very sweet, and I am sure there's a nice guy out there for you. It's fine to have marriage and kids on your shortlist; but DO NOT compromise on a fundamental, like a man being nice to you. How do you think that kind of guy would be like a father? Remember that you're picking out the father of your children, not someone just to marry. A certain amount of settling is ok along the way, but please please please don't settle on a man who won't be nice to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Not a Duggar, just reserved by nature. I know I'm only 27, but I want to think ahead and have my ducks in a row. I already have the degrees, income, domestic skills, etc. Just want the complete picture.

OP, there's nothing wrong with what you want. Maybe try eHarmony, which has a basis in Christianity AND long-term relationships. You don't have to sleep with anyone to date around until you find someone who is right for you, and anyone who doesn't understand why you might want to wait isn't a person you should be marrying anyway.

I was going to suggest this too. eHarmony or maybe Christian Mingle or one of the Christian sites if that's your thing. I met DW on eHarmony. I tried Match and dated some nice people, but I definitely got the impression from my own experience and from listening to the Match stories of the people I dated that there is a higher percentage of Match members just looking for sex/hookups and not really a marriage. I know that you can find those types on Match and they certainly have a huge quantity of members, but I think it will require a lot of dating to find a suitable husband and you sounds concerned about racking up too many sexual partners in the search for "the one". Maybe there are other sites out there that focus more on marriage than the ones I listed (married 7 years so have been out of the game for a while so my info may be stale)?