How open are you about IF struggles?

[Anonymous]

I told only my sister when I was going through everything. Her support was invaluable. I had two kids through treatments, so I was going through everything off and on for 5 years. I did this because it was so emotional and difficult that I didn't want a lot of people involved or asking me about it. I wasn't in a place where I could have a casual conversation and then bounce back to normal. For me, it helped a great deal to compartmentalize and just have my game face on with almost everyone in my life. And then I would call my sister and cry. Many, many times I cried.

Now that my kids are older, I'm also glad I didn't share. It's no one's business how they got here and I haven't really thought about whether I will share with them one day. I might if it comes up naturally, I guess. But I want that to be in my control. (They are biologically our kids, so that's not an issue. It would just be sharing with them that we needed help to have them.)

[Anonymous]

I shared with my mom because I thought she may have relevant medical history that I should know about and a couple of supportive friends who were great about not bringing it up unless I did. I am really glad I did not spread it more than that when we were in the thick of things because people following up on it ("are ya pregnant yet?") would have been really painful.

Now that I am pregnant, I do offer it up to people who seem to be struggling with similar issues or ask the right questions. I want to be a resource for people, to the extent that I can.

Buuut it's a fine line, because as PP said about her older kids, once she gets here, it's really not anyone's business how it came to be.

[Anonymous]

I have been more open since giving birth. I didn't have the emotional strength to deal with everyone who Just Didn't Get It when I was in the midst of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been more open since giving birth. I didn't have the emotional strength to deal with everyone who Just Didn't Get It when I was in the midst of it.

Yeah this was me before I got pregnant. I know it's hard to understand if you haven't been there, but people who don't get it don't even know or accept that they don't get it and it's just too much to deal with graciously when you're in the thick of it.

[Anonymous]

I was lucky in that I conceived my daughter on the first IVF try so I don't know if I had "struggles" per se. I am, however, very open about the fact that she's an IVF baby and mention it often in conversation, because I don't want to treat it like a shameful fact. I also want others around me going through the same thing feel like they are not alone.

[Anonymous]

I'll buck the trend here and say I was fairly open about it with people who asked. Holding that "big secret" inside was absolutely torturous and EXHAUSTING!! Plus once we told certain nosy family members (especially my IL's) it really shut them up and they stopped making little cutesy comments to us all the time.

Now that I have 1 child I'm super open about it. Now, I don't talk about the specifics of our current treatment with everybody, but I am open about the fact that we need and have needed treatments to conceive. I realized that I felt shame about admitting that in the past, and that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to be ashamed of. I have a medical condition just like anyone else would have a medical condition. It's taboo because we make it that way.

[Anonymous]

I told people as appropriate--so I actually shared with a lot of people. Now that we had a successful cycle and live birth, I tell people they are "science babies" and I am very open about it. My husband is as well, especially since we had MFI. He really wants to make it clear that it "isn't always a women" thin or age. I really appreciate it actually. My DH is also a really brave person in general (multiple times in Iraq etc). I like to be open because I want people who are struggling to know they aren't alone.

[Anonymous]

Yes I was very open if asked. I was AMA though and a lot of my friends had been down that journey.

[Anonymous]

I was pretty tight-lipped about it at first. We were k"only" MFI and never in a million years did I think we'd have as much trouble as we did. As the YEARS went by, I became less tight-lipped and started opening up to a few friends. I had ONE other infertile friend I learned about once I shared, so it helped to have someone to talk to that "got it". Years passed, bank accounts were drained, I had an early loss and a late loss. We were lucky to bring home our child 2 years ago. She was conceived through a DE cycle. I only shared that piece with my 1 infertile friend and my sister, as truly I don't think most people would get it.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to give a warning here that other PPs don't mention. Think about it this way: If the worst-case scenario happens and you are unable to get pregnant ever, at all, will you regret having told people?

I regret telling people because it looks like we aren't going to have children (complicated and part of it is choice, as in I'm done with miscarriages). But now I'll forever have to deal with people feeling sorry for me, like "oh, they weren't able to have kids."

It's far easier when people think you don't want kids and never tried. They're less inclined to treat you with pity.

Only share with people if you can handle how they'll act if you are never successful. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Our parents, SIL, and a few friends know we have to do IVF. I have mixed feelings about openly sharing this for many of the reasons already mentioned. My parents however only know that we need to do IVF, they don't know how far along in the process we are vs my in-laws and SIL know that we're on our second round. With my parents (i.e., my mom), I know she'll tell everyone or share with me how someone she knows went through this or their daughter is going through this. It's not that I don't want to hear about others going through the process b/c I do. It's the way she shares info and how she shares it that is not helpful.

I've found that with IVF and other topics, I share with people who I trust and whose response will be helpful. Earlier this year I had a significant medical issue come up and felt guilty about sharing with my in-laws but not with my parents but then realized that I wouldn't get from them what I needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious how open others are with friends, family and coworkers about your infertility struggles. I am a fairly private person and haven't said anything to anyone. Tonight I was at my book club holiday party and people were talking about kids and someone casually asked DH and I wanted to have kids. I kind of froze and basically said we aren't sure. I don't know why I said that vs a million other things.

I think the main reason I don't want to talk about it is because I don't want the sympathy and for people to constantly be wondering if I am pregnant yet or what exactly is going on.

I would recommend to be non committal and only tell people on a 'need to know' or people you are very close to - and even among those people, I found many people who have not experienced infertility issues are clueless in their reactions and very judgmental (you never really know what you will or won't do until you don't have other options, so easy for others to 'judge') or they bring it up casually or regularly, which is often just making conversation to them (and they have no idea 'how' to talk about it in sensitive ways) when it's very big to you. So, like, 'we're figuring it out' type comments. No one else is really that invested in it other than your family and friends who are looking for people on the same path/timing for friends-with-kids.

I was never able to have children in a 'normal' way - and still get 'judged' for going to extremes to have kids even now that my kids are well into elementary schools by some when it comes up.

The only people I ever really 'bond' with on the issue are those who have had some major loss(es) also -- and some of that is at an unspoken level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious how open others are with friends, family and coworkers about your infertility struggles. I am a fairly private person and haven't said anything to anyone. Tonight I was at my book club holiday party and people were talking about kids and someone casually asked DH and I wanted to have kids. I kind of froze and basically said we aren't sure. I don't know why I said that vs a million other things.

I think the main reason I don't want to talk about it is because I don't want the sympathy and for people to constantly be wondering if I am pregnant yet or what exactly is going on.

I would recommend to be non committal and only tell people on a 'need to know' or people you are very close to - and even among those people, I found many people who have not experienced infertility issues are clueless in their reactions and very judgmental (you never really know what you will or won't do until you don't have other options, so easy for others to 'judge') or they bring it up casually or regularly, which is often just making conversation to them (and they have no idea 'how' to talk about it in sensitive ways) when it's very big to you. So, like, 'we're figuring it out' type comments. No one else is really that invested in it other than your family and friends who are looking for people on the same path/timing for friends-with-kids.

I was never able to have children in a 'normal' way - and still get 'judged' for going to extremes to have kids even now that my kids are well into elementary schools by some when it comes up.

The only people I ever really 'bond' with on the issue are those who have had some major loss(es) also -- and some of that is at an unspoken level.

OP - I think, in general, if you have to ask this question, you probably are not a good candidate for sharing.

I can't keep a secret, so I told many people about what I was going through. I wasn't open to the degree of "see my embryo photo on FB" but people who were in my life on a regular basis (colleagues, friends, family) all knew. It worked for me because of my inability to hold things in and because I wanted people to tread carefully on the "kids" topic. Unlike the PP, I found almost everyone to be very accepting and not judgmental in the slightest. But a lot of that may depend on your social circle and how common infertility is amongst people you see daily. About a third to half my female colleagues had to go through and quite a few girlfriends from outside work.

[Anonymous]

OP, when we were struggling and I got asked that I'd always say "oh yes we'd love to have children one day". Because it was true and also non-commital. We did want kids. We just weren't sure when it'd happen. Most people aren't being rude, they are just making conversation. If someone follows up your response with something like "don't wait too long!" You can just say "oh did you have problems?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only discussed it with people who also had experience of IF. Most other people do not have a great deal to contribute to the discussion, I find.

+1