How open are you about IF struggles?

[Anonymous]

Just curious how open others are with friends, family and coworkers about your infertility struggles. I am a fairly private person and haven't said anything to anyone. Tonight I was at my book club holiday party and people were talking about kids and someone casually asked DH and I wanted to have kids. I kind of froze and basically said we aren't sure. I don't know why I said that vs a million other things.

I think the main reason I don't want to talk about it is because I don't want the sympathy and for people to constantly be wondering if I am pregnant yet or what exactly is going on.

[Anonymous]

No, just our parents. There are too many ups and downs that I feel like bringing someone else into it would only add pressure...even if they were not meaning to apply any. We have 1 kid so I guess that helps us avoid some queries but we still get them. I just say "maybe" and end it at that when they ask whether we will have a second.

[Anonymous]

I struggled for four years, and told no one. It was better that way because I am not the type of person that likes to deal with things waving banners and with a huge entourage of support. On the other hand, it was pretty lonely for both me and my husband to deal with on our own.

Interestingly enough, now that I have two kids (thank you, God & Science) I am pretty much open about the fact that "it took us a while" and "we tried everything" but no one really asks for further details.

[Anonymous]

I told no one, except my best friend, who cheer leaded me through 2+ years of treatments. I have a 3-mo old now, and since he has been born, I selectively tell people how he happened. You do not owe anyone an answer. Not at all. In fact you know it is rude that they ask, if well meaning. You are in control of this information, whatever it may be.

[Anonymous]

I only discussed it with people who also had experience of IF. Most other people do not have a great deal to contribute to the discussion, I find.

[Anonymous]

I had multiple losses and I only shared with a few close friends, my mom and my sister. That ended up being a mistake because something that was so painful and private ended up being shared by my sister with several of her in-laws. After I had my first (finally) I received many comments by them at a family function about how happy they were that I was finally able to stay pregnant. Talk about a shocker. I am very careful what I share with my sister now and won't tell her anything I can't handle being repeated. So yeah it kind of ruined our relationship. I have much less respect for her and our trust is definitely not what it was.

[Anonymous]

I was open with my family, close friends (5 people) and a co-worker (only 2 of us in the office, very hard to hide appts and he would cover for me when I needed to miss work). My family was pretty hands off and not too nosey. Many of my friends had done ART. The ones who hadn't, I did have to teach them about all the jargon and steps involved. But they were the best support system.

The co-worker-I did have to teach him what to say it not say. "Don't ask if I'm pregnant. I'll let you know if I am (or am not)" "It's not really a great idea to push adoption. I'm aware of our options. Adoption is not something we want to do at this time" But he is a straight forward guy and we were relatively close due the small office.

[Anonymous]

I would not tell anyone irl except my mom. Don't want people putting me and/or repeatedly asking if I'm pregnant yet. Thank god for anonymous Internet forums and blogs!

[Anonymous]

Never told anyone. When we got pregnant people said they were surprised because they thought we didn't like kids and would rather travel. All of which made me sad that they thought that. Kids were always our dream.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you choose to share about your journey, I found it helpful to practice a few responses out loud so I wouldn't freeze or feel anxious. It's especially good to formulate your "talking points" now ahead of time as the holiday season brings lots of social gatherings.

[Anonymous]

I only told one very close friend who also went though IVF herself.

My main reason was that I did not want to have to answer questions, explain decisions, or feel like people were holding their breath waiting for my big news. I knew my mother would not be able to relax knowing I was facing infertility, so I did not tell her.

I am eight months along now and think I might tell some people, or at least my parents and sister, that I did IVF, but I will wait until after the baby is born and then decide. This is my second and my last.

[Anonymous]

Didn't tell anyone for a long time. Then told my mom but without any details, she doesn't know what treatments I am going through, etc. Also told a very old friend, and instantly regretted it. She started going off about some psychobabble, basically saying that it's all in our heads and that I need a shrink to deal with it. Um, no thanks.

[Anonymous]

I have been very open about IVF with my friends and family because (unfortunately) it's such a huge part of my life.

It's taken a tremendous about of time, money and emotions to travel this path, and not talking about it would feel like a giant omission -- almost like I was inserting an emotional gap between myself and my loved ones.

When I tell people about IVF, I am not looking for sympathy. It's more like I'm sharing the information so that they know what's truly going on in my life.

For people who I really care about and who care about me, there's no way that they could understand what my life is really like (the daily shots, blood draws, disappointments, etc.) unless they know that I am undergoing IVF.

[Anonymous]

I am open with friends. My family is not so supportive and tends to make fun, criticize and gossip...so not I interested in sharing with them. Jealous of my friends who have support.

[Anonymous]

Only my parents and best friend (who is also having trouble) know. I let two of my SILs and two of my coworkers know that we're struggling but that's it. After our first IVF cycle was a total bust (8 out of 9 embryos arrested by day 5 despite being 30 years old and only dealing with mild MFI), I was glad we kept most the details to ourselves. I kind of wish we kept even more to ourselves though. Being completely devastated and having to share this news, explain what it means, and answer every single one of their questions sent me into quite a panic.