Can't go backward

[Anonymous]

OP - just how far did this go before she had this "come to Jesus" moment? Some line must have been crossed.

That said, what have you done to go backward? Adopt a more casual, non-flirty tone? Or do you still give her that look (or can't help check out her body).

[Anonymous]

OP here...It was never physical, but it got serious enough through many conversations that we admitted we'd choose each other over our spouses if we had to choose over again. Easy statements to make in the fog of infatuation, I know. She wrote a lengthy letter explaining how great a husband for her and father for her kids she thought I would be. At one point, she asked directly if I would leave my wife over this. I really had to think about it, but I said I couldn't without getting to know her much better, and there's no way we could ever do that under the circumstances. So we've had this great heart/mind/soul connection, allegedly on many levels, but the days that I don't see her at work are easier on my psyche than the ones when she stops by for superficial conversations. Yes, I am totally in control of my actions and I can be as pleasant as I need to be in our exchanges, but it feels much more like faking it 'til I make it.

[Anonymous]

I feel or you OP. I am probably the last person on earth people would suspect would have something similar happen to them. I always thought that people who cheated or even came close to cheating were the scum of the earth, until I started having feelings for a co-worker. I didn't act on it, and didn't get quite as far down the conversation road as you, but I could see how it happens. We are human. Our relationships with our spouses ebb and flow, and quite frankly, sometimes the thought of never having the butterflies again feels quite depressing, so when you have that feeling, you want to hold on to it. I wish you much luck - I hope you can stay strong and get the friendship back to a healthy spot.

[Anonymous]

OP - Maybe a couple of visits with a therapist would help you to better understand where you are in your marriage, career and life in general that you needed such a close friendship or that the grass looked greener on the other side. It might be helpful to both you and your marriage if you took some time to look at things in a trusted place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here...It was never physical, but it got serious enough through many conversations that we admitted we'd choose each other over our spouses if we had to choose over again. Easy statements to make in the fog of infatuation, I know. She wrote a lengthy letter explaining how great a husband for her and father for her kids she thought I would be. At one point, she asked directly if I would leave my wife over this. I really had to think about it, but I said I couldn't without getting to know her much better, and there's no way we could ever do that under the circumstances. So we've had this great heart/mind/soul connection, allegedly on many levels, but the days that I don't see her at work are easier on my psyche than the ones when she stops by for superficial conversations. Yes, I am totally in control of my actions and I can be as pleasant as I need to be in our exchanges, but it feels much more like faking it 'til I make it.

Thanks for your honesty, OP. But I would be absolutely devastated if I ever heard my spouse talking about another this way. A strictly sexual one-night stand would be easier to take than this love you developed with your co-worker. Just how long did it take for you to fall in love with her? Though you probably get an ego boost knowing this 9/10 sexy woman wanted you so badly that she'd want you to leave your wife without even a kiss between the two of you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a 8-9 woman that has a relationship with a married co-worker. Don't go there, it's impossible to leave. Since you work together and see each other every day, you will keep going in circles. She will regret and break it off and then will come back to you, and then it will repeat again.

[Anonymous]

Wait, so you told her you wouldn't leave your wife and then she had the come to Jesus decision? So really, you're the one who dialed things back. Or at least, you set it in motion. I'm not sure if that matters to you, but it's a different way of looking at things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel or you OP. I am probably the last person on earth people would suspect would have something similar happen to them. I always thought that people who cheated or even came close to cheating were the scum of the earth, until I started having feelings for a co-worker. I didn't act on it, and didn't get quite as far down the conversation road as you, but I could see how it happens. We are human. Our relationships with our spouses ebb and flow, and quite frankly, sometimes the thought of never having the butterflies again feels quite depressing, so when you have that feeling, you want to hold on to it. I wish you much luck - I hope you can stay strong and get the friendship back to a healthy spot.

New poster here and can also completely relate to this. Almost wish there was a group counseling support group for it!

[Anonymous]

OP here...Yes, technically I did the initial rejection, although I've really tried to look at it like there's been no rejection on either side. We're incredibly compatible, but just happen to be married to other people, with whom we are also compatible. All that compatibility should be the basis for a great platonic friendship - we even agreed we could be each other's best friend for life, right? But it doesn't seem to work that way once the romantic potential is removed. I was better at "compartmentalizing" the two relationships so some semblance of our romantic connection could continue (she couldn't do it - said I consumed too much of her thoughts at home and generated too much guilt). She's better at shutting down the romantic side and ignoring (moving on from?) where we've been. I know she's right - energy that belonged in our marriages was being redirected where it had no business being. I also know this is an incredibly selfish problem that's not worthy of much sympathy. I appreciate the supportive comments from those who have been there, and the tough love ones as well.

[Anonymous]

If you're proclaimed soul mates you should make love.

[Anonymous]

How long have these feelings been going on? Infatuation lasts typically three months to two years. It does get better, but you have to wait it out. I have a guy like this in my life and I'm at the stage now where I really do see him more as a friend and would rather do friend things than anyone else.

Also, compartmentalization is not good. It protects you from guilt but splits up your psyche in a way that is stressful. I do this too, and after years I'm exhausted from the feeling of having so many secrets, and not being able to tell anyone all of the truth. Except a therapist, which is why therapy might be helpful, just to be able to talk to someone about what's going on.

I think you just have to wait for time to pass and hope the feelings fade. She's actually very wise, recognizing that you're diverting energy from your marriages, and not wanting to engage in an affair. They are painful things, affairs. No one ever talks about their happy, fulfilling affair, right? Too much secrecy and lies for that.

[Anonymous]

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. Having a pretty sex-bomb coworker make it clear she wants you would scare the hell out of any married man, especially if you sensed a heartfelt connection (assuming your heart is still above your waist at this point). Give it time. If there was any truth to the basis for your connection, the awkwardness will fade. If not, you have your proof that it was all just superficial infatuation after all.

[Anonymous]

Went through something similar. Dialed it back and it's been casual/friendly with just a few texts in the recent past.

Thing is, now this person is reaching out to my spouse (invites to drinks or ball games). It's a bit strange but sign that things are going backward.

So how would you feel if your co-worker wanted to start hanging with your wife?