Help me set boundaries (another MIL thread)

[Anonymous]

OP. You did it once, you can do it again. Your MIL is not going to provide childcare. Line up a nanny or day care and that's the way it is. Don't argue, don't let her guilt you over it. Set your own limit. Once a month visits? Set aside a weekend, or an event, and invite them. The rest of the month, you are booked with work, child activities, etc. Tell them you are busy. Lie if you have to. Get your DH on board with this. Unfortunately, you may have to shut out some other relatives as well, limiting them to once a month visits, especially if they talk amongst themselves, but that's a small price to pay for your peace of mind. Stay strong, OP. You can do it!! 1.5 hours is far enough away that they won't be popping in every day on the spur of the moment. Tell them in no uncertain terms that they cannot just drop in!! Do not make exceptions and do not give in. If they stop in, tell them you are busy, did not plan for their visit, and then ignore them. Don't feed them dinner, don't include them in whatever you are doing. Ignore them until they leave. It's tough, but you have to be rude to people who are stepping over the proper boundaries. Best of luck to you, OP. Good luck finding a new job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But there won't necessarily be two salaries. She'll be giving up her job for the move. Who knows how long it will take to find a job there, and whether it will be any good. She said his salary will be low.

I think there's a ton of underlying sexism that makes people think it sensible for a woman to give up a good-paying job that she likes, give up her friends and local family, and go live somewhere near highly problematic in-laws on less money, just because her husband got a job offer and she has to be the "supportive spouse."

This woman IS a total badass, having a newborn while supporting her family, finishing a PhD, and being there for her clinically depressed husband. She's already a supportive spouse.

I foresee that if they move, MIL will be there, badgering her again to dress traditionally, cook more, and be that traditional wife, and spend every spare minute at family functions, and she'll be without her friends, family, job, academic colleagues. And her husband will very likely see his family's side as being right. Recipe for disaster.

I agree OP is a total badass. I disagree that a badass is alone and helpless in the face of badgering in-laws or unable to find a way through a temporarily tough situation.

I don't think people realize how much they undermine themselves by believing there are only two positions of strength: fight or flight. The real strength comes from knowing when those are the only options left. The OP is far from that point.

A 90 minute drive is just long enough to be inconvenient, which is pretty helpful for setting boundaries. She didn't say she's incapable of setting them, she just needs pointers. Calling it a disaster isn't helpful.

[Anonymous]

Guys. Thank you. I really needed to hear this.

I agree it's a horrible move. DH was motivated by it because he questions why he moved to DC in the first place. He was tied politically in the midwest, and he can jump right back into the world after 8 years with this opportunity. Although I do see the argument about how sexist it is to move and be the supportive spouse. I'm also tired of carrying it all. I'm also tired of a husband who can't find happiness in DC. Hopefully I should find something by the end of the year and move soon.

Thanks for all the helpful feedback about dealing with my ILs. I really appreciated it guys.

[Anonymous]

Being supportive is NEVER sexist. Both genders in a spousal relationship have to do it.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. Let us know how it goes. You sound pretty amazing, and your husband is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I admire you for doing this for your DH. Is the area you are moving to somewhat diverse? I found that men have harder time adapting when moving, I speak from experience, moved many times and always made friends and life but DH is lost without his job wherever we go. I hope that you will find the move a nice change from the fast pace and non stop work here. When kids get older it gets crazier here in DC. I think if you can buy a nice place there(hopefully for much cheaper than here), find easy going people, your ILS might in the end be a welcome help here and there. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I think the key to maintaining your boundaries after the move will be your ability to contribute substantially to the household income. I would not move without a firm job offer. You have been able maintain boundaries with his family and be a badass because you are the primary breadwinner and the distance from his family. Lose one or both and it will be much harder, given your personality. I speak from experience as someone with a similar personality who left behind her job, local connections and family to move closer to her spouse's family for his career. I feel outnumbered constantly and was only able to regain my inner badass when DH had several medical crises. I too was exhausted and realized that I needed to establish boundaries with my in-laws since they weren't being hands-on in providing care or financial assistance. It sounds like your in-laws will there to provide that help. Can you stand up to them if you are relying on their assistance or will you have to let yourself be pushed over again in areas where you are now independent? I don't envy your choices, OP.