Help me set boundaries (another MIL thread)
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Anonymous
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I admit, I've been a pushover when it comes to my inlaws. We're south asians, and I've grown up learning I need to appease grown ups. Its been a struggle to find my own voice when it comes to my inlaws. My MIL was just so so excited to have a girl in the family, that she insisted I wear certain things, flood myself in jewelry, etc. I hated all of it.
Since then we've had a child, my husband lost his job, and I was the sole breadwinner with a newborn and was finishing up my PhD. That year made me feel like a badass. I went through tons of adversity, and was able to overcome them, mainly by myself (my DH was in a bad place, and was clinically depressed). I was able to stand up to my in laws and say no to things (mainly because we were poor, and I was exhausted by our life). After two years of living that, my DH found a job back in the midwest and we've decided to move out of DC. We'll be 1.5 hours away from my MIL. And I'm so so scared that we'll back to our relationship we once had when I first got married. Our weekends will be tied up with family stuff (DH has a HUGE extended family, ALL in the midwest), she'll be over all the time, I know that she'll insist she takes care of DS rather than him go to daycare. I need help. Tell me what boundaries are appropriate. How often should we visit them, how often can they come by. They both retired too early, and are really bored, so they're just so excited about this move. |
Anonymous
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Read the book Boundaries. |
Anonymous
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An hour and a half away is way too far for her to provide childcare. That's an easy no.
You need to talk with DH about all this--tell him that you want time as a family, that you want to limit family events to, say, two weekend days a month (or what seems good to you). Practice, or even try therapy, saying "no." "No, that won't work for us." "Hmm, we'll think about that." "That's not what our pediatrician recommends." "We can't get together then, but we'll see you at x event in a couple weeks." Etc, etc, etc. And establish early, no drop-ins and no key. Have a spare she can use if she's there babysitting, but it stays at your house. If she drops by, say, "Oh, this isn't a good time," and send her home. At 90 minutes away, I would hope that wouldn't happen. Is there any sympathetic family member out there in the Midwest, say another IL in your generation who might be able to give you some perspective on the dynamic and frequency of gatherings? |
Anonymous
| I have a mom who has no boundaries. Luckily, she is in Europe. I think you should look at this move as a good thing, to escape the crazy pace and high cost of living here. Can you buy a nicer place there, have less stress? Will you be working? If you aren't working, they might think it is perfectly ok for you to drive back and forth to them on a daily basis, yes, I speak from experience. So, what I recommend is something maybe a bit childish, but it works. Don't pick up when they call. Let you DH talk to them, hopefully he won't be as involved and he will be working. So just, don't answer, and then make it on your terms when you call them. |
Anonymous
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I really like all of Harriet Lerner's books.
I'd start with the big ones - like a definite NO to daycare. (How would she even provide daycare at 1.5 hours away? She would have to move in with you ...) Out of all the things to establish boundaries on, your child's care and education is #1. For the weekends, you have to be proactive. Set up activities that can't be moved, even if it's "Hang around the house and do nothing." Put it on the calendar. Then tell your DH to work around those if he wants to plan family activities. |
Anonymous
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OP, you've got strength in the backbone you've built up so count on that instead of focusing on the weakness that could undermine it. You're a different person than you were when you first got married, so waste no time worrying about what happened back then and you'll find you're better equipped to just face forward.
Both my husband's parents were dead before I met him and his large, extended family is close enough to see on occasion but still too far to be of help. I envy young parents who have this essential resource, so maybe there are opportunities in this move you're not seeing yet. Find your allies - the ones that exist within your family and new ones to be made - by establishing trust along with the boundaries you're setting. If there's one thing you don't have time for, it's the two-way second guessing that happens based on DIStrust. Move the boundaries closer in once you know where the trust lies. Your MIL may not be able to handle the new you, but you can definitely set boundaries that still allow her to be a part of your lives. Find your own childcare, but look for ways she can help. Establish yourself as decionmaker, but call on her to take care of grandkid while you get weekend errands done or have a date night. Give her a role in celebrations. Ask her advice (you don't have to take it) on something she's managed well. If you have no idea what that might be, use every opportunity to get to know her better and look for the positives. Allow her to get to know YOU better so she has a better grasp of what your boundaries are and just what things you can and will manage on your own. But these are your boundaries that you're setting, so don't rely on your husband to stand as gatekeeper. That's just more opportunity for miscommunication and hurt feelings. You're outnumbered in an established family unit, and you don't want your in laws to see you as shut off. That doesn't mean you have to accept whatever mistreatment they throw at you, it just means you have to show them they've only got a very limited number of times they can make that mistake. Those are the times when you can fall back on your allies and push your boundaries further out, if necessary. |
Anonymous
| Also try to see the positives of this. Your child will now have better access to a family network. That can be a very good thing. You have been busting your butt for years for your family. Perhaps now you can take some time for yourself - all the things that were on hold while you had so little time and money. Take advantage of it. But also make it clear to your husband that carving out time for your immediate family only is a necessity and you expect him to help you on that. |
Anonymous
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OP here--thanks all for your helpful suggestions.
I'm actually staying back in DC with my son until I find a job. Unfortunately his new job makes less than half of what I currently make, and it doesn't make sense for me to make the move unless I have something lined up. It kind of sucks that I still have to hustle, and be around his family rather than mine to lean on. But your suggestions have definitely been helpful! |
Anonymous
| This move sounds like it has absolutely zero benefits for you, OP. I wouldn't want to move close to boundary-free in-laws and lose my good job, if I were you. |
Anonymous
I'm completely with you on this. But I've had a husband who has essentially worked for free in a town saturated with lawyers. If I don't give in to this one opportunity, where they truly seem to want him (albeit with a crappy salary), then I won't be the supportive spouse I'm suppose to be. |
Anonymous
Uh, no, you will be the practical spouse looking out for your family! Two households, indefinite single parenting--ugh and no way! |
Anonymous
Stall as long as you can. If the job doesn't work out, you'll be forced to rely on his family. |
Anonymous
I disagree, completely. OP's been struggling to carry the family for two years, during the time that every parent knows is the most challenging. She knows they need two salaries to survive and her husband's wellbeing as a contributor is essential. Every marriage has setbacks and places on the path where one spouse has to take the leadership position. Believe it or not, this is OP's. Her husband is the one who needs the most support right now. I don't think there's anything wrong with a contingency to make the move temporary, but there isn't enough information to decide at this point whether or not there's benefit to it. |
Anonymous
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But there won't necessarily be two salaries. She'll be giving up her job for the move. Who knows how long it will take to find a job there, and whether it will be any good. She said his salary will be low.
I think there's a ton of underlying sexism that makes people think it sensible for a woman to give up a good-paying job that she likes, give up her friends and local family, and go live somewhere near highly problematic in-laws on less money, just because her husband got a job offer and she has to be the "supportive spouse." This woman IS a total badass, having a newborn while supporting her family, finishing a PhD, and being there for her clinically depressed husband. She's already a supportive spouse. I foresee that if they move, MIL will be there, badgering her again to dress traditionally, cook more, and be that traditional wife, and spend every spare minute at family functions, and she'll be without her friends, family, job, academic colleagues. And her husband will very likely see his family's side as being right. Recipe for disaster. |
Anonymous
This is about right. I find it hard to believe that the husband could find a job in the Midwest but could not find it here (Metro DC). Local job market is much better. He may have deliberately targeted that location and maybe his family connections helped with the job. Which may be all part of the plan to keep the ambitious DIL in line. |