I've stopped caring but after a blowup should I just walk away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why were you late? Did you call? Sounds like he had good reasons to be angry.

Getting home at 1030pm with no announcement and coming home to a kid who refuses to eat because NO MOMMY, and another kid who's taking advantage by staying up reading/watching TV .. yeah you've got a right to be pissed.

630pm is within the realm of reasonable times home if you work a traditional 8-5. I can see being annoyed if you made dinner and have to re-heat it, but to the point of throwing shit around, screaming for an hour-plus, and the other things OP describes? Heck no.

Maybe, just maybe, he might get a slight pass if she rolled in at 1am and hadn't even bothered to call and was rude to the basic question, "Hey what happened?", but 630pm? Give me a break.

(assuming you're serious and not a troll or MRA who essentially serves the same purpose.)

[Anonymous]

If he does something like that again, you need to call the police. Breaking objects can quickly escalate to hurting people.

I'd also start planning on leaving. Do you have family you could stay with? This man is abusive and it could very easily turn into physical abuse.

Also, call the domestic abuse hotline.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. What a FDB your Dh is. I was in very similar situation, and like other PPs stated, he would say all guys are like this,etc.
I did the 180. There is a thread on here recently that is talking about the same thing. I would never have believed it could work. I Started 3 years ago. It is the biggest miracle worker!

[Anonymous]

Op - my father was like your husband. Would at times come home and blow up over nothing and then scream at us and our mother. Break things. Tell us that he wanted to leave or die b/c he was miserable. And not just a one-time thing. Multiple times. To the point that we would all cringe when we heard the garage door opening at night b/c we didn't know whether "good" or "evil" side of him would enter the house.

Siblings and I have NEVER forgotten any of those episodes. And despite that the fact parents stayed together, it forever colored how we viewed him, even after his retirement when he mellowed out considerably. Now that he's gone, those memories still live on. Unfortunately.

Food for thought. My sympathies, OP.

[Anonymous]

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE 24/7 for advice, or go to thehotline.org. They have lots of info on the website.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he does something like that again, you need to call the police. Breaking objects can quickly escalate to hurting people.

I'd also start planning on leaving. Do you have family you could stay with? This man is abusive and it could very easily turn into physical abuse.

Also, call the domestic abuse hotline.

+1 This is abuse OP. This kind of behavior is completely unacceptable. He is not a "great dad" - he's an asshole and that's what your kid is learning. No matter what you did wrong, he should be handling it like a mature, emotionally healthy adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why were you late? Did you call? Sounds like he had good reasons to be angry.

Is it me, or are these kind of mean and utterly ridiculous comments becoming more frequent on dcum? I've been here for about 10 years. It now seems like this bullshit is in every single thread. What the hell is wrong with people?

I noticed there is one really angry dude who comments on everything with really negative comments about women.

There are a lot of guys out there like that. Who do you think is voting for Donald?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he won't go to therapy you should go to help sort out next steps.

My guess would be that therapy enlightens him as to how this is not a life that suits him. Perhaps he should have gone pre marriage and kids while being a dual working couple with no help. Be prepared for that,
Not everyone can handle that or even less than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - my father was like your husband. Would at times come home and blow up over nothing and then scream at us and our mother. Break things. Tell us that he wanted to leave or die b/c he was miserable. And not just a one-time thing. Multiple times. To the point that we would all cringe when we heard the garage door opening at night b/c we didn't know whether "good" or "evil" side of him would enter the house.

Siblings and I have NEVER forgotten any of those episodes. And despite that the fact parents stayed together, it forever colored how we viewed him, even after his retirement when he mellowed out considerably. Now that he's gone, those memories still live on. Unfortunately.

Food for thought. My sympathies, OP.

As an adult you should at least have some compassion for him sticking around and supporting all of you which is more than some relatives we've had have done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - my father was like your husband. Would at times come home and blow up over nothing and then scream at us and our mother. Break things. Tell us that he wanted to leave or die b/c he was miserable. And not just a one-time thing. Multiple times. To the point that we would all cringe when we heard the garage door opening at night b/c we didn't know whether "good" or "evil" side of him would enter the house.

Siblings and I have NEVER forgotten any of those episodes. And despite that the fact parents stayed together, it forever colored how we viewed him, even after his retirement when he mellowed out considerably. Now that he's gone, those memories still live on. Unfortunately.

Food for thought. My sympathies, OP.

Same here although my dad is still alive. He can't understand why none of us are close to him but those memories of his rages when we were young are never going away. My husbands and BILs all have a hard time reconciling the man dad is now with the man their wives grew up with but every once in a while the rage resurfaces and they get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - my father was like your husband. Would at times come home and blow up over nothing and then scream at us and our mother. Break things. Tell us that he wanted to leave or die b/c he was miserable. And not just a one-time thing. Multiple times. To the point that we would all cringe when we heard the garage door opening at night b/c we didn't know whether "good" or "evil" side of him would enter the house.

Siblings and I have NEVER forgotten any of those episodes. And despite that the fact parents stayed together, it forever colored how we viewed him, even after his retirement when he mellowed out considerably. Now that he's gone, those memories still live on. Unfortunately.

Food for thought. My sympathies, OP.

As an adult you should at least have some compassion for him sticking around and supporting all of you which is more than some relatives we've had have done.

Uh....no. "Sticking around" doesn't excuse abuse. Money doesn't excuse abuse. Saying "at least I support you" is a common abuse tactic to get the victim to stay.

Most kids in that situation would prefer the abuser to bail, even if it means being poor.

[Anonymous]

Good lord. OK first question, if your son in law did that to your daughter and grandkids, what would you tell her to do? I would not want my daughter living with someone who behaves like he did.

At the very least you have to relieve some pressure at home. Get an after school nanny. I got one by advertising at the local high school.

Too bad he won't consider therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you an your husband need to discuss this. It's ultimatum time. This cannot be tolerated.

+1. Same boat you're in, and I'm sorry for you. It's a tough thing to have to deal with. I had to deliver an ultimatum, my DH is on medication now and it helped A LOT for his anger. He's slightly lethargic but I still find that far preferable.

Honestly I think middle aged men ARE angry. I don't know what is up with that but I hear about it all the time here and in my own circles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - my father was like your husband. Would at times come home and blow up over nothing and then scream at us and our mother. Break things. Tell us that he wanted to leave or die b/c he was miserable. And not just a one-time thing. Multiple times. To the point that we would all cringe when we heard the garage door opening at night b/c we didn't know whether "good" or "evil" side of him would enter the house.

Siblings and I have NEVER forgotten any of those episodes. And despite that the fact parents stayed together, it forever colored how we viewed him, even after his retirement when he mellowed out considerably. Now that he's gone, those memories still live on. Unfortunately.

Food for thought. My sympathies, OP.

As an adult you should at least have some compassion for him sticking around and supporting all of you which is more than some relatives we've had have done.

Uh....no. "Sticking around" doesn't excuse abuse. Money doesn't excuse abuse. Saying "at least I support you" is a common abuse tactic to get the victim to stay.

Most kids in that situation would prefer the abuser to bail, even if it means being poor.

+1000. It's such a common thing for abusers and people who've never experienced this kind of behavior to stay. "Oh at least I/they stuck around, oh at least I/they paid the bills" (although in my dad's case, he didn't pay the bills, my mom did, he blew his paycheck plus some on fun stuff for himself). 100% would have been easier on everyone (and more financially stable) had my dad left and my parents gotten divorced. And we'd likely have a better relationship now that he's mellowed in his old age as I wouldn't have so many awful memories of him terrorizing all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - my father was like your husband. Would at times come home and blow up over nothing and then scream at us and our mother. Break things. Tell us that he wanted to leave or die b/c he was miserable. And not just a one-time thing. Multiple times. To the point that we would all cringe when we heard the garage door opening at night b/c we didn't know whether "good" or "evil" side of him would enter the house.

Siblings and I have NEVER forgotten any of those episodes. And despite that the fact parents stayed together, it forever colored how we viewed him, even after his retirement when he mellowed out considerably. Now that he's gone, those memories still live on. Unfortunately.

Food for thought. My sympathies, OP.

As an adult you should at least have some compassion for him sticking around and supporting all of you which is more than some relatives we've had have done.

Uh....no. "Sticking around" doesn't excuse abuse. Money doesn't excuse abuse. Saying "at least I support you" is a common abuse tactic to get the victim to stay.

Most kids in that situation would prefer the abuser to bail, even if it means being poor.

+1000. It's such a common thing for abusers and people who've never experienced this kind of behavior to stay. "Oh at least I/they stuck around, oh at least I/they paid the bills" (although in my dad's case, he didn't pay the bills, my mom did, he blew his paycheck plus some on fun stuff for himself). 100% would have been easier on everyone (and more financially stable) had my dad left and my parents gotten divorced. And we'd likely have a better relationship now that he's mellowed in his old age as I wouldn't have so many awful memories of him terrorizing all of us.

It's because most of us don't want to leave our children to defend for themselves with these assholes every other weekend or whatever custody arrangement they get. So, yeah we stick it out so that we can at least shelter our kids from it somewhat.