I've stopped caring but after a blowup should I just walk away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - my father was like your husband. Would at times come home and blow up over nothing and then scream at us and our mother. Break things. Tell us that he wanted to leave or die b/c he was miserable. And not just a one-time thing. Multiple times. To the point that we would all cringe when we heard the garage door opening at night b/c we didn't know whether "good" or "evil" side of him would enter the house.

Siblings and I have NEVER forgotten any of those episodes. And despite that the fact parents stayed together, it forever colored how we viewed him, even after his retirement when he mellowed out considerably. Now that he's gone, those memories still live on. Unfortunately.

Food for thought. My sympathies, OP.

As an adult you should at least have some compassion for him sticking around and supporting all of you which is more than some relatives we've had have done.

Uh....no. "Sticking around" doesn't excuse abuse. Money doesn't excuse abuse. Saying "at least I support you" is a common abuse tactic to get the victim to stay.

Most kids in that situation would prefer the abuser to bail, even if it means being poor.

+1000. It's such a common thing for abusers and people who've never experienced this kind of behavior to stay. "Oh at least I/they stuck around, oh at least I/they paid the bills" (although in my dad's case, he didn't pay the bills, my mom did, he blew his paycheck plus some on fun stuff for himself). 100% would have been easier on everyone (and more financially stable) had my dad left and my parents gotten divorced. And we'd likely have a better relationship now that he's mellowed in his old age as I wouldn't have so many awful memories of him terrorizing all of us.

It's because most of us don't want to leave our children to defend for themselves with these assholes every other weekend or whatever custody arrangement they get. So, yeah we stick it out so that we can at least shelter our kids from it somewhat.

I think you're misunderstanding what was said; PP said at least the father/abuser stuck around rather than bailing, not that mom wouldn't leave.

[Anonymous]

Wow sweetheart. That is a heavy burden you are carrying. Your words paint a clear picture of what your husband must be feeling, but I am concerned for your feelings in all this. I don't know of anything that hurts or deflates a wife more than when her husband ignores her and entitles himself to be the only one stuck inside a conflict. He is obviosly at a crossroads of his life and feels trapped with no way out. He will have some decisions to make about recommitting himself to the vows he took on his wedding day. In the meantime, your best defense to preserve your family is to ask for God's intervention. I don't know if you ever pray, or even believe in prayer, but God designed your family relationships to thrive and grow with Him in the center of your hearts. God is far more concerned with who you become in this journey through life, and in his mercy gives us numerous opportunities for us to recognize our need for Him.

Funny thing is - what brings a couple together is never what keeps them together. Many wives will testify to that! Yes, there is a road we travel as time moves on where we discover that upholding our spouse requires a lot of selfless giving and grace. Sounds to me like you have been trying, with every human ability you have, to reconcile him back to his role as husband and father. Do not give up. God is in the business of preserving families and wants to see yours restored more than you do.

I would like to encourage you to remain true to what you believe in your heart is right. You can only be responsible for your own actions, thoughts, and decisions, and he likewise. Start to pray and ask God to open up a window of time when you can sit down and draw out of him what troubles him the most. Maybe when he hears himself talk he will realize just how distant he has placed himself from healthy priorities. Pick a time when he seems approachable, and offer him a chance to expose some parts of his soul that weigh him down the most. He may not be ready to talk at first, but when he detects the genuine sincerity of your heart, he may find the freedom to respond openly.

You are not alone dear friend. Many women have struggled as they attempt to navigate their way through a turbulent marriage. But God is there, to uphold you, to support you, to give you strength, and to lead you. I found this article that touches on your situation. I am passing it along in hopes of giving you a place to go to read and be uplifted. http://bit.ly/2cEqCWE

I promise I will pray for you too. I know this is not easy but I want you to know that I am an example of someone who felt the bottom falling out and by the grace of God, my marriage is doing better. The threats are gone and that happened when we both made a decision to follow God's plan for our lives instead of our own. Sending you a hug, and I will be thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

PP, are you C9BL?

[Anonymous]

You need to get this on the record - either with the court or a counselor. Someone that can appear in court when you are at your protective order hearing when he raises his hand to you. It will happen if nothing is done. He needs therapy. You need therapy. You need to start preparing for a possible separation.

But, most importantly, get it on the record. It is abuse. If you don't, then a judge might say "well, you haven't said anything before..." and he will get off easy. Happened to me.

Good luck - I know it's a terrible place to be

[Anonymous]

You are under an enormous amount of stress here OP in both your professional & personal life.

Your husband should NEVER have acted that way nor spoken the way he did to you....Most especially in front of the kids.
And his lame excuse, blaming his irresponsible behavior on "middle-age" is a lame excuse + cop out.

He should either seek professional help w/his anger issues or else you should leave this marriage altogether.
You shouldn't have to carry all the household & child-related duties on your own!!
Plus deal w/your husband's temper tantrums.

It sounds to me as if you would be much better off on your own.

[Anonymous]

. Screamed, threw things, broke things, scared the living hell out of me. I told him to get out of the house, which only enraged him more. He stormed in and out, screamed about how much he hated his life and our home and demanded a divorce repeatedly. My tween son started sobbing hysterically, while my husband tried to comfort him he kept screaming at me and my younger son

I am so sorry OP. This is so beyond the bounds of normal expressions of frustration and anger. He certainly needs help but most of all you need to create a safe place for yourself and your children. Thre was a recent study showing that screaming at/around your children with anger is just as damaging as physically abusing them. So imagine, now, that he is beating up on your and your children. What would you do?

I hope you have some resources to help you pull through. ANd yes, I would leave.