I've stopped caring but after a blowup should I just walk away?

[Anonymous]

Two kids, husband of 14 years who loves the kids and is intensely loyal... but is just angry. And totally checked out, while I'm the frantic default parent with a much more time-intensive job who is on point for all house/kids stuff. Tonight my husband went totally nuts after I got home late (630pm) and our young elementary-aged child was pitching a fit. I stayed calm (not always easy for me), trying to get the dishes done & grab the laundry I'd washed earlier so that I could get the younger kid to bed. But my husband just lost it. Screamed, threw things, broke things, scared the living hell out of me. I told him to get out of the house, which only enraged him more. He stormed in and out, screamed about how much he hated his life and our home and demanded a divorce repeatedly. My tween son started sobbing hysterically, while my husband tried to comfort him he kept screaming at me and my younger son. After a couple of hours he calmed down and got ice cream and flowers.

Kids are calm and asleep now. I'm numb and sort of over it all. I told him that if he actually gives a shit about his kids or me, he will find a counselor tomorrow. I doubt he will - he's anti-therapy in principle. He's done this very occasionally over the years, but not recently enough that my kids remember. Generally speaking, he is pissed off, and would admit that if asked - he says all middle aged men are.

I'm not entirely sure what to do next, other than have a glass of wine. The next 2 days at work will be crazy, and I'm supposed to take the kids away this weekend to visit a dying parent. I don't know what the hell to do at this stage. I'd be grateful for any advice. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

So sorry op. This sucks.
But it's very familiar to me.
I don't have any answers. You could demand he seek therapy, but mine has never stuck with it.
Would he do couples?
The one thing that has worked a little for me is to stress the damage he is doing to the kids. The tween especially. That seems to resonate a bit.
Hugs. I know it stinks. Been there.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you should get divorced and try to get majority custody. It doesn't sound like he'd be good at parenting alone.

[Anonymous]

Do what you have to do to keep the ship afloat and moving forward. Don't make any giant decisions. Get through the dying/losing parent grief.

So sorry you are dealing with your ass DH when you should be focused on more important things-hug

[Anonymous]

Your husband has every right to be angry, and plenty to be angry and stressed about.

What he does NOT have is the right to blow up and take it out on you and the kids.

He needs to realize down to his core that the kids deserve to have a father who does not terrorize them or their mother. He needs to think about what he can do to ensure it doesn't happen.

Once he sees that, therapy has a chance of helping, and he has a chance of learning how to let his anger and frustrations out in healthy ways, always mindful that you and the kids do not deserve to have his anger taken out on you all.

He also needs to begin to see that being checked out is how he copes with stress, frustration, and anger, and that it's not good for his family. You all need him to pitch in, and to learn to be able to handle more without melting down.

[Anonymous]

Why were you late? Did you call? Sounds like he had good reasons to be angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why were you late? Did you call? Sounds like he had good reasons to be angry.

What a weird comment. People sometimes get home later than they expect - she's working and then probably sitting in intense traffic.
It doesn't mean that she and the kids get screamed at abusively for hours.

OP can you hire live in help maybe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why were you late? Did you call? Sounds like he had good reasons to be angry.

And break shit? You're nuts, PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two kids, husband of 14 years who loves the kids and is intensely loyal... but is just angry. And totally checked out, while I'm the frantic default parent with a much more time-intensive job who is on point for all house/kids stuff. Tonight my husband went totally nuts after I got home late (630pm) and our young elementary-aged child was pitching a fit. I stayed calm (not always easy for me), trying to get the dishes done & grab the laundry I'd washed earlier so that I could get the younger kid to bed. But my husband just lost it. Screamed, threw things, broke things, scared the living hell out of me. I told him to get out of the house, which only enraged him more. He stormed in and out, screamed about how much he hated his life and our home and demanded a divorce repeatedly. My tween son started sobbing hysterically, while my husband tried to comfort him he kept screaming at me and my younger son. After a couple of hours he calmed down and got ice cream and flowers.

Kids are calm and asleep now. I'm numb and sort of over it all. I told him that if he actually gives a shit about his kids or me, he will find a counselor tomorrow. I doubt he will - he's anti-therapy in principle. He's done this very occasionally over the years, but not recently enough that my kids remember. Generally speaking, he is pissed off, and would admit that if asked - he says all middle aged men are.

I'm not entirely sure what to do next, other than have a glass of wine. The next 2 days at work will be crazy, and I'm supposed to take the kids away this weekend to visit a dying parent. I don't know what the hell to do at this stage. I'd be grateful for any advice. Thanks.

in the short term take care of yourself and the kids. In the long term take care of yourself and he kids. Has he acted this way before. I he reasonable enough to talk later? Flower and ice cream? Did he apologize to you and the children? Does he have anger management issues? Sounds like it. If you aren't in therapy then find one and go. So sorry this has happened to you. My middle aged DH has seemingly increased insanity lately. Claims it's stress and lack of sleep induced. No excuse. I manage my stress. He needs to manage his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why were you late? Did you call? Sounds like he had good reasons to be angry.

And break shit? You're nuts, PP

Plus 1,000,000,000
No excuse. Not tolerable. Ever. Horrible example to kids and to everyone. He needs help. Mine only sought help when shit exploded at work. Sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why were you late? Did you call? Sounds like he had good reasons to be angry.

Is it me, or are these kind of mean and utterly ridiculous comments becoming more frequent on dcum? I've been here for about 10 years. It now seems like this bullshit is in every single thread. What the hell is wrong with people?

[Anonymous]

OP, you an your husband need to discuss this. It's ultimatum time. This cannot be tolerated.

[Anonymous]

If he won't go to therapy you should go to help sort out next steps.

[Anonymous]

Find a counselor for yourself. It's an objective person who will help you figure out what your next steps should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why were you late? Did you call? Sounds like he had good reasons to be angry.

Is it me, or are these kind of mean and utterly ridiculous comments becoming more frequent on dcum? I've been here for about 10 years. It now seems like this bullshit is in every single thread. What the hell is wrong with people?

I noticed there is one really angry dude who comments on everything with really negative comments about women.