Could use some helpl/advice on how to advise my 27 year old son.....

[Anonymous]

OP. Why did you share all the OCD/depression info? If this is not controlled, he isn't likely to succeed on the friend front until it is. My advice to him: get under the care of a doctor who supports his approach, and be open to going back on the meds.

[Anonymous]

Suggest volunteer work in things he is interested in. This can be at so many different things, such as animal shelters, coaching kids sports teams, tutoring, habitat for humanity, soup kitchens, etc...

If he is a person of faith, seek out a church or place of worship. There are large non denominational churches in urban areas that have groups his age and usually have special service times.

If his college/university has an alumni group in his city that is an easy opportunity to make friends. I went to a large state university and we have strong alumni chapters coast to coast.

Join professional organization(s) relating to his occupation or degree. For example if he is in technology, join a tech group, a cpa, join an accounting society, etc...

Lastly, if he hasn't already, join a gym. I have always met people at the gym and developed friendships outside of working out. In fact, I met my husband at the gym.

[Anonymous]

Op ~ I don't think it helps him for you to make this your concern, IMHO

[Anonymous]

How is OP not going to be concerned with her child? That is the most ridiculous suggestion I have ever heard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am literally going through the exact same thing with my 9-year old daughter. I have NO idea how to make friends! She was like, "Mom. I have a question? (She was so serious that I thought she was going to ask about something embarrassing.) How do you make friends?" I don't know because I don't have any friends (and am not social).

Sport is a great idea, but sports, activities, etc at her age means that I have to do all the work of finding them, signing her up, driving to them and I work and am exhausted. At least your son can do it by himself! Isn't there a trick to all those people who have thousands of friends at school WITHOUT doing all these activites.

Yes, there is a secret, but it is a secret to us who don't have that personality type. It is not a secret, but just life to my DD who is extrovert, has dozens and dozens of best friends, and so many other friends. Who, at 15 ,is a social butterfly of the highest order. Who is getting the whole high school stadium to chant cheers for the team. But, it is a secret to me and the thing is, I do have a couple of really good friends, and that is all I need or can manage. I am happy with my way, she is happy with her way. But, if you are unhappy with not being social....that is when problems happen.

I can talk to people easily but don't like most people and don't want more friends. She is painfully shy but wants more friends. So she is unhappy not being social, which is why problems are happening, as you said. I am clueless about what to suggest, since talking to people comes easily to me and also because I have no desire to talk to anyone. I think most kids in her position have social parents that invite over people a lot, but I don't. Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op ~ I don't think it helps him for you to make this your concern, IMHO

I have a son the same age as OP's and a daughter a couple of years younger. Both live far from me and from each other. You don't stop worrying about your kids when they become adults. If anything, you worry more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am literally going through the exact same thing with my 9-year old daughter. I have NO idea how to make friends! She was like, "Mom. I have a question? (She was so serious that I thought she was going to ask about something embarrassing.) How do you make friends?" I don't know because I don't have any friends (and am not social).

Sport is a great idea, but sports, activities, etc at her age means that I have to do all the work of finding them, signing her up, driving to them and I work and am exhausted. At least your son can do it by himself! Isn't there a trick to all those people who have thousands of friends at school WITHOUT doing all these activites.

Yes, there is a secret, but it is a secret to us who don't have that personality type. It is not a secret, but just life to my DD who is extrovert, has dozens and dozens of best friends, and so many other friends. Who, at 15 ,is a social butterfly of the highest order. Who is getting the whole high school stadium to chant cheers for the team. But, it is a secret to me and the thing is, I do have a couple of really good friends, and that is all I need or can manage. I am happy with my way, she is happy with her way. But, if you are unhappy with not being social....that is when problems happen.

I can talk to people easily but don't like most people and don't want more friends. She is painfully shy but wants more friends. So she is unhappy not being social, which is why problems are happening, as you said. I am clueless about what to suggest, since talking to people comes easily to me and also because I have no desire to talk to anyone. I think most kids in her position have social parents that invite over people a lot, but I don't. Suggestions?

Same pp here. It is just difficult to suggest since you never know what will work. My DS sounds similar to your DD, don't know how I got DD so opposite from the rest of our nuclear family. My sister and SIL are very extrovert, so I guess there is some gene there. One good thing a sports coach told my DS was to ask himself a question "what do I want?" My DS always thinks "how does this look?" or "What should I say?" or "what are people thinking?" But, while it does comes naturally to my DD, she has a natural ability to let things go, something my DS nor I have. If somebody slights her or something is wrong, she is upset for a couple of hours, and then forgets and forgives. She also compliments people a lot, and if I ever make an unkind remark about her friend/s(which is my bad, but sometimes might be right, as for something DD told me, that wasn't nice) she will defend them and tell me not to say bad things about kids. So, she is right, it is my insecurity of some kind talking, I guess. But, other than that, I think it might be the confidence, she has confidence and DS doesn't. Since she was born I told her that she is beautiful, smart, gorgeous... this was my way of trying to avoid criticism that I faced from my mother non stop. I tried with DS, didn't work. I don't know how she does it, she just walks into the room and takes over, or finds where she fits in. But, if this helps, we were thinking about moving, I find DC stressful and want to move back to the CO, and she doesn't want me to do it. She said that it is not so easy to make brand new friends now, as a teen, so I think it gets harder with age, and we are staying here until she goes to college. Maybe have your DD start the conversation, join the group that isn't so popular, compliment some girls around her. Join a sport if she likes that. Maybe point out to her, that sometimes you have to make the first step, no matter how hard it is. I wish I could be more

[Anonymous]

Outside of work it's pretty weird to try to 'make friends' in your late 20s. New dudes will likely assume he's homosexual.

And it sounds like he'll just dump the new bros for the first girl that comes along, so why not just focus on dating? Lot easier.

[Anonymous]

- Alum association.
- Friends/family on facebook reaching out to tell him to get in touch with person A they know in City X.
- Join a high-end gym and go to their 6 a.m. classes.
- If he was good at a sport in hs/college, play drop in (my boys are late 20s and still play hockey every weekend in Chicago).

[Anonymous]

My DH has no friends. Outside of work. We moved a lot. And I am not sure how much are these coworkers, not really friends. I think it must be extremely hard to make new friends for a guy later on, even if he is still young. Is there a site where he lives that organizes get togethers for people to meet friends, but it is not a dating site?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Why did you share all the OCD/depression info? If this is not controlled, he isn't likely to succeed on the friend front until it is. My advice to him: get under the care of a doctor who supports his approach, and be open to going back on the meds.

+1, but I do think sharing the pics and depression info is important. It will definitely be easier for him once he starts getting this stuff straightened out. I'm assuming social anxiety is a huge barrier. Being attractive with a nice apartment means nothing if you're depressed and anxious.

[Anonymous]

Kickball

That's how DH & I met. That's how I made a group of friends in my late 20's who are still my friends today.

I two sets of late 20's cousins in two different cities who were struggling with similar problems. So they joined a couple of kickball leagues. and now all seem to be constantly on the go to bars, BBQs, Cubs games etc with a large group of friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, lots of good ideas. Let me add--he should go back on meds. He's old enough to understand his issues are not curable but treatable, and treating them properly will have a noticeable effect on his quality of life.

[Anonymous]

Take up a sport - join a running group or take a sailing class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op ~ I don't think it helps him for you to make this your concern, IMHO

MORON. Clearly you are not a parent.