Could use some helpl/advice on how to advise my 27 year old son.....

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids, my oldest is 27....by all accounts a great kid. Smart, successful (has a great paying job, owns his own car and beautiful apt) and quite handsome. He has always been very sensitive and that has at times caused him angst. He has toughened up with age but still is more sensitive then most. He has OCD nad for years was on meds, but then went off and decided he wanted to be medicine free. He went back and forth between bouts of depression and his OCD'ness returning. He tried the more holistic route which did not totally work as he owuld have liked.

Fast forward- he was dating a girl for over 2 years and he broke up as he realized he would not eventually marry her and respects both she and the family too much to string her along. In the process of spending most of his free time with over for over 2 years he lost touch with a lot of friends. Some went to graduate school, some moved and only a few remain. So now hes a bit disconnected, feels his social life is really lacking and is feeling down and lonely.

he opens up to me a lot and I try to advise him best I can. So....would love to know your suggestions? I told him to take up a sport or activity where he can meet people, join a dating club, reach out to old friends? Any other ideas? He is truly a great kid and it makes me so sad to see him feeling this way..he came to me for advise and suggestions but I am not sure what else to tell him. He is thinking of going back on meds to regulate his moods.

Just imagine your son/daughter is new to a city and doesn't know anyone..how would they meet others? I would really any advise you can offer so I can pass it along. It is hard to see our kids struggle and though on the outside he seems to have it all loneliness doesn't discriminate. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

I would tell him that it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. And that isn't a reflection on him (that he doesn't have many friends At this stage) and it won't always be so lonely.


It helps to know that the suffering is temporary.

[Anonymous]

I was 27 when I moved across the country. Here's what I did:

1. Sought out people at work who seemed cool and deepened my relationships with them. Started with lunch, then a movie after work, then a fun event on the weekend, etc.

2. Took one wine class, one cooking class and a baking class.

3. Found a pickup game of b-ball through Meetup.

4. Committed to saying "yes" to everything I was invited to for a month.

5. When talking with people, was open about saying I was looking to make new friends and explore the city.

[Anonymous]

Following with earnest. Going through this same thing with my son. He's a little younger but in a new city in his first job after graduation while his girlfriend finishes school in another city

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 27 when I moved across the country. Here's what I did:

1. Sought out people at work who seemed cool and deepened my relationships with them. Started with lunch, then a movie after work, then a fun event on the weekend, etc.

2. Took one wine class, one cooking class and a baking class.

3. Found a pickup game of b-ball through Meetup.

4. Committed to saying "yes" to everything I was invited to for a month.

5. When talking with people, was open about saying I was looking to make new friends and explore the city.

This is awesome! Thank you, I am going to forward this to him now, great suggestions. Hope it all worked out

[Anonymous]

27, good looking, making good money and has a nice car and a nice apartment?
It should not be difficult for him.
Has he joined Meetup groups?

[Anonymous]

If he's as good looking as you claim, he should have no problem finding girls or friends.

He can start by going to places where live music is played, adult game bars, trendy eateries. The girls will flock to him.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP here- I am not just saying he is good looking, I really mean it. I would have left that part out if he was just average But he does not have the confidence to see that, which is ironic and such relevant proof that looks can be deciding.

A great apt, a good job, good looking- you would think all the ingredients one needs. And here he is very lonely and seeking friendship.

Really appreciating the advice though!

[Anonymous]

I am literally going through the exact same thing with my 9-year old daughter. I have NO idea how to make friends! She was like, "Mom. I have a question? (She was so serious that I thought she was going to ask about something embarrassing.) How do you make friends?" I don't know because I don't have any friends (and am not social).

Sport is a great idea, but sports, activities, etc at her age means that I have to do all the work of finding them, signing her up, driving to them and I work and am exhausted. At least your son can do it by himself! Isn't there a trick to all those people who have thousands of friends at school WITHOUT doing all these activites.

[Anonymous]

This is me: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/586288.page

(Ignore the person who says it sounds like the same OP -- I have no idea who she was talking about -- unless it was you -- and my DD is 9 and your DS is 27 so nothing alike.)

Please help!

[Anonymous]

OP, it is hard to make new friends in any of these crazy transitions (right out of college, right out of a relationship) regardless of how successful/attractive you are.

I think some of the other folks have given great suggestions. Another is for him to go to his alumni bar for sports games, join alumni IM sports, etc.

[Anonymous]

Work is the easiest place to make friends. He should try harder there.

Also, does his town have sports leagues for 20-ish adults, like kickball, softball, flag football? It's totally social. Very easy to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Seems normal at his stage of life. He could take a dancing class to meet some ladies, or do online dating. He should have no problem if he's good looking. What are his interests? If he doesn't want to take meds for his OCD, he could read self help books.

[Anonymous]

Ok, pp's who are critical, OP clearly said he has OCD and depression on and off, so that would not make it easy to make friends. Where is he living? If he is in a state/city where people are very sporty maybe sign up for rock climbing, hiking groups, exercise is also good for depression and anxiety. Join a biking group? What does he like, OP? Most likely, he will slowly meet people at work and around, but as he is OCD that is making him overthinking it. I am not sure adult bars are greatest for people with OCD and depression, too much pressure, and going alone would be difficult as well. I would suggest maybe even just suggesting he takes some time to relax and not worry about meeting people for a couple of months and good things might happen when he isn't really making any effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am literally going through the exact same thing with my 9-year old daughter. I have NO idea how to make friends! She was like, "Mom. I have a question? (She was so serious that I thought she was going to ask about something embarrassing.) How do you make friends?" I don't know because I don't have any friends (and am not social).

Sport is a great idea, but sports, activities, etc at her age means that I have to do all the work of finding them, signing her up, driving to them and I work and am exhausted. At least your son can do it by himself! Isn't there a trick to all those people who have thousands of friends at school WITHOUT doing all these activites.

Yes, there is a secret, but it is a secret to us who don't have that personality type. It is not a secret, but just life to my DD who is extrovert, has dozens and dozens of best friends, and so many other friends. Who, at 15 ,is a social butterfly of the highest order. Who is getting the whole high school stadium to chant cheers for the team. But, it is a secret to me and the thing is, I do have a couple of really good friends, and that is all I need or can manage. I am happy with my way, she is happy with her way. But, if you are unhappy with not being social....that is when problems happen.