Reply to Could use some helpl/advice on how to advise my 27 year old son.....

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am literally going through the exact same thing with my 9-year old daughter.  I have NO idea how to make friends! She was like, "Mom. I have a question? (She was so serious that I thought she was going to ask about something embarrassing.)  How do you make friends?"  I don't know because I don't have any friends (and am not social).

Sport is a great idea, but sports, activities, etc at her age means that I have to do all the work of finding them, signing her up, driving to them and I work and am exhausted.  At least your son can do it by himself!  Isn't there a trick to all those people who have thousands of friends at school WITHOUT doing all these activites.[/quote]

Yes, there is a secret, but it is a secret to us who don't have that personality type.  It is not a secret, but just life to my DD who is extrovert, has dozens and dozens of best friends, and so many other friends. Who, at 15 ,is a social butterfly of the highest order.  Who is getting the whole high school stadium to chant cheers for the team. But, it is a secret to me and the thing is, I do have a couple of really good friends, and that is all I need or can manage. I am happy with my way, she is happy with her way.  But, if you are unhappy with not being social....that is when problems happen.[/quote]

I can talk to people easily but don't like most people and don't want more friends.  She is painfully shy but wants more friends.  So she is unhappy not being social, which is why problems are happening, as you said.  I am clueless about what to suggest, since talking to people comes easily to me and also because I have no desire to talk to anyone.  I think most kids in her position have social parents that invite over people a lot, but I don't.  Suggestions?[/quote]
 
Same pp here.  It is just difficult to suggest since you never know what will work.  My DS sounds similar to your DD, don't know how I got DD so opposite from the rest of our nuclear family.  My sister and SIL are very extrovert, so I guess there is some gene there. One good thing a sports coach told my DS was to ask himself a question "what do I want?"  My DS always thinks "how does this look?" or "What should I say?"  or "what are people thinking?" But, while it does comes naturally to my DD, she has a natural ability to let things go, something my DS nor I have.  If somebody slights her or something is wrong, she is upset for a couple of hours, and then forgets and forgives. She also compliments people a lot, and if I ever make an unkind remark about her friend/s(which is my bad, but sometimes might be right, as for something DD told me, that wasn't nice) she will defend them and tell me not to say bad things about kids.  So, she is right, it is my insecurity of some kind talking, I guess. But, other than that, I think it might be the confidence, she has confidence and DS doesn't.  Since she was born I told her that she is beautiful, smart, gorgeous... this was my way of trying to avoid criticism that I faced from my mother non stop. I tried with DS, didn't work. I don't know how she does it, she just walks into the room and takes over, or finds where she fits in. But, if this helps, we were thinking about moving, I find DC stressful and want to move back to the CO, and she doesn't want me to do it.  She said that it is not so easy to make brand new friends now, as a teen, so I think it gets harder with age, and we are staying here until she goes to college. Maybe have your DD start the conversation, join the group that isn't so popular, compliment some girls around her.  Join a sport if she likes that. Maybe point out to her, that sometimes you have to make the first step, no matter how hard it is. I wish I could be more [/quote]

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