The trouble with telling children that they're "smart"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't make a girl feel badly about being smart.

No. It would be a shame if her fingers felt badly.

[Anonymous]

I just remind my son that the brain is like a muscle and he has to keep using it to make it strong. He is smart, but what is more important is using his brain to think and challenging it.

We also talk about how some of the best learning and inventions come from mistakes. Kids who are told they are smart often start getting worried about making mistakes. So you want to make sure ypur child knows that mistakes are ok and even a god thing.

[Anonymous]

My kids also regularly get told they are smart, and as preschoolers, they sometimes echo that "I know that because I'm smart." I tell them "Just remember, lots of kids are smart. Being smart helps, but it takes a lot more than just being smart to do well in school."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have explained very carefully and repeatedly to my smart kids two things:

1) Being smart is useless if you don't work hard. Lots of smart people go nowhere and get nothing done because they don't think they have to work hard. Between working hard and being smart, working hard is more important.

2) It's okay to be bad at things. If something isn't going your way, you just need to practice and work harder until you get it. You can make yourself smarter at anything if you work at it. You can grow your brain by working it just like you grow your muscles by working out.

+1000

My kid gets asked if he is a prodigy all the time. He is a chess prodigy. Recently he got asked this and he replied, "yes, I am" but they asked so what is he suppose to say? It is what it is and as long as he realizes that his results and ratings are from the hard work and effort he puts in, I let it be.

Talent and being "smart" won't get you anywhere without the hard work.

[Anonymous]

OP, be careful about not acknowledging your DD's gifts as well. I'm objectively "smart", but my parents were simply not the kind to praise. If anything, they were generally overly critical. The result of that is 3 kids with across-the-board above average intelligence plus a host of other talents along with across-the-board low self-esteem (including 2 of us who have suffered eating disorders).

By a lot or measures I'm pretty successful. I earn a fairly high salary in a cutting edge field and have a slew of degrees from prestigious schools...but I probably could have achieved more by now if I had the internal belief that I had something special to offer. I'm coming to grips with that now, but even my Dad has acknowledged that he really made some mistakes not encouraging us more when we were kids.

Every person has gifts/talents that need to be nurtured. If your child's gift is intelligence, something that is often prized higher than other traits, you may have to be a little bit more thoughtful in how you nurture it. But if that's her gift, please don't denigrate it or act like it doesn't matter. If she were a talented athlete or artist, you wouldn't ignore it or tell her that it doesn't matter. Your job is to help her figure out how to make the most of what she has and to apply her capabilities to being the person she wants to be in this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The good thing about this area, and even the maligned AAP program, is that there are lots of smart and very smart kids, so that being smart is normalized, to an extent. Kids won't rely on smarts, will have to work hard, and won't think of themselves as "the smart kid" when everyone is smart.

+1

OP, I wouldn't worry about it at all. My very smart kid is surrounded by other very smart kids. Way different atmosphere than I had when I was growing up.

[Anonymous]

You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have explained very carefully and repeatedly to my smart kids two things:

1) Being smart is useless if you don't work hard. Lots of smart people go nowhere and get nothing done because they don't think they have to work hard. Between working hard and being smart, working hard is more important.

2) It's okay to be bad at things. If something isn't going your way, you just need to practice and work harder until you get it. You can make yourself smarter at anything if you work at it. You can grow your brain by working it just like you grow your muscles by working out.

People do tell kids who perform well at certain things that they are smart all the time. I agree that I tell my kids what I care about it how hard they work and also really stress that making mistakes is part of learning and you have to work really hard to learn some things, others may come easy, but work/effort/trying is what's really important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The good thing about this area, and even the maligned AAP program, is that there are lots of smart and very smart kids, so that being smart is normalized, to an extent. Kids won't rely on smarts, will have to work hard, and won't think of themselves as "the smart kid" when everyone is smart.

+1

OP, I wouldn't worry about it at all. My very smart kid is surrounded by other very smart kids. Way different atmosphere than I had when I was growing up.

+ 2. Agree smart is a dime a dozen in this area. Smart is pretty normal But growing up here, often the 'smartest' kids haven't excelled any more and sometimes less than the B-track kids in the real game of life. Focus on effort and happiness.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, our society is short on praises yet we hear criticisms as thunder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is telling your kid they are smart except you and your head. You are convinced your kid is smart and you are spreading that around. No one else gives a shit about your kid.

I kind of agree with this. I have a smart kid myself. We don't focus on it. We focus on learning and practicing, exploring...
It is the parent that makes a big deal of it. Keep your kids grounded. You can also do great harm btw. There is one child in my DD class whose mom always told her she is the smartest. Read with 3 or 4 ... Now in 4th grade she is not that smart anymore but unpleasant and jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't make a girl feel badly about being smart.

OR a boy.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm.. Not sure how old the kids are, but by second grade, it's their peers who will be letting them know they are smart.

My DS is of extremely high intellect. I think it's healthier to acknowledge his intelligence but explain that everyone hits that wall- it may be in middle school, high school, or beyond but everyone encounters the moment when brains don't compensate for effort.

I also let him know that it's a vast world and there will always be someone who does it better (whatever "it" is)- it's important to develop a good character and interests so that we truly like ourselves and don't have only one thing to hang our hat on.

It's nice to praise effort but I also praise character - being a decent, honest and compassionate human being- being resilient, resourceful, and tough in the face of a challenge- these qualities are underrated and overlooked and probably the keys to happiness and success in life.

[Anonymous]

Acknowledge and celebrate your child's strengths, whatever they are, and do not apologize for it. It is a part of who they are, and your reaction to it (more than anyone else's) forms their identity. For the same reasons, do not make it an excuse for other weaknesses or hyper focus on it as the only thing your child is.

Stranger: "Oh my! She is so [smart, athletic, agile, etc.]!"

You: "Yes, she really has a handle on [insert behavior that prompted the comment]."

[Anonymous]

It sort of depends. I think my son has a pretty good handle on the ways in which he is or is not smart. He's great at math, and I don't just tell him he "tries hard." He loves math and likes taking on new challenges and learning new things. It isn't just his effort level, he also has talent. However, he puts in minimal effort at reading, and so gets middling results. I tell him all of the time that he is going to have a reading problem unless he starts trying harder, and that you can't be good at only one thing and forget about everything else.