The trouble with telling children that they're "smart"

[Anonymous]

I remember reading this article about how being labeled "smart" can be counterproductive: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

DD has been hearing people—including her nanny, babysitters, teachers, some of our friends, and some of the strangers who engage in conversations with her when we're out and about—tell her, or else tell us within earshot of her, that she's "smart." When she was five or six, she said something observant and then added, "I knew that because I'm smart." I downplayed it and told her that she knew that fact because she'd been observant and remembered it. I've also repeatedly stressed that some people know a lot about some things, and others know a lot about other things. Aside from what that article says about the negative effects of praise on achievement, I don't want DD to become conceited and arrogant.

Maybe I'm worrying about it too much, but any other advice for how to balance out the "smart" comments, so they don't go to her head?

[Anonymous]

Nobody is telling your kid they are smart except you and your head. You are convinced your kid is smart and you are spreading that around. No one else gives a shit about your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is telling your kid they are smart except you and your head. You are convinced your kid is smart and you are spreading that around. No one else gives a shit about your kid.

Not OP, nut you sound very angry. If your child is underperforming, or if yourself are not that bright, don't take it out on OP. There is a real chance that people are telling her kid s/he is so smart. They certainly tell my kid that a lot, including her friends and classmates.

[Anonymous]

I have explained very carefully and repeatedly to my smart kids two things:

1) Being smart is useless if you don't work hard. Lots of smart people go nowhere and get nothing done because they don't think they have to work hard. Between working hard and being smart, working hard is more important.

2) It's okay to be bad at things. If something isn't going your way, you just need to practice and work harder until you get it. You can make yourself smarter at anything if you work at it. You can grow your brain by working it just like you grow your muscles by working out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is telling your kid they are smart except you and your head. You are convinced your kid is smart and you are spreading that around. No one else gives a shit about your kid.

Not OP, nut you sound very angry. If your child is underperforming, or if yourself are not that bright, don't take it out on OP. There is a real chance that people are telling her kid s/he is so smart. They certainly tell my kid that a lot, including her friends and classmates.

Mine, too, and I worry about this because some of the people who ought to be working with him and encouraging him to work hard instead act like they're meeting a celebrity.

I just never say anything like that at home, and act like he's normal. Because he is. At least in our house, he's totally average.

As he gets older (he's 6), his strengths and weaknesses are becoming clearer. He was a very early, strong reader, and he has a huge vocabulary and an excellent memory. And he loves science and learning, so he can sound very "smart." But he's right on grade level for math, his handwriting is not great, and his spelling is like every other reader in his class -- not good. It's getting easier to counteract the "smart" comments.

I grew up being called "smart," and had all the negative effects as a grown-up. I'm not going to let that happen to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is telling your kid they are smart except you and your head. You are convinced your kid is smart and you are spreading that around. No one else gives a shit about your kid.

Not OP, nut you sound very angry. If your child is underperforming, or if yourself are not that bright, don't take it out on OP. There is a real chance that people are telling her kid s/he is so smart. They certainly tell my kid that a lot, including her friends and classmates.

Mine, too, and I worry about this because some of the people who ought to be working with him and encouraging him to work hard instead act like they're meeting a celebrity.

I just never say anything like that at home, and act like he's normal. Because he is. At least in our house, he's totally average.

As he gets older (he's 6), his strengths and weaknesses are becoming clearer. He was a very early, strong reader, and he has a huge vocabulary and an excellent memory. And he loves science and learning, so he can sound very "smart." But he's right on grade level for math, his handwriting is not great, and his spelling is like every other reader in his class -- not good. It's getting easier to counteract the "smart" comments.

I grew up being called "smart," and had all the negative effects as a grown-up. I'm not going to let that happen to him.

This is OP. Thanks to you and the other PPs. You seem to get where I'm coming from. (And yeah, I grew up with that label too, which makes it that much more distateful to my ears when I hear it in reference to DD. Fortunately, I met a number of similarly "smart" kids once I got to junior high, so it didn't become the core part of my identity, as it did with one genuine outlier person I know. He lives for praise about his intelligence.)

Good point about the strengths and weaknesses, but I'm curious how exactly you use them to counteract the "smart" comments.

[Anonymous]

I get that too, a lot, with my child about the same age. When people say "wow, she's so smart," I try to reply graciously. "Thanks, she worked really hard to memorize that song." "Thank you, she's had a lot of fun reading facts about dinosaurs this summer." "Thank you, she loves practicing math problems when we drive home from the playground." Something for DD that it's not an inherent quality, but something she did with hard to achieve. I also often segue the conversation so we don't dwell on the subject.

I was always called smart and have to work really hard to get over my perfectionism and fear of creativity now. I really don't want that for my DD. We also talk a lot about brain growth and learning as pp suggested. And I try to remember for myself!

[Anonymous]

We hear it from many well-meaning people, like teachers and his friends' parents. Sometimes it's a casual conversational point, but some go on and on to the point that it's too much.

I praise certain behaviors...you read that nicely, you worked hard on that, wow you remembered all those facts you learned about X.... I try to stay away from blanket statements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is telling your kid they are smart except you and your head. You are convinced your kid is smart and you are spreading that around. No one else gives a shit about your kid.

Not OP, nut you sound very angry. If your child is underperforming, or if yourself are not that bright, don't take it out on OP. There is a real chance that people are telling her kid s/he is so smart. They certainly tell my kid that a lot, including her friends and classmates.

Mine, too, and I worry about this because some of the people who ought to be working with him and encouraging him to work hard instead act like they're meeting a celebrity.

I just never say anything like that at home, and act like he's normal. Because he is. At least in our house, he's totally average.

As he gets older (he's 6), his strengths and weaknesses are becoming clearer. He was a very early, strong reader, and he has a huge vocabulary and an excellent memory. And he loves science and learning, so he can sound very "smart." But he's right on grade level for math, his handwriting is not great, and his spelling is like every other reader in his class -- not good. It's getting easier to counteract the "smart" comments.

I grew up being called "smart," and had all the negative effects as a grown-up. I'm not going to let that happen to him.

This is OP. Thanks to you and the other PPs. You seem to get where I'm coming from. (And yeah, I grew up with that label too, which makes it that much more distateful to my ears when I hear it in reference to DD. Fortunately, I met a number of similarly "smart" kids once I got to junior high, so it didn't become the core part of my identity, as it did with one genuine outlier person I know. He lives for praise about his intelligence.)

Good point about the strengths and weaknesses, but I'm curious how exactly you use them to counteract the "smart" comments.

Basically, I find opportunities to do math review, or write cards, or practice spelling. He knows he's a great reader. I don't praise it or talk about it much. My point is that now there are areas we can work on that help him buuld those practice skills.

He's going to play flag football this semester. There is no way he'll be great ar it

[Anonymous]

I've been I'm smart, a genius, blah blah my whole life. Who cares? The important part is teaching EQ and life skills. Don't over react about a label & be glad people aren't just commenting on her looks, which my kid gets a lot of.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. OP, calm down.

The important thing is to tell the truth, so that she trusts you. You can pick examples from her life that reinforce the lessons you want to teach her.

So if you think her intelligence is above average, please tell her. She deserves to know. And please insist that success depends on hard work. When she practices her instrument, or works hard at something, and then achieves something special, you can reinforce the concept by repeating that she got there through hard work.

[Anonymous]

The good thing about this area, and even the maligned AAP program, is that there are lots of smart and very smart kids, so that being smart is normalized, to an extent. Kids won't rely on smarts, will have to work hard, and won't think of themselves as "the smart kid" when everyone is smart.

[Anonymous]

Please don't make a girl feel badly about being smart.

[Anonymous]

We can't tell our kids they are beautiful.
We can't tell our kids they are smart.

What's next?

[Anonymous]

Ask your nanny and babysitters to say "you're SO good at trying hard!" and "You've got great perseverance!"

I tell my DD she's good at working to understand difficult things.