The trouble with telling children that they're "smart"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading this article about how being labeled "smart" can be counterproductive: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

DD has been hearing people—including her nanny, babysitters, teachers, some of our friends, and some of the strangers who engage in conversations with her when we're out and about—tell her, or else tell us within earshot of her, that she's "smart." When she was five or six, she said something observant and then added, "I knew that because I'm smart." I downplayed it and told her that she knew that fact because she'd been observant and remembered it. I've also repeatedly stressed that some people know a lot about some things, and others know a lot about other things. Aside from what that article says about the negative effects of praise on achievement, I don't want DD to become conceited and arrogant.

Maybe I'm worrying about it too much, but any other advice for how to balance out the "smart" comments, so they don't go to her head?

Here's how I would respond to that:

"Nah. You know that because you pay attention. I love how you slow down to listen and notice the little things around you."

And look for ways to praise all those other (non "smart") traits that make her successful:

- Practice ("Wow. You've been working really hard on that lately. You've gotten a lot better at it.")

- Persistence ("That was tricky. I like how you didn't give up." or "Nope. That's not the right answer. Try agin. I bet you can figure it out if you keep at it.")

- Curiosity ("That's a great question! I love that you're curious about new things.")


Our school is big on the "Habits of Mind," which is an outgrowth of Carol Dweck's "Mindset" research (which itself is the basis of the NY Mag article you cited.)

For more ideas and information, just google Habits of Mind.

This is the core poster/printable our school uses. We have it up at home - we all refer to it regularly:

https://category5tcinquirylearning.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/screen-shot-2013-10-26-at-10-28-57-pm.png

And more scoop here:

http://www.edutopia.org/blog/habits-of-mind-terrell-heick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids also regularly get told they are smart, and as preschoolers, they sometimes echo that "I know that because I'm smart." I tell them "Just remember, lots of kids are smart. Being smart helps, but it takes a lot more than just being smart to do well in school."

Sure. But tell them what those things are.

"Do you know why you're smart? Because you listen carefully. And you work hard. And you never give up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We can't tell our kids they are beautiful.
We can't tell our kids they are smart.

What's next?

Who says? I tell my kids they're beautiful and smart all the time. I also tell them they are special and unique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Acknowledge and celebrate your child's strengths, whatever they are, and do not apologize for it. It is a part of who they are, and your reaction to it (more than anyone else's) forms their identity. For the same reasons, do not make it an excuse for other weaknesses or hyper focus on it as the only thing your child is.

Stranger: "Oh my! She is so [smart, athletic, agile, etc.]!"

You: "Yes, she really has a handle on [insert behavior that prompted the comment]."

Or just focus on the fact that she likes it. For kids, it's still all about having fun. Focus on that -- do they enjoy it?

"Wow! She's a really smart kid!"

"Thanks. She really likes school."

Or:

"Oh my! She's so athletic!"

"Thanks. She really likes sports."

Or:

"Wow. She's a great singer!"

"Thanks. She's always loved it. I feel like she's been practicing since she could first talk!"

[Anonymous]

My child (7th grade) is probably smarter than any other kid of a parent on DCUM. Seriously, he is incredibly smart. I just sigh and say, "oh well!"

[Anonymous]

I am grateful there is no Gifted and Talented program at my son's school. Kids are too puffed up already. Few praise humility. Even fewer castise arrogance. Some parents seem to thrive on their kids arrogance. I hope that is not me. I hope all the smarts are used to the glory of God. Let the kid know that, that if smarts are not used in the right way, they are not really smarts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am grateful there is no Gifted and Talented program at my son's school. Kids are too puffed up already. Few praise humility. Even fewer castise arrogance. Some parents seem to thrive on their kids arrogance. I hope that is not me. I hope all the smarts are used to the glory of God. Let the kid know that, that if smarts are not used in the right way, they are not really smarts.

Whoa Nelly pp! You may as well have just come from Mars. This kind of logic and clear headed thinking is not tolerated on DCUM! I may have to report this kind of talk to Jeff. (j/k)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am grateful there is no Gifted and Talented program at my son's school. Kids are too puffed up already. Few praise humility. Even fewer castise arrogance. Some parents seem to thrive on their kids arrogance. I hope that is not me. I hope all the smarts are used to the glory of God. Let the kid know that, that if smarts are not used in the right way, they are not really smarts.

How do you use smarts in the right way? Is there a 'right' way or just a 'righteous' way in your eyes?

[Anonymous]

I am grateful there is no Gifted and Talented program at my son's school. Kids are too puffed up already. Few praise humility. Even fewer castise arrogance. Some parents seem to thrive on their kids arrogance. I hope that is not me. I hope all the smarts are used to the glory of God. Let the kid know that, that if smarts are not used in the right way, they are not really smarts

What on earth are you talking about? Why shouldn't kids who have an academic talent have a program to meet their needs? My son has HFA and it is constantly a struggle for him to find someone to sit with at lunch or play with at recess. Being in the gifted and talented program is the one thing at school that he can moderately feel good about and enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am grateful there is no Gifted and Talented program at my son's school. Kids are too puffed up already. Few praise humility. Even fewer castise arrogance. Some parents seem to thrive on their kids arrogance. I hope that is not me. I hope all the smarts are used to the glory of God. Let the kid know that, that if smarts are not used in the right way, they are not really smarts.

+1 well said!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child (7th grade) is probably smarter than any other kid of a parent on DCUM. Seriously, he is incredibly smart. I just sigh and say, "oh well!"

Oh yes -- I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have explained very carefully and repeatedly to my smart kids two things:

1) Being smart is useless if you don't work hard. Lots of smart people go nowhere and get nothing done because they don't think they have to work hard. Between working hard and being smart, working hard is more important.

2) It's okay to be bad at things. If something isn't going your way, you just need to practice and work harder until you get it. You can make yourself smarter at anything if you work at it. You can grow your brain by working it just like you grow your muscles by working out.

Except #2 is not true.