Shitty divorcing parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the replies. DH is upping the verbal abuse since I told him my plans and has been taking advantage of my guilt/insecurities by saying things like "how could you do this to the kids?" and "you're ruining their lives." It's a terrible situation. I've never felt so alone.

Very typical of abusers -- displacing the "consequences" of their own actions onto the victim. Akin to saying, "I wouldn't have to beat you if you'd just shut up."

Don't engage. Mentally you can respond to yourself that you are doing the best thing you can by providing the kids a healthy home.

Don't you have any family or friends you can tell who would be supportive? Secrecy is an abuser's ideal environment to operate in.

Stay calm and positive for your kids. Try to stick to a predictable schedule of custody. Make your new home cozy. Focus on your relationship with them and making time quality time. You may be surprised that they feel relieved, as I'm sure they have noticed the abusive behavior. Even if they don't label it as such, kids often know it's unhealthy and creates unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can make it through, and by leaving you are show in them by example that it's okay to stand up for yourself when someone is being a bully and that it is not okay for them to act emotionally or verbally abusive to others.

This. I learned to tolerate emotional and verbal abuse from my family of origin. Much to my chagrin, I found myself in a relationship with someone who was abusive to me. I ended my marriage so I could break the cycle of abuse. I am raising my children far differently than I was raised. The abuse sucked a lot of time, money and creative endeavor out of me and diminished my life. I am determined my children will have a brighter future. 50% time in a healthy environment with me, and 50% time with their dysfunctional dad is better than 100% time in a dysfunctional environment.

I know someone who is going through this now. Their DH was abused growing up, and never sought help. The DH's family is non-communicative, and in deep denial that anything happened (or that it doesn't happen in every family). He consequently, treats her the same way his family treated him. I have only seen it as I have spent more time with them, and she is saying more about it. When does it get better? I don't want to tell her to leave him (but at the same time I do)?

[Anonymous]

13:40, it doesn't get better. It gets worse. Unless he wants to change, and actively seeks help to make the changes, he won't.

Your friend should seek counseling (NOT couples counseling - that gives an abuser more tools to continue the abuse), but individual counseling can be wonderful.

[Anonymous]

OP - You sound very level headed, and you are making the right move. However, you need to find a safe space to talk to a therapist to balance out the negatives you are hearing from DH. It will be helpful to you to have an outlet and even some professional help in prioritizing how to approach the issues ahead. It has been said in other threads about the financial things that one ought to do in terms of credit cards,joint bank accounts and having money set aside for the transition period so DH can't threaten your financial status. Work with your lawyer on this score, too.

[Anonymous]

It will get much worse likely before it gets better. You are changing patterns of behavior that have been in place a long time. If I were in your shoes and it was possible I would get the kids a ton of therapy and lawyer up. You will need help drawing firm lines to get through the first part of process. Sounds like it will be very high conflict.

[Anonymous]

I have no experience to add, but you go! This is not an easy road, but it is the only real road. Agree that therapy is an excellent idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm feeling so terrible tonight about what I'm about to put my kids through. I'm meeting with a divorce attorney tomorrow, getting my ducks in a row, and then telling DH I want a divorce. It's been years in the making--he's verbally and emotionally abusive--and there is absolutely no chance of working it out. The only reason I've stayed this long is because of the kids, but I just can't take it any more. Kids are 10 & 12.

Please tell me kids can make it through their parents divorcing without years of pain. Just thinking about causing them sadness is making me waiver in my decision! How can I help them? How can I make them feel loved, cared for, and secure?

This isn't going to be a comprehensive answer to your question, I just wanted to note that your children can feel loved, cared for and secure, and still feel sad at the same time; the latter doesn't mean that you have failed at the former. It is inevitable that they will feel sad about the divorce, even if they feel relieved at the same time. They will stop feeling actively sad after a while, but there will be times at various points in their lives that they will be sad that their parents' marriage didn't work out differently (even if working out differently would have required one or both parents to be different people). You can't control their sadness, and the healthiest thing you do for them is to let them feel and work through their sadness while you also show them that they are loved, cared for, and secure.

[Anonymous]

They will suffer if you stay or suffer if you go. Better to go. Kids survive. They will be OK.

Remember; what would you want your DD to do if she were in your marriage and had your two grandkids? Would you want her to stay with a jerk or get out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm feeling so terrible tonight about what I'm about to put my kids through. I'm meeting with a divorce attorney tomorrow, getting my ducks in a row, and then telling DH I want a divorce. It's been years in the making--he's verbally and emotionally abusive--and there is absolutely no chance of working it out. The only reason I've stayed this long is because of the kids, but I just can't take it any more. Kids are 10 & 12.

Please tell me kids can make it through their parents divorcing without years of pain. Just thinking about causing them sadness is making me waiver in my decision! How can I help them? How can I make them feel loved, cared for, and secure?

This isn't going to be a comprehensive answer to your question, I just wanted to note that your children can feel loved, cared for and secure, and still feel sad at the same time; the latter doesn't mean that you have failed at the former. It is inevitable that they will feel sad about the divorce, even if they feel relieved at the same time. They will stop feeling actively sad after a while, but there will be times at various points in their lives that they will be sad that their parents' marriage didn't work out differently (even if working out differently would have required one or both parents to be different people). You can't control their sadness, and the healthiest thing you do for them is to let them feel and work through their sadness while you also show them that they are loved, cared for, and secure.

OP here. Thank you for this. Yes, I can show my kids that they are loved and cared for even if I can't control their sadness (which breaks my heart). Since I posted this, I've started therapy for myself. I've also noticed that my to youngest child has been very emotional--this is before we've discussed the inevitability of divorce...he's always been very emotionally intuitive, but lately he's been asking to sleep with me when dad's out of town for work, telling me he loves me at random times and generally been seeking out reassurance more than normal. It's made me realize that, yes, the stress of my bad marriage effects my beloved children even when I think I'm doing a great job hiding the tension and unhappness. It also makes me feel like a terrible parent at low moments, but therapy is helping. I'm rambling a bit because it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep...my point is, thank you DCUM, you've allowed me a space to anonymously solicit advice and have backed me up. I appreciate it!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm divoced two years now, and co-parenting a teen. Looking back, my regret is that I didn't ask for a trial separation first, no dating, just to see how you feel apart for a while. Arrange for counseling with an Imago therapist, so you don't have to delve into all the back-story but just work on how you relate to each other. It's possible your spouse will change his ways, and it's possible you will find ways to stand up for yourself . Separating for a while would allow you to establish a baseline of acceptable behavior.

The reason I'm saying all this is that I thought divorcing my ex would solve problems but it has been the most awful time I've ever endured, from kids no longer talking freely and shutting me out, to ex dating a younger more beautiful and accomplished woman who stands up for herself, to the hellish dating world. Spend enough time apart to re-tool your own life, find out what you need to be happy in the marriage. I don't know how others weathered the storm of divorce, to me it is nearly insurmountable hardship.

[Anonymous]

I hear you 19:06. Divorce the right thing to do in extreme circumstances. No question. But if there is any chance you can work things out try really hard. (Op maybe not your situation.). Divorce really destructive emotionally, financially, professionally, personally. It does feel insurmountable at times. If you raise kids with ex the issues you deal with in marriage will not disappear when you parent as exes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm divoced two years now, and co-parenting a teen. Looking back, my regret is that I didn't ask for a trial separation first, no dating, just to see how you feel apart for a while. Arrange for counseling with an Imago therapist, so you don't have to delve into all the back-story but just work on how you relate to each other. It's possible your spouse will change his ways, and it's possible you will find ways to stand up for yourself . Separating for a while would allow you to establish a baseline of acceptable behavior.

The reason I'm saying all this is that I thought divorcing my ex would solve problems but it has been the most awful time I've ever endured, from kids no longer talking freely and shutting me out, to ex dating a younger more beautiful and accomplished woman who stands up for herself, to the hellish dating world. Spend enough time apart to re-tool your own life, find out what you need to be happy in the marriage. I don't know how others weathered the storm of divorce, to me it is nearly insurmountable hardship.

PP, what was it that led you to decide to divorce your ex-husband?