Shitty divorcing parent

[Anonymous]

I'm feeling so terrible tonight about what I'm about to put my kids through. I'm meeting with a divorce attorney tomorrow, getting my ducks in a row, and then telling DH I want a divorce. It's been years in the making--he's verbally and emotionally abusive--and there is absolutely no chance of working it out. The only reason I've stayed this long is because of the kids, but I just can't take it any more. Kids are 10 & 12.

Please tell me kids can make it through their parents divorcing without years of pain. Just thinking about causing them sadness is making me waiver in my decision! How can I help them? How can I make them feel loved, cared for, and secure?

[Anonymous]

They will be sad for about a year or so but will be totally fine. Trust me, it's better to have you happy healthy and stable.

Good luck!

~Signed a parent that grew up in a divorced home.

[Anonymous]

Read Yhe Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

[Anonymous]

My sister and I were your kids' ages when our parents divorced, and we were ecstatic. So happy to have the mean, abusive parent move out. We're probably not the norm, but that was our experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read Yhe Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

Does it explain how the children of divorce become more prone to being divorced?

[Anonymous]

I'm glad my mom left my dad. He was an alcoholic and shouldn't have been around kids. She did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

There will be pain whether you stay or go. Sounds like going is the best thing to do.

[Anonymous]

They can make it through, and by leaving you are show in them by example that it's okay to stand up for yourself when someone is being a bully and that it is not okay for them to act emotionally or verbally abusive to others.

[Anonymous]

Because he's abusive, it is in their best interest that you leave. They are learning that these patterns in relationships are normal, and they need to see healthy relationship models. Consider getting yourself into therapy, and they may need some too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They will be sad for about a year or so but will be totally fine. Trust me, it's better to have you happy healthy and stable.

Good luck!

~Signed a parent that grew up in a divorced home.

I second this. I love my dad, but what he put my mom through with emotional and verbal abuse actually scarred my childhood far more than the sole act of physical abuse that ended things. It was a relief to live apart from him. They both became better human beings and parents after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

My kids were so happy when we broke up. The ex and I managed to talk out all our issues and agree so it was just implementing a new schedule and we rolled it out. Within six months we were all much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read Yhe Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

Does it explain how the children of divorce become more prone to being divorced?

Curious thing about people who divorce: what they ALL have in common is bad marriages. Know who else has bad marriages, lots of people who suffer through decades of unhappiness and chaos rather than change their circumstances through divorce.
Maybe the children of people who married badly are more likely to marry badly themselves. And then the children of people who suffered through decades of bad marriage because 'till death do us part, are more likely to suffer through bad marriages themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can make it through, and by leaving you are show in them by example that it's okay to stand up for yourself when someone is being a bully and that it is not okay for them to act emotionally or verbally abusive to others.

This. I learned to tolerate emotional and verbal abuse from my family of origin. Much to my chagrin, I found myself in a relationship with someone who was abusive to me. I ended my marriage so I could break the cycle of abuse. I am raising my children far differently than I was raised. The abuse sucked a lot of time, money and creative endeavor out of me and diminished my life. I am determined my children will have a brighter future. 50% time in a healthy environment with me, and 50% time with their dysfunctional dad is better than 100% time in a dysfunctional environment.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the replies. DH is upping the verbal abuse since I told him my plans and has been taking advantage of my guilt/insecurities by saying things like "how could you do this to the kids?" and "you're ruining their lives." It's a terrible situation. I've never felt so alone.

[Anonymous]

I recommend you get everyone into therapy now. Prioritize it.

Then down the line when things change (one of you gets remarried, there are new babies, etc), resume family therapy.