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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm feeling so terrible tonight about what I'm about to put my kids through.  I'm meeting with a divorce attorney tomorrow, getting my ducks in a row, and then telling DH I want a divorce.  It's been years in the making--he's verbally and emotionally abusive--and there is absolutely no chance of working it out.  The only reason I've stayed this long is because of the kids, but I just can't take it any more.  Kids are 10 & 12.

Please tell me kids can make it through their parents divorcing without years of pain.  Just thinking about causing them sadness is making me waiver in my decision!  How can I help them?  How can I make them feel loved, cared for, and secure?  [/quote]

This isn't going to be a comprehensive answer to your question, I just wanted to note that your children can feel loved, cared for and secure, and still feel sad at the same time; the latter doesn't mean that you have failed at the former. It is inevitable that they will feel sad about the divorce, even if they feel relieved at the same time. They will stop feeling actively sad after a while, but there will be times at various points in their lives that they will be sad that their parents' marriage didn't work out differently (even if working out differently would have required one or both parents to be different people). You can't control their sadness, and the healthiest thing you do for them is to let them feel and work through their sadness while you also show them that they are loved, cared for, and secure.[/quote]

OP here. Thank you for this.  Yes, I can show my kids that they are loved and cared for even if I can't control their sadness (which breaks my heart). Since I posted this, I've started therapy for myself. I've also noticed that my to youngest child has been very emotional--this is before we've discussed the inevitability of divorce...he's always been very emotionally intuitive, but lately he's been asking to sleep with me when dad's out of town for work, telling me he loves me at random times and generally been seeking out reassurance more than normal.   It's made me realize that, yes, the stress of my bad marriage effects my beloved children even when I think I'm doing a great job hiding the tension and unhappness.  It also makes me feel like a terrible parent at low moments, but therapy is helping. I'm rambling a bit because it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep...my point is, thank you DCUM, you've allowed me a space to anonymously solicit advice and have backed me up.  I appreciate it![/quote]

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