Surprised to find that my kid is the problem student, not sure how to improve

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't have showed that to your daughter. As for the teacher, she shouldn't have done that. This is a good reason to talk to the principal. Make sure you have a screenshot or it never happened.

[Anonymous]

This is OP again. After some time to reflect I think I came across too harsh talking to DD so I talked to her again and told her that based on all evidence and everything she has done to this point I believe she is a good student, and that the teacher's comments don't seem to be merited by any of her actions and were therefore inappropriate.

I don't regret showing her the post, because forewarned is forearmed and I never want to keep things from my children or have them going into situations uninformed. Anything that is about them, concerns them, or will impact them, is something I feel that they have the right to know.

However I did make sure that she knows as long as she's doing her best in school and behaving well I am proud of that and I am not alright with adults & teachers treating her the way this teacher did, especially in public, because it is rude. I'm going to try to switch her out of that teacher's class, because I've spoken to a few parents of older students and apparently this teacher is somewhat known for having pets & scapegoats... if my DD is for no apparent reason already on her bad side and being trashed on social media (even if by mistake) that's not really an acceptable atmosphere for learning.

I also apologized to DD for my accusatory tone in our first discussion, and we had a very enlightening talk in which I found out that she often feels I am too hard on her and not seeing anything she does well -- so I will definitely be working on that. But she did say she understood why I asked everything I did at first since she has seen some of her classmates be real snots in school but have their parents convinced they're wonderful. Still, DD is a good kid and I want her to know that I'm proud of her so I need to take a hard look at how strict I am with my expectations and the ways in which I communicate. Try to highlight the positive, not only speak up when a problem needs to be addressed.

Man, the middle school years have been nothing but intense. I wish this parenting thing came with a manual or at least a guide for how not to screw up your kids by being either too permissive or too harsh. In worrying so much about not raising a bad kid, I may have been ignoring that I am raising a pretty good one.

[Anonymous]

Couple things:

1. The teacher's conduct is absolutely inappropriate. That doesn't mean your daughter ISN'T a problem student or that her behavior at school isn't an issue, but the teacher should NOT be posting about any of her students on social media, especially by name.

2. I would arrange a sit down with the principal to discuss the teacher's posting and how it will be handled and to request that your DD not be in that class.

3. At that meeting, you need to ask for an honest accounting of her behavior at school and what other teachers have reported in order for this to be coming up. There probably is something to it, your daughter is of course not going to know what it is because 13 year olds aren't very self aware.

4. You should not have shown your daughter the posting. That was terrible of you.

[Anonymous]

For all the posters saying that I was cruel in how I talked to my child, that was hard to read but I want to specifically thank you for the perspective it gave me. Those comments were what inspired me to have the talk with my daughter (post 22:39) that showed me I have to make some serious changes as a parent. I seem to have handled this situation badly because of my own biases and fears of one of my kids becoming the troublemaker or slacker who wastes their potential, and I appreciate the reality check to keep my strict attitude from hurting my daughters.

In my parents' culture that I was raised with by my mom and aunts, to be a problem student is a significant shame on both the student and the family. The teacher would never be blamed for just saying that a kid was one of the bad kids because it would be the student's responsibility to not get that reputation by showing the teacher a great deal of respect and making the most of the educational opportunities. I think the educational culture here in this area (perhaps America in general, but to that I do not have enough evidence) has a perspective that is much healthier for the students because truly they are just kids and as long as they are following the rules of the school and doing their work, as other posters pointed out, they should not be shamed in public just because one teacher does not like them.

[Anonymous]

What, was it a post? Or a message?

[Anonymous]

Wow, if you aren't a troll this is terrible. Setting aside the teacher post, I can't believe you would show your daughter a post like that. Totally inappropriate at that age. If that is your parenting style then it's no wonder she's a problem kid. I'd sit down with the principal, her teachers last year, and talk about options. And get this poor kid some counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Couple things:

1. The teacher's conduct is absolutely inappropriate. That doesn't mean your daughter ISN'T a problem student or that her behavior at school isn't an issue, but the teacher should NOT be posting about any of her students on social media, especially by name.

2. I would arrange a sit down with the principal to discuss the teacher's posting and how it will be handled and to request that your DD not be in that class.

3. At that meeting, you need to ask for an honest accounting of her behavior at school and what other teachers have reported in order for this to be coming up. There probably is something to it, your daughter is of course not going to know what it is because 13 year olds aren't very self aware.

4. You should not have shown your daughter the posting. That was terrible of you.

Thank you for your thoughts and I agree with the first three points you have made. But for the fourth comment, I am surprised to see this keep being mentioned. Why would I hide something like this from her, that I know some of her friends have already seen and the only reason she didn't see it is because I was really strict about not getting her a Facebook account until the first grading period after she is 13? It is unfortunate but now that something was said about her in public she already has the reputation. To know what people are saying about you and if there are any scandals or rumors is in my opinion the only way to be prepared to handle the situation. This way she knows to be very careful around that teacher and also is not blindsided if anyone of her peers says something to her about it.

Would it really have been better of me to not let her know this was going on? My mother always told me any gossip or impressions about me when I was growing up so that I could change my behavior to mitigate the damage and so that I would not react like I was shocked if any of the girls made fun of me for anything. Perhaps this, too, is a wrong approach that I need to reconsider?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get your daughter out of that teacher's class and report the teacher for misconduct. It's too late now, but I would not have shown my daughter or told my daughter about a post going around on Facebook about her. How horrible for your daughter to know that she is fodder for gossip among your friends. Also, I would not attack my child because of some gossip on FB. Give your child the benefit of the doubt. If there truly was a problem with your child in school, the school would have notified you. It truly is despicable what that teacher did. She should be fired.

Absolutely all of this.

And I really think there was a better way for you to ask your child about this without showing her. That was cruel.

I would not have shown her but what is done is done.

I would sit with the principal and show HER what the post says. I'm not saying fire the teacher but she really needs some kind of discipline for the teacher. Your daughter should not be in her class.

[Anonymous]

Couple things:

1. The teacher's conduct is absolutely inappropriate. That doesn't mean your daughter ISN'T a problem student or that her behavior at school isn't an issue, but the teacher should NOT be posting about any of her students on social media, especially by name.

2. I would arrange a sit down with the principal to discuss the teacher's posting and how it will be handled and to request that your DD not be in that class.

3. At that meeting, you need to ask for an honest accounting of her behavior at school and what other teachers have reported in order for this to be coming up. There probably is something to it, your daughter is of course not going to know what it is because 13 year olds aren't very self aware.

4. You should not have shown your daughter the posting. That was terrible of you.

Perfect response.

I would add, OP, that while you may feel you revealed somethings in your discussion with your child, that she may be manipulating you. 13 year olds do know how to do that. Please don't overreact.

I taught school long ago. In my classes and with my administration, respect for privacy was emphasized. I cannot imagine posting or sending this type of comment. Yes, in privacy with another teacher, you might make a negative comment--we are human. But, to do this online is just plain inappropriate.

I'm not sure that teaches are taught today the same way that I was taught to be confidential. I can remember parent conferences when one parent would try very hard to get me to say something negative about someone else's child. I never bit. But, I have volunteered in my kids' classrooms and had teachers make negative comments to me about other kids in their classes. (One teacher in particular.) I was stunned. I taught long before Facebook, and I fear that the Facebook culture has encouraged far too much sharing of personal information.

As for your DD. she may not be leveling with you. I find it hard to believe that a teacher would single out one child like that for no reason--no matter how inappropriate the comment was. DD may also be manipulating you to blame yourself. Behavior in school is important. That is not just the way you were raised, it is a fact.

[Anonymous]

What the teacher did was definitely inappropriate. But get her fired? Really no, that's far too extreme a reaction. Its misconduct but its not gross misconduct. For that she'd have to poop on a desk or have sex with a student.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the teacher should be calling out kids by name - that's unprofessional, not to mention uncool.

But my guess is that your daughter is being snotty/sassy/ disrespectful and hard to manage, and she might be influencing others to act the same way. I'm a youth coach and we had one girl for awhile who was talking back, not participating and ringleading other girls to not participate either. It was making practices hard to manage, and I ended up saying something to her mother that the kid didn't seem to enjoy the activity, but I could be wrong. Mom ended up pulling her out, and I felt bad, but then I ended up being relieved because after that, practices were smooth sailing.

That's the kind of thing that wouldn't necessarily be enough to end up on a disciplinary report, but would be discouraging for a teacher on a day-to-day basis.

[Anonymous]

I would reach out to the principal about this for two reasons. First, like others have said, your daughter shouldn't be in this teacher's class. This teacher acted very inappropriately in a way that shows significant bias against your daughter that you and your daughter now know about, and that's just a recipe for a disastrous year all around. Unless it's actually impossible to move your daughter to another class (e.g., she needs the class to be promoted to the next year, and this teacher is the only one who teaches it), I have a hard time imagining the principal won't try to accommodate this request.

Second, you need to have a conversation with someone a little less biased/heated about the reason for this teacher's opinion. Is she an outlier, or is there some dynamic involving your daughter (whether your daughter appreciates it or not) that is causing teachers to label her this way. Just because the teacher acted inappropriately in response to her feelings doesn't mean there isn't good cause for the feelings themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the teacher did was definitely inappropriate. But get her fired? Really no, that's far too extreme a reaction. Its misconduct but its not gross misconduct. For that she'd have to poop on a desk or have sex with a student.

This is absolutely a fire-able offense. I'm a secondary grades teacher. There are very strict rules around stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Couple things:

1. The teacher's conduct is absolutely inappropriate. That doesn't mean your daughter ISN'T a problem student or that her behavior at school isn't an issue, but the teacher should NOT be posting about any of her students on social media, especially by name.

2. I would arrange a sit down with the principal to discuss the teacher's posting and how it will be handled and to request that your DD not be in that class.

3. At that meeting, you need to ask for an honest accounting of her behavior at school and what other teachers have reported in order for this to be coming up. There probably is something to it, your daughter is of course not going to know what it is because 13 year olds aren't very self aware.

4. You should not have shown your daughter the posting. That was terrible of you.

Thank you for your thoughts and I agree with the first three points you have made. But for the fourth comment, I am surprised to see this keep being mentioned. Why would I hide something like this from her, that I know some of her friends have already seen and the only reason she didn't see it is because I was really strict about not getting her a Facebook account until the first grading period after she is 13? It is unfortunate but now that something was said about her in public she already has the reputation. To know what people are saying about you and if there are any scandals or rumors is in my opinion the only way to be prepared to handle the situation. This way she knows to be very careful around that teacher and also is not blindsided if anyone of her peers says something to her about it.

Would it really have been better of me to not let her know this was going on? My mother always told me any gossip or impressions about me when I was growing up so that I could change my behavior to mitigate the damage and so that I would not react like I was shocked if any of the girls made fun of me for anything. Perhaps this, too, is a wrong approach that I need to reconsider?

It wasn't good to show her because she's 13 and emotionally volatile. You could possibly have mentioned it after speaking to the principal in the context of whatever behavior she is engaging in, eg "your teachers think you're a problem student because of XYZ behavior, do you really want them to think that?" What an unprofessional adult says of her with no background info is inconsequential at the moment.

I do think you will eventually find out there's something to what the teacher posted even if she shouldn't have posted it. Teachers have their own lives, they don't single out kids for literally no reason. Your daughter also very conveniently played you by making it a conversation about how the teacher hurt her and you expect took much of her. Voila, she is now a victim who is no longer in trouble.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you Asian? The "bring shame upon the family" part of your post makes me ask.

Anyway. Go talk to your daughter one last time. Point out to her that "See? It's not just kids who can screw up what they post on social media. This grownup gossiped meanly about someone else, it got passed around, the person she was talking about found out, she badly hurt someone's feelings (yours), and now this grownup might get fired. All because she bitched about someone. So when I tell you to be careful about what you post on Instagram or Snapchat, I'm not kidding." Because this is a GREAT teaching moment! I'm actually going to tell MY 13 yr old DD all about this.

Speaking of whom ... when she was in second grade, she had a teacher who HATED her. She was talkative but otherwise a great kid. But her teacher only liked boys, and then really hated her. Kids who didn't even know me would come up to me on the playground to say "Are you DD's mama? Mrs. S REALLY hates her. She makes DD cry almost every day." And my daughter is not a crier. I once dropped DD off and then quietly stood in the hall out of sight of the room to count how long it took until DD got yelled at. Less than a minute, for saying "thank you" to a kid who caught her pencil as it was falling off her desk.

Sometimes teachers are wrong.