What to do about affair trigger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP whatever negative emotion that scent instigates...anger, sadness, insecurity, suspicion...don't run from it, don't crumble underneath the weight of it, and don't try and pretend like its not there. Instead take all that negative energy that scent incites within you and unleash all that pent up passion and anger and frustration on your wife in the bedroom in the backseat in a stairwell in a back alley behind restaurant, wherever. Two birds with one stone - 1) you no longer suffer the emasculation of that scent reminding you of her infidelity or your inadequacy because you redefine it for both of you and 2) you no longer have to worry about your wife so much as thinking about straying again because the spontaneity and carnality of your new response to her wearing that perfume will have you two f__king like newlyweds again.

If my husband were to wear the same cologne that he wore during his affair and the scent triggered me like the OP -- there is no way in hell I would screw him like a newlywed.

Sorry OP. It is just mind-blowing that she could be so cruel and not stop wearing that perfume.

[Anonymous]

I've read that scent is the sense that is most strongly tied to memory so I can totally understand. I agree she should stop wearing it. Are you guys cool enough now that you could calmly bring it up? Maybe offer to take her shopping and buy her a new kind?

[Anonymous]

Ask her to throw it away. It's really the least she can do.

[Anonymous]

You say you talked about it - did you actually ask her to throw it out / stop wearing it?

My opinion depends on the answer to that question, if you did and she's refusing then she is being incredibly selfish / uncompromising. However I know my morning routine is something I don't even think about - it's just on autopilot. So I can see an innocent explanation if she's just wearing it without even thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Did she ask permission to have an affair? No she just arbitrarily did it and expected you to forgive her.
So...
Toss the shit yourself screw asking her and tell her she's just going to have to find a way to forgive you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave her.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should absolutely stop wearing this perfume.

Why is this even an issue?

Maybe she still wears it because it reminds HER of the affair too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should absolutely stop wearing this perfume.

+1. She had an affair. She doesn't get to do what she wants to anymore.

+1 no question, get rid of the perfume

[Anonymous]

Are you sure she is still not having the affair? I was going to suggest you get rid of the bottle but it's really your wife's decision. It will depend on how truly remorseful she was about her actions and how much she cares about hurting your feelings. Something for you to really think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should absolutely stop wearing this perfume.

Why is this even an issue?

Agreed. WTF lady. OP I hate to say this, but what kind of woman would make you smell that perfume even one more time after you mentioned it>

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave her.

+1

+2
OP please visit chumplady.com

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP whatever negative emotion that scent instigates...anger, sadness, insecurity, suspicion...don't run from it, don't crumble underneath the weight of it, and don't try and pretend like its not there. Instead take all that negative energy that scent incites within you and unleash all that pent up passion and anger and frustration on your wife in the bedroom in the backseat in a stairwell in a back alley behind restaurant, wherever. Two birds with one stone - 1) you no longer suffer the emasculation of that scent reminding you of her infidelity or your inadequacy because you redefine it for both of you and 2) you no longer have to worry about your wife so much as thinking about straying again because the spontaneity and carnality of your new response to her wearing that perfume will have you two f__king like newlyweds again.

Ick. Just ick. The scent triggers memory of domestic abuse (which infidelity is - a form of emotional abuse). In the same way that scents or sounds can trigger post-traumatic stress, so is the scent trigger the memory of abuse/trauma. And you advise OP to repress/channel the trauma into sex with the abuser? Ick.

OP. Infidelity is a form of betrayal trauma. The affect of this kind of trauma has similarities with PTSD (hyper-awareness or feelings of disconnection, triggers, etc.). Maybe a therapist skilled in treating PTSD and abuse can help you manage these post-traumatic symptoms in a healthy way.

Until then, I agree with all other posters; she should stop wearing the perfume.

I made my husband throw away 3 paintings he had bought me as a present overseas. I found out he had an affair with the translator who helped him purchase them for me. I saw no reason to live with a daily reminder of his lies.

[Anonymous]

Ask her to stop wearing it and explain why. If she refuses, you know she doesn't care about your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she ask permission to have an affair? No she just arbitrarily did it and expected you to forgive her.
So...
Toss the shit yourself screw asking her and tell her she's just going to have to find a way to forgive you.

I agree!

[Anonymous]

Female poster here and I wholeheartedly encourage you to toss the perfume out yourself. You've talked to DW about this and she continues to wear this perfume? She doesn't respect you, she doesn't respect your relationship, and she's a damn b-word. I'm sorry OP, but you need to toss it for yourself and if she has anything to say, you need to toss her too.