Is this emotionally abusive or am I really a terrible person?

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, it is not entirely clear whether you do pull your weight in the relationship, and I am not talking financially at all. Did you do the grocery shopping, cook most dinners, do the dishes, laundry, clean the place every two weeks? I'm not sure if he feels like you had 1 dog you cannot care for, then acquired 2 more during your relationship, and you are gone most of the time, albeit working, while he has to care for the dogs plus household duties. Also, I am not sure if you are a big spender or frugal.

But regardless, you two are a bad match. I would leave and not look back. There is a man out there who will appreciate you and your dogs. Trust me. It could be a long while before you meet him, but he is out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your post makes me feel like you engineered the whole thing to garner sympathy. It feels like you are using DCUMS just to make yourself look better.

Truthfully I'm inclined to agree with this. Nice people don't need to tout their nice-ness. And if you're the first to admit imperfections and wrongdoing, where are they in your story of your relationship? Your ex does not sound like a gem, but your post is also extremely one-sided, and I'm inclined to believe these very slanted stories and then asking "am I a terrible person?" as a form of manipulation.

I really wish that you and the PP you're agreeing with would sign your name, so that the rest of us could stop thinking of you as a good person if we happen to know you.

This is a person who came here essentially to say, my ex did all these things and I feel like he is wrong and abusive, but I've been in the relationship so long that it's hard to have perspective. You, on the other hand, read a post that (if even half of these things are correctly reported) was written by a woman who was in a relationship for eight years with someone who belittled her and used her dependence and insecurity to control her, and your decision was to essentially tell her exactly the same things her ex did.

I hope you're ashamed of yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It is the classic definition of emotional abuse.

Are you a terrible person... IDK, do you do mean things to others (besides your boyfriend)... maybe, maybe you drink too much/gossip/criticize others... I don't know.... but that does not mean you deserve to be emotionally abused.

Often, those that are "not good people" think they need to settle for abusers. Often, those with anxieties/depression/fat/under-educated/etc think they are damaged goods and that they have to date an abuser because who else is going to want them. (I am sure your abusive boyfriend has driven that message deep into your psyche)

That is a problem. He abuses you, that is not okay.

Am I promising you that if you leave, get therapy and become a "better person" that you will find a better mate.

No. I am not, you need to be comfortable being along, because those that can't be comfortable with themselves will never find somebody that is comfortable with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry to read this. It sounds like at least you do know this was not a good situation at all and left.

Hugs to you. Please re-read this anytime you feel like you wish you didn't leave.

+1

In addition, know this (from someone BTDT): when emotional abuse happens to you, you may start to react in ways that deeply satisfy your abuser by fulfilling his or her prophecy. I stopped sharing my thoughts and feelings because they were mocked so I did indeed become secretive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your post makes me feel like you engineered the whole thing to garner sympathy. It feels like you are using DCUMS just to make yourself look better.

Truthfully I'm inclined to agree with this. Nice people don't need to tout their nice-ness. And if you're the first to admit imperfections and wrongdoing, where are they in your story of your relationship? Your ex does not sound like a gem, but your post is also extremely one-sided, and I'm inclined to believe these very slanted stories and then asking "am I a terrible person?" as a form of manipulation.

I really wish that you and the PP you're agreeing with would sign your name, so that the rest of us could stop thinking of you as a good person if we happen to know you.

This is a person who came here essentially to say, my ex did all these things and I feel like he is wrong and abusive, but I've been in the relationship so long that it's hard to have perspective. You, on the other hand, read a post that (if even half of these things are correctly reported) was written by a woman who was in a relationship for eight years with someone who belittled her and used her dependence and insecurity to control her, and your decision was to essentially tell her exactly the same things her ex did.

I hope you're ashamed of yourselves.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your post makes me feel like you engineered the whole thing to garner sympathy. It feels like you are using DCUMS just to make yourself look better.

Truthfully I'm inclined to agree with this. Nice people don't need to tout their nice-ness. And if you're the first to admit imperfections and wrongdoing, where are they in your story of your relationship? Your ex does not sound like a gem, but your post is also extremely one-sided, and I'm inclined to believe these very slanted stories and then asking "am I a terrible person?" as a form of manipulation.

I really wish that you and the PP you're agreeing with would sign your name, so that the rest of us could stop thinking of you as a good person if we happen to know you.

This is a person who came here essentially to say, my ex did all these things and I feel like he is wrong and abusive, but I've been in the relationship so long that it's hard to have perspective. You, on the other hand, read a post that (if even half of these things are correctly reported) was written by a woman who was in a relationship for eight years with someone who belittled her and used her dependence and insecurity to control her, and your decision was to essentially tell her exactly the same things her ex did.

I hope you're ashamed of yourselves.

Oh brother, here comes the shame police. Some of us have been in emotionally abusive & manipulative relationships, and recognize that on the internet, things are not always how people say. Details are left out, experiences are skewed, and there are inconsistencies (like OP saying she's made mistakes, yet only posts her ex's mistakes).

OP, continue therapy and working on yourself, and making yourself emotionally whole and independent. Whatever happened, the breakup sounds needed. Do not enter a new relationship for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your post makes me feel like you engineered the whole thing to garner sympathy. It feels like you are using DCUMS just to make yourself look better.

Truthfully I'm inclined to agree with this. Nice people don't need to tout their nice-ness. And if you're the first to admit imperfections and wrongdoing, where are they in your story of your relationship? Your ex does not sound like a gem, but your post is also extremely one-sided, and I'm inclined to believe these very slanted stories and then asking "am I a terrible person?" as a form of manipulation.

I really wish that you and the PP you're agreeing with would sign your name, so that the rest of us could stop thinking of you as a good person if we happen to know you.

This is a person who came here essentially to say, my ex did all these things and I feel like he is wrong and abusive, but I've been in the relationship so long that it's hard to have perspective. You, on the other hand, read a post that (if even half of these things are correctly reported) was written by a woman who was in a relationship for eight years with someone who belittled her and used her dependence and insecurity to control her, and your decision was to essentially tell her exactly the same things her ex did.

I hope you're ashamed of yourselves.

Oh brother, here comes the shame police. Some of us have been in emotionally abusive & manipulative relationships, and recognize that on the internet, things are not always how people say. Details are left out, experiences are skewed, and there are inconsistencies (like OP saying she's made mistakes, yet only posts her ex's mistakes).

OP, continue therapy and working on yourself, and making yourself emotionally whole and independent. Whatever happened, the breakup sounds needed. Do not enter a new relationship for a while.

Please tell me in your opinion what a person would need to do to justify being mocked while on their way to their mother's funeral.

[Anonymous]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

OP, there is a name for what your ex did to you. Here are some signs that your ex was gaslighting you. Does any of this sound familiar?

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.

[Anonymous]

Also he was dropping her off to go to her mothers funeral alone.

[Anonymous]

I don't know enough about you to know if you are a terrible person, but it does sound like he was being abusive.

I would keep working with a therapist, and resolve to not date for awhile, until you are able to choose healthy relationships. That's a problem I had until I was about 33: I couldn't choose healthy relationships. I didn't date for two years while I "reprogrammed" myself and learned what a good relationship looks like, and how to leave the toxic ones.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and your dogs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your post makes me feel like you engineered the whole thing to garner sympathy. It feels like you are using DCUMS just to make yourself look better.

Truthfully I'm inclined to agree with this. Nice people don't need to tout their nice-ness. And if you're the first to admit imperfections and wrongdoing, where are they in your story of your relationship? Your ex does not sound like a gem, but your post is also extremely one-sided, and I'm inclined to believe these very slanted stories and then asking "am I a terrible person?" as a form of manipulation.

I really wish that you and the PP you're agreeing with would sign your name, so that the rest of us could stop thinking of you as a good person if we happen to know you.

This is a person who came here essentially to say, my ex did all these things and I feel like he is wrong and abusive, but I've been in the relationship so long that it's hard to have perspective. You, on the other hand, read a post that (if even half of these things are correctly reported) was written by a woman who was in a relationship for eight years with someone who belittled her and used her dependence and insecurity to control her, and your decision was to essentially tell her exactly the same things her ex did.

I hope you're ashamed of yourselves.

Oh brother, here comes the shame police. Some of us have been in emotionally abusive & manipulative relationships, and recognize that on the internet, things are not always how people say. Details are left out, experiences are skewed, and there are inconsistencies (like OP saying she's made mistakes, yet only posts her ex's mistakes).

OP, continue therapy and working on yourself, and making yourself emotionally whole and independent. Whatever happened, the breakup sounds needed. Do not enter a new relationship for a while.

Please tell me in your opinion what a person would need to do to justify being mocked while on their way to their mother's funeral.

Please tell me where I said that was justified? I didn't, nor do I believe it ever is. But still, doesn't mean there aren't lapses in OP's relationship storytelling, or mistakes on her end. These severely slanted stories always paint an incomplete picture. The ex's actions may be true - but it doesn't mean OP is presenting an honest full picture.

The relationship was clearly dysfunctional and not healthy, so it ending is obviously for the best.

[Anonymous]

At first he liked you and relished the care giving role but then it took a toll. It was easier and less scary to stay with you than it was for him to leave and start over and maybe not meet someone else but he resented you for his own insecurity and inaction and just started being really mean to you. Basically nothing you could have done would have made a difference because he wanted to resent and be mad at you and when someone is stuck in that place, nothing the other person does will make a bit of difference.

[Anonymous]

You are not a terrible person OP, but he has definitely brainwashed you into thinking you are.

As for you being an abuser, you actually are the victim here.

You should seek individual therapy very soon though to feel better about yourself.

This guy has truly broken you.

Best of luck to you!!

[Anonymous]

Be glad you weren't married and have no kids with him. Move on. He's wrong. Don't answer his texts. Get together with girlfriends and have some rebound sex.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you've been treated so badly! No one should be made to feel less than! Definitely continue to see your therapist and work through your anxiety and depression issues. Your therapist can also help you with any of the emotional abuse you experienced over the last 8 years. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and love! Please know you do too! Surround yourself with positive people who will build you up, encourage and support you. Praying you begin to realize your worth!