Is this emotionally abusive or am I really a terrible person?
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Anonymous
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My ex-BF and I broke up recently. We were together for 8 (mostly) miserable years. Before anyone says it...I know. I stayed too long. I will never be in that situation again. I'm a really nice person. I look for ways to make people happy and like to be helpful. I'm very living and kind.
I also suffer from depression and anxiety and can have bursts of anger occasionally. Please be nice. *I work full-time and work several side jobs to support myself. He makes about 3x more than I do. When we moved in, he told me he wanted to make my life better and would pay for most of our living expenses. I paid about 40% of our living expenses. He then started telling me that I use him, that I don't pull my weight. I got very self-conscious about contributing enough and would obsessively look for ways to "earn my keep." I cleaned, cooked and did all the shopping. He still called me a user. *We have 3 dogs, 1 of which was mine before we met. I had her for over 13 years before I let him. I woke up every morning and let them out/fed them. Most nights (after work) I came home and did the same. I do a lot of freelance work and have to go directly from my first job to my second job. I do this 2-3 nights per week. He worked from home for most of the time we lived together. He was always telling me that I can't take care of the animals, that I don't contribute enough time to their care. I did my very best. I work so much (at least 60 hours per week) that I did as much as I possibly could for them. When I decided to get my own place, I couldn't find a place that I could afford where I could take the dogs. My father offered to take my dog for me and my EX took the others. He keeps telling me that I can't even care for my dogs, that I rely on everyone else to clean up my messes. *He tells me that I don't know how good I had t with him and that I'll have a hard time finding someone who will be good to me. *He has always run hot and cold with me. He's either very sweet and loving or he is shutting me out completely, making me wonder what I've done. He told me that he needs "a partner, not a child." I fully admit that until about a year ago (when I started seeing a counselor), I let him make a lot of decisions for me. I was so afraid of making the wrong choice. I don't do that anymore. I make my own decisions and work hard to understand all the positives and negatives. His hot and cold attitude made me feel like a child who had done something bad. *He has told me that I am going to get a "wake-up call" when I don't have him to rely on anymore. *He says that I use sex as a weapon. I really don't. Years of dealing with his crap made me feel anything but sexual toward him. There were times when it repulsed me to have him touch me. When he was wonderful and treated me with kindness, we had regular sex. When he was cruel and cold to me, we didn't. *He says things about me that I know in my gut aren't true, but he insists they are. He makes me question whether I really am a terrible user who plays mind games. The things he says are things I would say to describe him, not myself. *He refused to discuss problems and would roll his eyes and shut down when I did. *He would frequently tell me to to "Fuck off," "Go fuck yourself," and to "get the fuck away from me." *When my mom died, on the way to drop me off at the airport for her funeral-he made fun of me for crying and proceeded to scream at me for "making it all about me." |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm very sorry to read this. It sounds like at least you do know this was not a good situation at all and left.
Hugs to you. Please re-read this anytime you feel like you wish you didn't leave. |
Anonymous
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What's your question? Truthfully, you both sound unhealthy - and in a dysfunctional, perhaps co-dependent relationship.
There are probably a lot of things he's done wrong, per your descriptions. But this is also one sided, and we don't hear his story. I'm wary of anyone who says "I'm a really nice person." Generally I've found the people who say this, aren't very nice at all in actuality. Truly nice people don't need to assert this. Sounds like the breakup was a good idea. Move forward, work on yourself to make yourself whole, happy, and independent (not just financially) - and therapy for sure. |
Anonymous
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He is an abuser.
I don't know you OP, maybe you kick puppies and use racial slurs, but no one deserves to be treated like that by their partner. You did not bring this on. He is a painfully typical abuser and manipulator. Hugs to you. Keep going to therapy ?? |
Anonymous
| Keep seeing the therapist. It's going to take time and a lot of work for you to deprogram. You've been abused for a long time. |
Anonymous
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He sounds like an abusive gas lighting asshole. You might be codependent so you may want to explore than in therapy so you are drawn to or attracted by these types.
Move on. Don't get back together with him. |
Anonymous
| OP your post makes me feel like you engineered the whole thing to garner sympathy. It feels like you are using DCUMS just to make yourself look better. |
Anonymous
That's a rude thing to say. OP has been programmed to think poorly of herself, what is wrong with saying, "Please tell me I'm not so bad?" Human beings need that kind of compassion you know. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks to everyone for your advice. I am still and will continue to see my therapist. I definitely have codependency issues and am focusing on working on it.
I'm really not trying to make myself sound good. I'm a nice person and I've always tried to do the right thing. I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes. I'll be the first to admit to it. There are times when he is perfectly lovely. The difference between he and I is that I will admit to what I did to contribute to the demise of everything. |
Anonymous
Truthfully I'm inclined to agree with this. Nice people don't need to tout their nice-ness. And if you're the first to admit imperfections and wrongdoing, where are they in your story of your relationship? Your ex does not sound like a gem, but your post is also extremely one-sided, and I'm inclined to believe these very slanted stories and then asking "am I a terrible person?" as a form of manipulation. |
Anonymous
| 8 years without getting married??? Should have taken the hint a long time ago. |
Anonymous
| Op, there is a lot going on here, and we're not going to be able to help you sort it out on DCUM. Sorry you went through such a bad time, and hopefully some work with a therapist will help. |
Anonymous
Amen to this. |
Anonymous
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Who cares? And I mean that with all the love and compassion a stranger on an internet forum can give.
It doesn't matter if his behavior is "emotionally abusive." The only thing that matters is whether or not it's okay with you to be treated that way. If it is, by all means, stay with the guy. If it's not, you need to look at yourself and why you stayed for as long as you did, and then GTFO and spend some time alone unpacking your baggage so you don't make the same mistake(s) in a new relationship. This isn't as simple as "he's abusive" or "you're terrible". Very few relationships are. You're both flawed humans (like all humans) and your flaws are badly mismatched. What you need to do now is decide what you're going to do about that. |
Anonymous
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Definitely emotional abuse. Seek a therapist to help process this terrible treatment. So sorry OP.
As a side note: I've noticed a lot of people on DCUM - or maybe one particularly bored troll - who seem to be piling on vulnerable people recently. So please don't take the rude posts to heart. |