16 year old cousin molested

[Anonymous]

First of all, it's unfortunate but these things are rarely reported and the shocking stats are even if reported something like 2/100 will maybe go to jail
Stop focusing your anger on the mother and perpetrator
Focus 100% on getting the girl help and a support system and therapy
Rainn chats or a phone call is a great start
Reporting this could be another trauma and all the questioning can retraumatize her
You need to apologize for your over reaction and ask how to help the girl
Drop it about reporting him. It's fucking horrible and sad but in this country reporting doesn't get the wanted consequence
Make sure he never sees the girl again

I'm a survivor and work with young girls
Please listen to some of this you sound like you really care

[Anonymous]

Oh and I should add, she is a teen not 5 reporting is up to her if she wants to she should but it usually does more harm than good
Some will argue he will do it again and yes he likely will and again he likely won't spend a day in jail
The damage from having some people not believe her is what will add to her shame

[Anonymous]

I am surprised and very sad to see this as a response. I know this is how it is, but this is not how it should be. I have a daughter and I can't imagine letting someone touch her and doing nothing about it. I feel like part of healing is holding the person who hurt you accountable. I know you all aren't privy to a lot of the backstory, but my cousin has a pattern of making poor decisions (6 kids/6 different fathers, none of the fathers around etc). She pedestals men and I feel like not holding this clown accountable is sending a message to the daughter that she isn't worthy of being vindicated. I feel like my cousin set the tone for her daughter to think that she should let it go.

In any event, I will contact RAINN to get more guidance, because all these months later I just can't let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, it's unfortunate but these things are rarely reported and the shocking stats are even if reported something like 2/100 will maybe go to jail
Stop focusing your anger on the mother and perpetrator
Focus 100% on getting the girl help and a support system and therapy
Rainn chats or a phone call is a great start
Reporting this could be another trauma and all the questioning can retraumatize her
You need to apologize for your over reaction and ask how to help the girl
Drop it about reporting him. It's fucking horrible and sad but in this country reporting doesn't get the wanted consequence
Make sure he never sees the girl again

I'm a survivor and work with young girls
Please listen to some of this you sound like you really care

That's not 100% true. Too often it doesn't, but to say it never does is false and as someone who works with survivors you should not advocate not reporting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised and very sad to see this as a response. I know this is how it is, but this is not how it should be. I have a daughter and I can't imagine letting someone touch her and doing nothing about it. I feel like part of healing is holding the person who hurt you accountable. I know you all aren't privy to a lot of the backstory, but my cousin has a pattern of making poor decisions (6 kids/6 different fathers, none of the fathers around etc). She pedestals men and I feel like not holding this clown accountable is sending a message to the daughter that she isn't worthy of being vindicated. I feel like my cousin set the tone for her daughter to think that she should let it go.

In any event, I will contact RAINN to get more guidance, because all these months later I just can't let it go.

There you go again making it about you.

This is what you have to understand . It's not about you. It's not about your cousin.

It is entirely about the 16 year old and what she wants to do.
She is the one who was violated.

She is the one who will have to relive what happened to her and answer very personal and very private questions.

Therefore it is 100% up to her what she wants to do and when and how she heals. FYI people heal in different ways and at different speeds.

I really think you need to make your best effort to patch things up with your cousin, so you can talk to the girl and be supportive to her and what she wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Patching things up with my cousin is not on the table. Falling out with her has been along time coming (like I said lots of back story), this incident was just the straw that broke the camels back. I love her, but at this point it has to be done at a distance. I think you are confusing me sharing my perspective with me making it about me.

[Anonymous]

You know what. Call RAINN. I'm done here.

[Anonymous]

That was the plan, but thanks for your permission. p.s., you are making this about you...

[Anonymous]

Wow op, I'm the one that responded about the 2/100 go to jail.
Ignore that other hostile poster.
I get that it might be easier to say what you feel tha. What the girl feels
Still - you want to help her and that's why you posted
Good luck. Check in often with the girl if she has such a crazy home life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was the plan, but thanks for your permission. p.s., you are making this about you...

I can see why you don't get along with your cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow op, I'm the one that responded about the 2/100 go to jail.
Ignore that other hostile poster.
I get that it might be easier to say what you feel tha. What the girl feels
Still - you want to help her and that's why you posted
Good luck. Check in often with the girl if she has such a crazy home life

Not hostile.
I've been down this road.
OP's attitude is all the way wrong but you do you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should stay out of this. I know you mean well, and I completely get the indignation! But please slow down and let these people decide for themselves. Especially if you're not close and cannot have a productive conversation with the 16 yo in question. I don't think it's your place to interfere if both your cousin and DD are resistant. It's not right, but it's their choice, and they have the right to make it for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call CPS. Make sure they know the suspect is a cop. It won't be the first time for them. Your cousin's DD may be maybe to ask the court for emancipation.

This. You need to do this, OP. Today, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh and I should add, she is a teen not 5 reporting is up to her if she wants to she should but it usually does more harm than good
Some will argue he will do it again and yes he likely will and again he likely won't spend a day in jail
The damage from having some people not believe her is what will add to her shame

I disagree that reporting does more harm than good. I'm a teacher and have seen it save lives. On a personal note: abusers seldom have just one victim. Mine molested at least twenty other girls around the time that he started with me. A lot of us could have been spared if someone had reported earlier. This guy is a cop and that gives him so much authority over young women and girls he meets through work. Do any of us want to chance that this is the officer who stops our daughters for some minor traffic infraction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised and very sad to see this as a response. I know this is how it is, but this is not how it should be. I have a daughter and I can't imagine letting someone touch her and doing nothing about it. I feel like part of healing is holding the person who hurt you accountable. I know you all aren't privy to a lot of the backstory, but my cousin has a pattern of making poor decisions (6 kids/6 different fathers, none of the fathers around etc). She pedestals men and I feel like not holding this clown accountable is sending a message to the daughter that she isn't worthy of being vindicated. I feel like my cousin set the tone for her daughter to think that she should let it go.

In any event, I will contact RAINN to get more guidance, because all these months later I just can't let it go.

There you go again making it about you.

This is what you have to understand . It's not about you. It's not about your cousin.

It is entirely about the 16 year old and what she wants to do.
She is the one who was violated.

She is the one who will have to relive what happened to her and answer very personal and very private questions.

Therefore it is 100% up to her what she wants to do and when and how she heals. FYI people heal in different ways and at different speeds.

I really think you need to make your best effort to patch things up with your cousin, so you can talk to the girl and be supportive to her and what she wants to do.

This. Your anger at your cousin for not doing what you thought she should do DID make it about you. Instead, you should have listened, maybe asked some questions, and suggested some resources that the victim could consider--a school counselor, her pediatrician/doctor, RAINN, etc., that would allow some trained professionals to help her decide what to do. It's not just about reporting the crime; it's also about how she can process what happened to her and start to heal. Reporting the crime might be part of that, and maybe if she gets some help, that will be something she chooses to do. But it's her choice, because she's the one who has to go through it.