Separated but living together as co-parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they are both doing a great job raising their child... They just are not right for each other and unfortunately they can't work it out. You can't force someone to change and the father is showing a lot of warning signs that are just really toxic to the mother. Otherwise he's a great dad, but not a very good boyfriend. (This is OP).

No, it's not obvious at all that he's a "great dad." A "great dad," by definition is also a great husband (not boyfriend.)

[Anonymous]

The way I have heard this working is when you have a family home that the child is in 100% of the time, and a studio apartment or something that the mom stays in while the dad is in the family home with the kid(s) and vice versa. But I hear about this when the kid(s) are old enough to feel the sting of divorce and the parents are willing to be friends. For a 6 month old, I'd just make a clean break of it unless there is a chance of reconciliation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they are both doing a great job raising their child... They just are not right for each other and unfortunately they can't work it out. You can't force someone to change and the father is showing a lot of warning signs that are just really toxic to the mother. Otherwise he's a great dad, but not a very good boyfriend. (This is OP).

No, it's not obvious at all that he's a "great dad." A "great dad," by definition is also a great husband (not boyfriend.)

So every divorced or unmarried couple are awful parents? What is this the 50s???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they are both doing a great job raising their child... They just are not right for each other and unfortunately they can't work it out. You can't force someone to change and the father is showing a lot of warning signs that are just really toxic to the mother. Otherwise he's a great dad, but not a very good boyfriend. (This is OP).

As the child ages, these things will creep into the entire family (mom, dad, child) dynamic and influence relationships. The mother needs to get out of that house. They need to legally arrange financials, custody, visitations, etc. as a formality while their relationship is still good; do it while still good so that they feel things are to their mutual benefit (now and future) and to the benefit of their child. Too many of these things go sour and mom is left in the lurch.

I don't know anyone who has had a situation like this stay positive in the long run. I wish I did.

What do things look like financially for this couple? Both gainfully employed and responsible? Are they a mature 30 years old or still babies at heart?

[Anonymous]

OP here. The mom works and recently graduated law school, the father doesn't. The father is still a child at heart, struggling to grow up. This is why she wants out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The mom works and recently graduated law school, the father doesn't. The father is still a child at heart, struggling to grow up. This is why she wants out.

All the more reason for mom to get her money together and move out .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The mom works and recently graduated law school, the father doesn't. The father is still a child at heart, struggling to grow up. This is why she wants out.

yeah that was pretty obvious when you said he lives in his parents' property rent free. Adding that he doesn't work is pretty disastrous. Unless you want a SAHD for your kid. That could work...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for a 30yo unmarried couple to live together and co parent a 6mo baby without being in a relationship? What are the pros and cons to a setup like this? What are some alternatives? The mother currently lives in the fathers family home (he does not own the home nor does he pay any bills) but she could technically afford an apartment (it would be really tight though).

You are in a relationship. Not having sex doesn't mean there's not a relationship. You navigate the relationship you have on the terms you set out. If this is what is best for the baby, having two present, involved parents who don't fight around, then go for it. The obvious cons to this is that 1. proximity breeds contempt (so if you're on bad terms now, watch out), and 2. sex is definitely on the table (it's easy for one person to gravitate towards a romantic outlook, which could make it awkward for the other). Hell, it make result in a marriage! Who knows? More details about the current condition of the relationship is required to weigh in more meaningfully. How long have you been together? Was the baby planned/wanted? Why the break up? Why isn't marriage an option? The finances? All of that.

[Anonymous]

One of you is always hoping for more than what it is. If you are so perfect for,each other and get along that well, you'd be married. So either decide marriage is worth it and do the whole thing or split up. I will say that if you can get through the dreadful first year with someone else in the house, that's fine, but fish or cut bait after that.

I did have a child that resulted out of a relationship that was going in the wrong direction. I think we are amicable and good parents now, but that first year I was exhausted and mad as hell. It's hard to grieve the breakup of a relationship and have a newborn. But you're going to have that bad head some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The mom works and recently graduated law school, the father doesn't. The father is still a child at heart, struggling to grow up. This is why she wants out.

yeah that was pretty obvious when you said he lives in his parents' property rent free. Adding that he doesn't work is pretty disastrous. Unless you want a SAHD for your kid. That could work...

He is currently a SAHD and is doing a great job at it while she works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for a 30yo unmarried couple to live together and co parent a 6mo baby without being in a relationship? What are the pros and cons to a setup like this? What are some alternatives? The mother currently lives in the fathers family home (he does not own the home nor does he pay any bills) but she could technically afford an apartment (it would be really tight though).

You are in a relationship. Not having sex doesn't mean there's not a relationship. You navigate the relationship you have on the terms you set out. If this is what is best for the baby, having two present, involved parents who don't fight around, then go for it. The obvious cons to this is that 1. proximity breeds contempt (so if you're on bad terms now, watch out), and 2. sex is definitely on the table (it's easy for one person to gravitate towards a romantic outlook, which could make it awkward for the other). Hell, it make result in a marriage! Who knows? More details about the current condition of the relationship is required to weigh in more meaningfully. How long have you been together? Was the baby planned/wanted? Why the break up? Why isn't marriage an option? The finances? All of that.

She was hoping for marriage and he definitely promised her a marriage, but he has not proposed and she's tired of bringing it up for fear that it's awkward and she's nagging - if he wanted to marry her, he would. And he hasn't.

They've been together about 2 years, and the baby wasn't planned but they were happily pregnant. She didn't want to get an abortion. Now that time has passed and there's no movement on marriage or settling down in their own place and they sleep in separate rooms and he's really defensive when they talk about the future/his career/moving out, she knows it's time for her to move on romantically. He doesn't work but could freelance if he wanted to, but he's a SAHD. They had a big fight a few months ago, but are very amicable otherwise. He is still affectionate towards her in little ways, but she has started to pull away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for a 30yo unmarried couple to live together and co parent a 6mo baby without being in a relationship? What are the pros and cons to a setup like this? What are some alternatives? The mother currently lives in the fathers family home (he does not own the home nor does he pay any bills) but she could technically afford an apartment (it would be really tight though).

You are in a relationship. Not having sex doesn't mean there's not a relationship. You navigate the relationship you have on the terms you set out. If this is what is best for the baby, having two present, involved parents who don't fight around, then go for it. The obvious cons to this is that 1. proximity breeds contempt (so if you're on bad terms now, watch out), and 2. sex is definitely on the table (it's easy for one person to gravitate towards a romantic outlook, which could make it awkward for the other). Hell, it make result in a marriage! Who knows? More details about the current condition of the relationship is required to weigh in more meaningfully. How long have you been together? Was the baby planned/wanted? Why the break up? Why isn't marriage an option? The finances? All of that.

She was hoping for marriage and he definitely promised her a marriage, but he has not proposed and she's tired of bringing it up for fear that it's awkward and she's nagging - if he wanted to marry her, he would. And he hasn't.

They've been together about 2 years, and the baby wasn't planned but they were happily pregnant. She didn't want to get an abortion. Now that time has passed and there's no movement on marriage or settling down in their own place and they sleep in separate rooms and he's really defensive when they talk about the future/his career/moving out, she knows it's time for her to move on romantically. He doesn't work but could freelance if he wanted to, but he's a SAHD. They had a big fight a few months ago, but are very amicable otherwise. He is still affectionate towards her in little ways, but she has started to pull away.

Girl!
It couldn't be me, but you know what it's not my life so whatever.

But I don't see this playing out well for your friend AT ALL.

[Anonymous]

I know, me neither.

She has been depressed for months now. I guess she thought things would work themselves out but he just shows no signs of wanting anything to change - no marriage, no job, no house, no responsibility except being a SAHD (which is still a good thing, but just not enough).

She has no clue how to bring this up to him, and she's terrified everyone will blame her for "the demise of a family" when they aren't even married and he does nothing to keep her happy except take care of the baby. I feel awful for her and I don't have any advice, which is why I'm posting here.

How can she bring this up to him and still have it be a civil conversation? especially if she wants to keep things amicable for the baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know, me neither.

She has been depressed for months now. I guess she thought things would work themselves out but he just shows no signs of wanting anything to change - no marriage, no job, no house, no responsibility except being a SAHD (which is still a good thing, but just not enough).

She has no clue how to bring this up to him, and she's terrified everyone will blame her for "the demise of a family" when they aren't even married and he does nothing to keep her happy except take care of the baby. I feel awful for her and I don't have any advice, which is why I'm posting here.

How can she bring this up to him and still have it be a civil conversation? especially if she wants to keep things amicable for the baby

Why wouldn't it be a civil conversation? Does one of them have a bad temper or something?

She just does it. She's gotta toughen up now that she's got a kid to protect and take care of.

[Anonymous]

They obviously need to have a straightforward convo about where they are. I actually think with him watching the baby during the day (btw, if he really does this full time then he has a perfectly acceptable job at the moment) and the baby being so young, this housing arrangement could work for awhile longer/has advantages for her (free housing + free childcare + access to baby whenever wanted when baby is that little is huge; given the setup, she should absolutely wait before jumping into something new anyway and that's the only thing that's really untenable in the current situation). Are his parents supportive?