"I didn't mean to"

[Anonymous]

Do you call him on it in the moment? If he's struggling to remember to not do X, I think it's worthwhile to say something right when it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you call him on it in the moment? If he's struggling to remember to not do X, I think it's worthwhile to say something right when it happens.

Not usually, no. Usually something like later that day in a private moment (but not before bed). The thought being that it's a more open conversation in a separate moment. But maybe that's misguided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hard to say without knowing what "X" is

+1

OP, nobody can hurt your feelings without your consent. Think about that.

Wtf is this nonsense? I don't consent for my brain to release neurotransmitters that make me feel sad in response to an event. This is the definition of invalidation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hard to say without knowing what "X" is

+1

OP, nobody can hurt your feelings without your consent. Think about that.

Wtf is this nonsense? I don't consent for my brain to release neurotransmitters that make me feel sad in response to an event. This is the definition of invalidation.

depends on what is making you sad' maybe you should be invalidated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hard to say without knowing what "X" is

+1

OP, nobody can hurt your feelings without your consent. Think about that.

Wtf is this nonsense? I don't consent for my brain to release neurotransmitters that make me feel sad in response to an event. This is the definition of invalidation.

Most of the nonsense discussed on this forum must be invalidated anyway

[Anonymous]

OP, those examples are helpful. In both of them, your DH is saying he "didn't mean to" do something that is entirely within his control: using a certain word and cooking dinner. Does he mean using the word was an accident and he forgot to cook dinner? Or, that he decided to do those things but doesn't think he should be blamed bc he didn't intend to hurt your feelings?

If it's the former, wtf. He said he'd do something and he didn't do it.

If the latter, maybe it would help to take the emotions out of it (notwithstanding what you're working on in therapy). The issue is he said he would do something and he didn't.

In either case, he needs to take responsibility for his actions (or words) since he is a grownup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you call him on it in the moment? If he's struggling to remember to not do X, I think it's worthwhile to say something right when it happens.

Not usually, no. Usually something like later that day in a private moment (but not before bed). The thought being that it's a more open conversation in a separate moment. But maybe that's misguided.

I think waiting for bigger structural conversations is good, but for specific examples it works WAY better to call people on it in the moment, especially if you can do so in a light hearted way, which is generally easier in the moment because you're reacting to juts that one small thing rathe than the whole big issue of which that one thing is a part.

its also better in the moment because that simply works better for effecting behavioral change to keep the cause (his behavior) and effect (your hurt) temporally connected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hard to say without knowing what "X" is

+1

OP, nobody can hurt your feelings without your consent. Think about that.

This is such bullshit. I'm so sick of this cop-out, go-to line which is essentially saying, "this isn't my problem, it's yours."

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your DH turns these instances to make it all about him and his feelings. (My 6 year old does the same.)

I think you need to tell him that his intentions aren't at issue here- his actions are. He promised he'd do something and didn't do it. By not following through, he's pouring salt on your wounds.

You're not here to worry about his feelings, this is about your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm not an oversensitive type. To the contrary, hours of therapy have been spent on how I haven't been vulnerable/emotional enough and I've been the overfunctioner in the relationship. I think I've made decent progress on expressing emotion, and without trying to control. And on creating space for him. In the example I'm giving here, I've tried very hard not to continually counter with "No, you have to" because I understand that's not going to be helpful to either of us or our relationship.

As far as examples, the most recent one involved the use of a word to describe a personal traumatic experience. I have previously asked him not to use the word because it is hurtful. He has done so a few times recently. So I raised it and the conversation I described followed. It also happens in less emotionally fraught ways - I ask him to take responsibility for cooking dinner and he doesn't - and I generally let those versions of this slide after one or two episodes of "I didn't mean to" because it seems, on balance, okay. But sometimes, as in this recent example, it does not seem okay. And then I wonder whether I'm allowing the behavior in these "not okay" instances by allowing it more generally.

I have a hard time seeing this as "emotional abuse" or something similarly extreme. I do think, as PP said, the hard thing here is the not following through. I have said versions of "I didn't mean to" v. "I didn't mean NOT to" and I feel like it doesn't register with DH. I would LOVE if he said "Thanks for telling me about X and Y. Y doesn't make sense to me and I don't think it's fair for these reasons. So I'd like to find some middle ground other than me doing X." But that is not happening. And that's where I'm stuck.

I'm 10:27 - Don't get stuck on the "emotional abuse" label. It's still hard for me to see what my narcissist spouse does as "abuse" but it's definitely manipulative and painful for me, even if it's partly unconscious on his part. What you're looking for is for your DH to hear you and validate your feelings. This is totally natural thing to want in a relationship. I would look at this more broadly, does he validate you in other ways or does he consistently invalidate your feelings and devalue your contributions to the marriage/family? This is an important clue.

Oh and calling you too sensitive is a tactic, I'm sure it's not true. I'm similar in that I do everything in the relationship, including therapy and lots of self help books. I'm very self introspective and willing and able to take responsibility for my feelings and actions. What happens is that they make you think it's your fault and your responsibility and it's not. He needs to step up and take responsibility and he can't even apologize for hurting your feelings. My H is the same, he'll apologize then add "but" and then throw out some kind of excuse. Drives me crazy.

Do some reading about narcissists and other emotional manipulative personality types. Your DH probably isn't at the personality disorder level, so don't get stuck with the extreme examples, but he might show some traits and use some similar tactics. It's been really eye opening for me to start to see my H for what it is.

[Anonymous]

Not the expert, OP. But the conversation is never going to work if it doesn't go both ways in terms of expectations. You can say "doing X hurts me"; he can say "oh, I didn't mean to hurt you". for positive results, you BOTH have to take the other seriously. the end result, in an ideal world, is that he tries not do x and that if he slips, you recognize that he is not trying to hurt you. in other words, you both have to believe each other. do you believe him?

[Anonymous]

You hurt me.
I didn't mean to.
Okay, well, _____ hurts me.

You hurt me.
I didn't mean to.
This is the same _____ we talked about. This hurts me.

You hurt me.
I didn't mean to.
Yes, actually, you did.

"I didn't mean to" doesn't change much. The fact is, he hurt you. People will hurt you, inadvertently, and without malice. But when the hurt is habitual? Yes, that is *precisely* what they mean to do, and why they're doing it becomes irrelevant.

Get away from this dude.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me as if your needs just aren't being met properly.

In any + all types of relationships, you should ALWAYS feel 100% comfortable expressing your needs. You never should feel that it is better for you to keep your feelings inside just to sustain peace in your relationship.
Because if you suppress your negative feelings inside, eventually your threshold will be reached & things will not end well.

Sounds to me like your husband just doesn't "get it."
Perhaps it would be easier for him to "get it" if you were to back your words up w/A-C-T-I-O-N.

[Anonymous]

For the day-to-day stuff:

"Hey, can you handle dinner tonight?"
"No problem."
"Okay, so to be clear, you are committing to make dinner tonight."
"Uh, yeah."
"Great. Can't wait!"
*He doesn't make dinner*
"Well, you committed to do this, so I look forward to seeing what you come up with to correct the problem."

[Anonymous]

Stop making it about your feelings. This isn't about your feelings. It's about behavior.

Suppose I ask my husband not to use the word "tits" because I don't care for that word -- I consider it vulgar.

And he slips and uses the word tits.

I don't tell him he's hurting my feelings. It's not about my feelings. This isn't about my feelings.

I say to him "Hey, not that word, okay, I don't like that word."

Stop with the feelings crap. His using a word you don't like is just a behavior. It's not an attack on your feelings.

Same thing with forgetting to make dinner.

"I thought you were going to make tamales tonight, what happened?"

Stop with the "you hurt my feelings." This isn't about your feelings, it's about dinner.

Not everything has to be about your feelings. Deal with the immediate issue. Stop processing everything. Life is not an opera.