Reply to "I didn't mean to"

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Reply to ""I didn't mean to""

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP.  I'm not an oversensitive type.  To the contrary, hours of therapy have been spent on how I haven't been vulnerable/emotional enough and I've been the overfunctioner in the relationship.  I think I've made decent progress on expressing emotion, and without trying to control.  And on creating space for him.  In the example I'm giving here, I've tried very hard not to continually counter with "No, you have to" because I understand that's not going to be helpful to either of us or our relationship.

As far as examples, the most recent one involved the use of a word to describe a personal traumatic experience.  I have previously asked him not to use the word because it is hurtful.  He has done so a few times recently.  So I raised it and the conversation I described followed.  It also happens in less emotionally fraught ways - I ask him to take responsibility for cooking dinner and he doesn't - and I generally let those versions of this slide after one or two episodes of "I didn't mean to" because it seems, on balance, okay.  But sometimes, as in this recent example, it does not seem okay.  And then I wonder whether I'm allowing the behavior in these "not okay" instances by allowing it more generally.

I have a hard time seeing this as "emotional abuse" or something similarly extreme.  I do think, as PP said, the hard thing here is the not following through.  I have said versions of "I didn't mean to" v. "I didn't mean NOT to" and I feel like it doesn't register with DH.  I would LOVE if he said "Thanks for telling me about X and Y.  Y doesn't make sense to me and I don't think it's fair for these reasons.  So I'd like to find some middle ground other than me doing X."  But that is not happening.  And that's where I'm stuck.[/quote]

I'm 10:27 - Don't get stuck on the "emotional abuse" label. It's still hard for me to see what my narcissist spouse does as "abuse" but it's definitely manipulative and painful for me, even if it's partly unconscious on his part. What you're looking for is for your DH to hear you and validate your feelings. This is totally natural thing to want in a relationship. I would look at this more broadly, does he validate you in other ways or does he consistently invalidate your feelings and devalue your contributions to the marriage/family? This is an important clue.

Oh and calling you too sensitive is a tactic, I'm sure it's not true. I'm similar in that I do everything in the relationship, including therapy and lots of self help books. I'm very self introspective and willing and able to take responsibility for my feelings and actions. What happens is that they make you think it's your fault and your responsibility and it's not. He needs to step up and take responsibility and he can't even apologize for hurting your feelings. My H is the same, he'll apologize then add "but" and then throw out some kind of excuse. Drives me crazy.

Do some reading about narcissists and other emotional manipulative personality types. Your DH probably isn't at the personality disorder level, so don't get stuck with the extreme examples, but he might show some traits and use some similar tactics. It's been really eye opening for me to start to see my H for what it is. [/quote]

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