Help walk me thru logistics of divorce when one person won't consent

[Anonymous]

I'd start an exit strategy while seeing a lawyer.

Start withdrawing cash and putting it into a savings account he does not know about.

Get copies of every important financial paper and hide them away somewhere (old tax records, mortgage info, bank statements, etc).

Do NOT leave that house until you have seen a lawyer and worked out a temporary custody and CS arrangement.

Good luck. If he's going to be a nightmare to divorce, start planning now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd start an exit strategy while seeing a lawyer.

Start withdrawing cash and putting it into a savings account he does not know about.

Get copies of every important financial paper and hide them away somewhere (old tax records, mortgage info, bank statements, etc).

Do NOT leave that house until you have seen a lawyer and worked out a temporary custody and CS arrangement.

Good luck. If he's going to be a nightmare to divorce, start planning now.

+1

And document arguments.

If you can, have your arguments over text and SAVE THE TEXTS. They can be used in court.

[Anonymous]

Depending on how volatile he might be and smart, you need to be careful in contacting any lawyer or emailing so that he can's see it on a phone or computer that he might use. And if he has access to you phone. Perhaps get a separate cheap phone and keep it at work to use on such things and a separate email account to handle your private business. You also may need to see what your individual credit score is and open a card just in your own name. Also consider how much of a support system you will have once you file for divorce as if your DH has a public persona, the hits to you might be hard. Maybe you should see a therapist to have professional guidance in how to handle things and someone who can help you deal with what you indicated might be psychological wearing down. See the a lawyer and take your time so that you do not take any rash actions. Also despite what you might personally feel about DH, you need to take the high road with your children as long as he is not at risk of abusing them.

[Anonymous]

What's he doing, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, as everyone has said, you really need to speak with a lawyer. However, broadly...

For starters, there is a difference between "separation" and "divorce" and almost everywhere requires a separation prior to filing for divorce. In DC, you must live apart and separate (including in the same house, as roommates, with no sexual relationship) for 6 months prior to filing. A lawyer can advise you more specifically. I was told that we needed to not "share board" - eat together, communally shop, etc. - but your lawyer might tell you otherwise. You will draft a separation agreement that states the day that you began living apart and separate and other information. My separation agreement detailed our intended custody arrangement and division of assets, but ultimately, it is for a judge to decide whether the provisions of such an agreement are how it's gonna be or not.

When you get to the filing stage (aka 6 months after the date in your separation agreement), one person files, even if the divorce is mutual and amicable. In this case, you would be the one filing. He would then be served with divorce papers. That can happen pretty much anywhere - home, work, on the street, at a neutral 3rd location. You cannot be the person who serves him - it has to be someone else. Some people hire professional process servers, others ask a friend or relative to do it. It may also be possible to serve him via certified mail, but your lawyer can clarify. You will then be given a court date, which for me was about 2 months after we filed.

Were I you, I would get statements from any joint accounts BEFORE you separate. Those assets are going to matter and many angry soon-to-be-ex-spouses are not above moving money around in order to favor themselves. Keep in mind also that any joint assets are joint right up until they are legally separated, so there is almost nothing preventing your husband from spending down your joint account between when you tell him you're divorcing him and when you actually do so. I would strongly recommend opening your own account and having any paychecks direct-deposited into that account and then moving money to joint accounts as necessary, but PLEASE, ask a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Depending on how volatile he might be and smart, you need to be careful in contacting any lawyer or emailing so that he can's see it on a phone or computer that he might use. And if he has access to you phone. Perhaps get a separate cheap phone and keep it at work to use on such things and a separate email account to handle your private business. You also may need to see what your individual credit score is and open a card just in your own name. Also consider how much of a support system you will have once you file for divorce as if your DH has a public persona, the hits to you might be hard. Maybe you should see a therapist to have professional guidance in how to handle things and someone who can help you deal with what you indicated might be psychological wearing down. See the a lawyer and take your time so that you do not take any rash actions. Also despite what you might personally feel about DH, you need to take the high road with your children as long as he is not at risk of abusing them.

This is a great tip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as everyone has said, you really need to speak with a lawyer. However, broadly...

For starters, there is a difference between "separation" and "divorce" and almost everywhere requires a separation prior to filing for divorce. In DC, you must live apart and separate (including in the same house, as roommates, with no sexual relationship) for 6 months prior to filing. A lawyer can advise you more specifically. I was told that we needed to not "share board" - eat together, communally shop, etc. - but your lawyer might tell you otherwise. You will draft a separation agreement that states the day that you began living apart and separate and other information. My separation agreement detailed our intended custody arrangement and division of assets, but ultimately, it is for a judge to decide whether the provisions of such an agreement are how it's gonna be or not.

When you get to the filing stage (aka 6 months after the date in your separation agreement), one person files, even if the divorce is mutual and amicable. In this case, you would be the one filing. He would then be served with divorce papers. That can happen pretty much anywhere - home, work, on the street, at a neutral 3rd location. You cannot be the person who serves him - it has to be someone else. Some people hire professional process servers, others ask a friend or relative to do it. It may also be possible to serve him via certified mail, but your lawyer can clarify. You will then be given a court date, which for me was about 2 months after we filed.

Were I you, I would get statements from any joint accounts BEFORE you separate. Those assets are going to matter and many angry soon-to-be-ex-spouses are not above moving money around in order to favor themselves. Keep in mind also that any joint assets are joint right up until they are legally separated, so there is almost nothing preventing your husband from spending down your joint account between when you tell him you're divorcing him and when you actually do so. I would strongly recommend opening your own account and having any paychecks direct-deposited into that account and then moving money to joint accounts as necessary, but PLEASE, ask a lawyer.

+1

You might think about moving the money yourself to prevent him from running down your accounts. It's something to ask a lawyer about, at the very least

[Anonymous]

I'm going to add "get a therapist" to the lawyer suggestions. He's going to make this hard. Line up support for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. Can anyone walk me through what the weeks/months after filing look like, in this sort of situation? How is it decided who will leave the house? Does one go to court? Obviously I will talk to a lawyer, but once that ball starts rolling, the match is lit, so the speak.

I'm confident he would never hit me--that's a line for him plus he's too smart, as he would realize that it would impact him legally. He would do lots of other stuff to mess me with me legally and psychologically, though...and is more likely to do that if he feels I'm doing any of this behind his back. He's incredibly smart and fairly well connected within the legal community. I guess not that unusual a story for DcUm crowd. I just want to have it all thought through before I take that first step so that I'm not floundering, because he won't be.

Speaking with a lawyer does not light a match. Signing papers and filing in court does. The lawyer is who can look at your situation specifically and answer your questions. Don't ask on here, and clear your browser (abusers know how to search that stuff).

Also, leaving an abusive relationship is the single most dangerous time in a domestic violence victims life. Please do not assume he won't hit you. I'm glad he hasn't yet - but he could, and if he feels like it will help him regain control of the situation he will. He does not care about you - he cares about HIM. Which is why he's accusing you of wanting to "abandon your children". As for being well connected legally, that doesn't mean he will make good decisions, my lawyer ex dug himself so deep he'll never get out of that hole in a court of law. It also doesn't mean he won't hit you. Especially once he realizes you are taking back control of your life. Do not be alone with him after you file until things calm down.

Find a lawyer go is very experienced with DV - seek advice and recommendations from some women's shelters or other posts here on DCUM.