Help walk me thru logistics of divorce when one person won't consent

[Anonymous]

After many years of trying to make a flawed marriage work, I'm nearing the end of my rope. I've tried to talk with H about divorce many times, but he refuses, saying he does not believe in divorce and that if I want to "abandon" the kids that's up to me. (He's an atheist who doesn't believe in therapy, either, and has also refused to talk to a mediator about how to achieve an amicable separation.). What are my options here? It seems like I would have to go out and get an apartment (and hope I could pass whatever credit test without his assistance) then wait a year for the divorce to be able to split marital assets, house etc. Does one usually get a furnished apartment? Or move furniture into a rental (which would be weird for the kids, to have the house half empty). I'm sure there would be a huge fight about taking the kids to an apartment--not that I'm even sure I'd want to, as that would be weird and disorienting for them--and I'm not sure how to avoid a fight in front of the kids about that. Plus I am sure he will bad talk me to the kids (elementary age) telling them that I chose to abandon them.

I know how a divorce is supposed to happe when everyone acts like adults, but not sure how it can or would play out on this situation.

He has a crappy temper, and is the kind of person to respond to any perceived offense with a nuclear reaction, so I'm trying to avoid poking the beast too much.

[Anonymous]

Have you discussed this with a lawyer?

[Anonymous]

You need a lawyer. You may lose custody of the kids. And perhaps you should.

[Anonymous]

So what you're saying is that he is emotionally and verbally abusive.

You need a lawyer consult.

[Anonymous]

^ I'm the above poster and did not notice before re: the temper. Divorce may be needed in case of abuse, adultery, addiction. GET A LAWYER, confidentially. Stop, as you say, "poking" your husband about this.

[Anonymous]

See a lawyer. Do not move out until you do that, especially with kids in the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See a lawyer. Do not move out until you do that, especially with kids in the picture.

You can file, then work out a temporary separation and custody agreement until it's settled. FFS, don't abandon your kids.

[Anonymous]

You can divorce him without his permission. Don't move out though. See a lawyer for insight into your specific process, and make a safety plan in the event that your husband flips out when he finds oUt.

When you file, you will need to divide the assets, including the house. He will not be able to prevent that short of buying you out of the house (which is what my ex did). Custody and child support are also legally required things - he can't just take the kids (neither can you) and can't just refuse to pay (neither can you). Eventually he will be forced to deal in reality. Until then, though, stay safe and keep calm.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. Can anyone walk me through what the weeks/months after filing look like, in this sort of situation? How is it decided who will leave the house? Does one go to court? Obviously I will talk to a lawyer, but once that ball starts rolling, the match is lit, so the speak.

I'm confident he would never hit me--that's a line for him plus he's too smart, as he would realize that it would impact him legally. He would do lots of other stuff to mess me with me legally and psychologically, though...and is more likely to do that if he feels I'm doing any of this behind his back. He's incredibly smart and fairly well connected within the legal community. I guess not that unusual a story for DcUm crowd. I just want to have it all thought through before I take that first step so that I'm not floundering, because he won't be.

[Anonymous]

Do not move out. The party that leaves is at a HUGE disadvantage as to child custody, alimony, child support, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a lawyer. You may lose custody of the kids. And perhaps you should.

Are you insane?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not move out. The party that leaves is at a HUGE disadvantage as to child custody, alimony, child support, etc.

+1

OP, see a lawyer. Get a good one, cause it seems your husband is going to fight regardless, so mediation is just not an option.

Hence, you will need a pitbull.

Do some research, find the best one you can get, and go and tell them everything.

This is really something that you need to speak with an ACTUAL lawyer about.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not move out. The party that leaves is at a HUGE disadvantage as to child custody, alimony, child support, etc.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is he a lawyer? If he's well connected (politically, legally) it can be tough to get a decent lawyer. When my mother tried to divorce my father in the 80's, no one powerful (good) would take her case because of my dad's influence.

[Anonymous]

Is he content with the marriage? Does he want to stay in a dysfunctional marriage? Can you put a condition into the divorce to see a counselor? The problem with divorce and children is that, you may not be married to him, but you will still have to deal with him - constantly. I know you said that your marriage is at its end, do you know what has caused this? Is he not willing to work or change or address the issues. I am truly sorry, I don't think we were meant to be in a miserable marriage. It is supposed to be joyful. I hope you can consult a lawyer and figure out what to do.