Jewish couple adopting AA baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP we are white and DD is adopted and AA. Her birth mother identifies as Muslim but we are raising DD as an Episcopalian. I dont think she is missing out on any heritage or culture she knows nothing about.
On that front I think you are fine.

Having said that, when we went for our first adoption meeting we had to play a game where we had diff colored beads and a cup. The adoption counselor person asked us a bunch of questions and we had to put the coralating bead in the cup. Example questions:
what color is your doctor
what color is your dentist
what color is your hair stylist
what color are 'most' of the people in your neighborhood
what color are 'most' of the people at your place of worship
what color were 'most' of the people in your elem and high school

There were about 10 questions, I cant remember all the others. I am sad to say I had 2 black beads and the other 8 were white.
I wasnt as diverse as I thought I was and how my kid would see her world.
I made a conscious effort to change that, We have a black female doctor, She went to a predominantly black daycare and her public school is majority black. her swimming teacher is black. I now seek out these things for our family and for her.

If you decide to adopt a black child you may need to take a hard look at your own color 'beads" and see if you would be willing to change those if you need to.

OP here. Yeah, we'd probably fail this test. I have quite a few non-white doctors and neighbors and such. But they're all Asian or South Asian, not black.

[Anonymous]

I put DD in the bus to camp this morning. There are about 400 kids at camp. Looking through the pictures last year, there was 1 AA child. I think this is what your family is concerned about. Not necessarily attending camp, but will the child be the only at Hebrew school or at shul?

I agree with you that the Jewish community will welcome and accept the child but the bigger issue is will the child feel out of place.

I think this is a tough question. Good for you for examining it before you are in too deep.

[Anonymous]

PP here, It wasnt so much a pass or fail, it was intended to open our eyes.
I think you should maybe look at adopting a child that will fit in more with your family.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm curious as to what are the long-term risks to you of the immune/clotting protocol. My sister had primary infertility for 5 years due to immune/clotting issues, did tons of IVF which all failed, then got pregnant on her own and did the immune/clotting protocol her entire pregnancy (Heparin, Lovenox, a few other meds), baby born healthy and she is healthy and fine.

[Anonymous]

AA Muslims are rare too but still exist. I have met Black Jewish and Muslim kids as a youngster and it's different but not a big deal. We're AA and DD is often the only vegetarian kid. Sometimes she wants to be like her friends and eat meat. That's life. I don't see a problem here. I think the biggest challenge you might find is exposing your child to other AAs in general so that they aren't isolated and having honest conversations when race interjects itself over the years. Go for it! You can probably find other Jewish AAs if you search.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you adopt an AA child, that child will be asked to shoulder so much that is out of her comfort zone. No one else int eh family will look like the child, the neighborhood and school will not have many black people, her place worship will be virtually all white. It sounds unlikely that any black people will be coming to your house for social gatherings. But you have made it clear that you and your husband have no intention of stretching beyond your comfort zone to make the child feel more comfortable. Put yourself int eh child's shoes. Imagine not seeing yourself reflected around you. Imagine wondering why your parents profess that color doesn't matter to them, but have no black friends. When you adopt a child of color, you become a family of color. Family choices have to be made with the child in mind, not just expecting
the child to suck it up and do what is easiest for the rest of you.
And no, you wouldn't approach and befriend a black person solely because the person is black. You would strike up a conversation with a person because your kids go to the same school, or you meet in yoga class, or your kids play soccer together - the same way you would make friends with other white people. But, if you live and travel in circles where there are no black people at the school. gym or soccer game to befriend, well, again - how will the black child feel in the environment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP we are white and DD is adopted and AA. Her birth mother identifies as Muslim but we are raising DD as an Episcopalian. I dont think she is missing out on any heritage or culture she knows nothing about.
On that front I think you are fine.

Having said that, when we went for our first adoption meeting we had to play a game where we had diff colored beads and a cup. The adoption counselor person asked us a bunch of questions and we had to put the coralating bead in the cup. Example questions:
what color is your doctor
what color is your dentist
what color is your hair stylist
what color are 'most' of the people in your neighborhood
what color are 'most' of the people at your place of worship
what color were 'most' of the people in your elem and high school

There were about 10 questions, I cant remember all the others. I am sad to say I had 2 black beads and the other 8 were white.
I wasnt as diverse as I thought I was and how my kid would see her world.
I made a conscious effort to change that, We have a black female doctor, She went to a predominantly black daycare and her public school is majority black. her swimming teacher is black. I now seek out these things for our family and for her.

If you decide to adopt a black child you may need to take a hard look at your own color 'beads" and see if you would be willing to change those if you need to.

Sorry, but this is crazy especially in an area as diverse as the DC metro region.

Only two colors of beads, white and black?

Not representative of this area at all. She should have had a spectrum of colors from biege through various tans to browns to deep chocolates, and a few swirled beads thrown in for good measure since so many families are mixed races and colors.

[Anonymous]

We live in a neighborhood that had both large AA and observant Jewish populations. There are several families that have adopted children of a different race, including at least one observant Jewish family with a black child. The child seems well-adjusted, although we don't know the family well. It is also a very liberal neighborhood, where families come in all stripes (LGBT, interracial, trans-racial, etc.), so it's not a big deal here.

FWIW, my spouse is black (but not AA) and was adopted by a white family in the 80s, and is pretty well-adjusted. Not many AAs in my in-laws' social circles, but they did make an effort with the few black friends/colleagues they had to include some diversity in their kids' environment (they also had one bio kid). With effort, it can be done, IMO.

[Anonymous]

https://www.facebook.com/groups/transracialperspectives/

maybe consider joining a transracial adoption facebook group.

Is there a reason you are not considering a non-AA baby? I am a mom of a transracially adopted child (international) and I think what you have said being so white and so cut off from all things African American are a problem. If you want to adopt an AA child, then move to a neighborhood with at least 15 percent AA and go to the public school. Ok to raise Jewish, but you need to expand your community so your child is not the only only all the time. He needs to be around other non-white kids, and other AA kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is additionally concerned about adoption because the adoptees he's known anecdotally.

Based on your husband's hesitations I would not adopt an AA baby. I know a Jewish couple who adopted two babies whose parents were not Jewish and are now raising them Jewish. Personally, I think that is wrong because they are denying their children's biological history. Almost as if you adopted from China and raised them to be Mormon.

If you are going to adopt at all you need to discuss this with your husband and perhaps a counselor to work out all the feelings you both have. Perhaps there are Jewish babies/young children available that you are unaware of? Perhaps you can talk to people in your community?

Good luck!

Religion isn't based on biology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP we are white and DD is adopted and AA. Her birth mother identifies as Muslim but we are raising DD as an Episcopalian. I dont think she is missing out on any heritage or culture she knows nothing about.
On that front I think you are fine.

Having said that, when we went for our first adoption meeting we had to play a game where we had diff colored beads and a cup. The adoption counselor person asked us a bunch of questions and we had to put the coralating bead in the cup. Example questions:
what color is your doctor
what color is your dentist
what color is your hair stylist
what color are 'most' of the people in your neighborhood
what color are 'most' of the people at your place of worship
what color were 'most' of the people in your elem and high school

There were about 10 questions, I cant remember all the others. I am sad to say I had 2 black beads and the other 8 were white.
I wasnt as diverse as I thought I was and how my kid would see her world.
I made a conscious effort to change that, We have a black female doctor, She went to a predominantly black daycare and her public school is majority black. her swimming teacher is black. I now seek out these things for our family and for her.

If you decide to adopt a black child you may need to take a hard look at your own color 'beads" and see if you would be willing to change those if you need to.

Sorry, but this is crazy especially in an area as diverse as the DC metro region.

Only two colors of beads, white and black?

Not representative of this area at all. She should have had a spectrum of colors from biege through various tans to browns to deep chocolates, and a few swirled beads thrown in for good measure since so many families are mixed races and colors.

there were more colored beads, for Asian, Hispanic etc, I am telling you the ones that applied to me personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is additionally concerned about adoption because the adoptees he's known anecdotally.

Based on your husband's hesitations I would not adopt an AA baby. I know a Jewish couple who adopted two babies whose parents were not Jewish and are now raising them Jewish. Personally, I think that is wrong because they are denying their children's biological history. Almost as if you adopted from China and raised them to be Mormon.

If you are going to adopt at all you need to discuss this with your husband and perhaps a counselor to work out all the feelings you both have. Perhaps there are Jewish babies/young children available that you are unaware of? Perhaps you can talk to people in your community?

Good luck!

Religion isn't based on biology.

In Judaism, it is!

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are raising two adopted AA kids Jewish. Figuring out ways to support all aspects of identity is important, but race is fundamental; they can't suddenly choose not to be Black, and navigating race is tough in our culture. It's important to find ways to surround your child with others--children and adults--who look like them, both within the Jewish community and in the rest of your life. What does your neighborhood look like? What school would your child go to? etc? Would you be willing to move? As for raising them Jewish, there are increasing numbers of Jews of Color in the American Jewish community--in all the movements, but in any geographic area, you may find that some congregations are more diverse and/or welcoming than others. And both diversity and a welcoming/inclusive culture are important... Kids of color who are raised in very white, not welcoming, J communities generally end up feeling alienated... Many JOCs find Jewish community with other JOCs, even if /when they also make community in more mainstream settings...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AA Muslims are rare too but still exist. I have met Black Jewish and Muslim kids as a youngster and it's different but not a big deal. We're AA and DD is often the only vegetarian kid. Sometimes she wants to be like her friends and eat meat. That's life. I don't see a problem here. I think the biggest challenge you might find is exposing your child to other AAs in general so that they aren't isolated and having honest conversations when race interjects itself over the years. Go for it! You can probably find other Jewish AAs if you search.

Your comparison makes no sense. There is a big difference from what OP is asking about adoption to vegetarianism. I know several vegetarian kids, including mine.

[Anonymous]

I am a black (not AA) mom with a half-Jewish child and a Jewish DH. Unless, you are willing to get out of your "introversion" and make the consistent effort to ensure your child is not racially isolated, you absolutely should not adopt a black child. I have found Jews to be politically liberal, with as much racist ignorance as non-Jewish whites. A child doesn't care that you pat your own back for voting democrat. A child cares that your community is known for calling black people "schwarzes," and people in your community don't invite black children to play dates, want black kids dating their daughter, or want too many black kids at their schools, camps, athletic events etc.

As a black mother, I am equipped to see and handle all of this. You will need to do the work necessary to open your eyes to racism and its impact on your child. It is clear from this thread that you can't be bothered and chalk your laziness up to "introversion." Please adopt someone who looks like you or is Asian, which your community prefers.