Single Mom - only one child & the future
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Anonymous
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You do have a family, but you are allowed to mourn what you thought you wanted. Life doesn't always go the way people want. If you still want to date, though, do so. Maybe you meet someone, maybe you don't. If you do, maybe you have another child, maybe you don't.
For the moment, focus on your child and providing the best life you can for the two of you. |
Anonymous
Most sensible single parent advice posted. |
Anonymous
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Of course you will meet someone! So ridiculous some of the responses. When a huge portion of kids in America are born out of wedlock and then a number of parents get divorced, single parents are everywhere. All those women don't end up alone. You are 30, and living in the dc area, though, so I imagine it wasn't the easiest the past few years because not many women here have children before 30. I am 37, and all of my single mom amd divorced friends are happily remarried or engaged, except for one.
Of course being attractive will help, so exercise and invest in your clothes, skin, etc. but by no means do you have to be perfect. I met my husband at 31. 6 years later we have 4 kids. You are 30. You will most likely have at least one more kid. Remember the more time you spend in relationships that are going nowhere, the more time you lose in finding the right man for you, your kid, and your future kids. Don't teach your child to settle for a loser. |
Anonymous
+1. This is beautiful advice, PP. So true to focus on the child, but it doesn't mean one can't lament that it didn't turn out the way OP wanted. FWIW, I am happily married, have a couple of kids, and it's not as easy or wonderful as it may look, and also, btw, what I envisioned for myself either, as I gave up a huge career that I loved for my current situation. I did have to mourn that vision of the version of my life that I gave up. OP, I have a wonderful friend who was engaged and it didn't work out. At 47 she was in NYC for business on 9/11 and watched the twin towers fall. She was stuck in NY for a week or two, knowing nobody, and did a lot of reflecting about how she hated her (amazing) job/career and had nobody, nothing, had not made a difference in the world, and how had it come to this. She ended up adopting her DD, (who is now 13) and shortly thereafter, retiring. Her life is hard but really rewarding. She doesn't date. She focuses on her blessings, and to the best of her ability, she made her own luck. Now as another tangent, just want to say that "it's not over until it's over." Meaning, you don't know what will happen in your life--my mom is 90, and two years ago a wonderful handsome man proposed to her. LOL Good luck, OP, and just keep the long view in mind. |
Anonymous
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10:04 - I'm the poster you quoted. I also have a life that didn't turn out in any way as I expected/hoped. And even though I have a husband and 2 kids, it isn't the perfect life I had in mind. I struggle to be happy with the way things are vs. the way I thought they would be.
I guess I'm saying that it is natural to be a bit bummed when things don't go according to plan. Try not to feel guilty about that feeling, but at the same time, do your best to focus on what you do have. I try to remember that we have a roof over our heads, our health and a loving family. That generally keeps me from despairing over the things that might have been. |
Anonymous
Eh, I don't know. Just because you have a kid doesn't mean you give up on having a meaningful partner or getting married. Focus on your kid, that's great. I'm a single mom of two myself. But if you want a meaningful relationship, go for it and you will find it. |
Anonymous
Honestly, it sounds like you dodged a bullet with this. You do have a family, and probably a happier one without your kid's biological father in the picture. Even if you're not married, he can still provide child support, but it may be more trouble than it's worth. If he was abusive, it's probably to not have him in your and your kid's life at all. I would make a worst case scenario plan in terms of custody if something God forbid would happen to you. The Women's Center has financial planning support; they may also be able to steer you toward a lawyer who can help you make custody arrangements: http://thewomenscenter.org/counseling/legal-financial-resources/ They also provide family counseling as well as support for survivors of abuse. Their fees are on a sliding scale. Make sure to take care of yourself, OP. Sleep, physical activity, healthy foods are just important for you as they are for your child. |
Anonymous
| OP, why are you worried about dating and guys when you have a young child to take care of, who has only you? |
Anonymous
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I'm also a single mom. It took me a long time feel like what we had was 'family' because it wasn't the stereotype I had in my head (and it was based on a failure). I don't feel that way anymore. I"m very happy with our family. I love being with my kids and the holidays feel complete, even splitting them. I hope I won't stay single forever, but if I do, I won't feel bad for not having a family because I do have one. I was also involved in a lot of abusive relationships and I think I need to learn a lot more before I ever get into a committed relationship again, so it's all for the best.
Good luck, OP. |
Anonymous
Plus 1 - single mom who adopted |
Anonymous
You are a judgmental ass. Do you begrudge married women who enjoy spending time with the husbands? Because if you do, you're an idiot; and, if you don't, then why is that any different than a single mom wanting to find someone? Happy parents make good parents. Keep looking OP, just remember it's not the only thing that can make you happy. Anecdotally, I know a divorced single mom and a 9/11 widow (with 4 kids under 10 at the time!) who both met men through church social groups. (One was a single dad and one was a slightly older man who Thought he had missed out on the possibility of kids and was ecstatic to take on 4.) Is something like that an option for you? Even if you're not religious, if you were raised in any tradition, the community aspect might be nice for you and your daughter. |
Anonymous
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OP, here's an alternative perspective. My DD's nanny is 25 y.o., and about 4 years ago someone abandoned their 1.5 y.o. daughter with her. She became that child's foster parent, and just last week was finally able to formally adopt her. At her age, as an adoptive single parent, she has a long road ahead of her with respect to relationships, finishing school, etc. But she's an amazing mom (way more responsible than I was at her age), and she says that her DD is the best thing that ever happened to her.
I think life works out in many different ways, and no one's is perfect. We struggled for years to have children. I'm happy now, but I often mourn the life I thought I would have...so your feelings are understandable. I don't think your chance for a partner is over...but I do think you already have a family. |
Anonymous
I couldn't agree more. Families come in many forms and yours is one such form. Be grateful for what you do have now, there are others who are not as fortunate + blessed as you are. 
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Anonymous
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Recently divorced 50+ dad. Doing it alone done does suck but being in a relationship with an abusive partner is way worse. Some of is about perception. You have enormous freedom and responsibility. Reframe it - you have a wonderful future with your child regardless if there is someone else. I'm sure there are many people who'd like to date you. Good luck |
Anonymous
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I'm also a single parent. I've been single since my child was 10 months old. It's taken years, but I'm finally starting to date again (just a little, I'm pretty slow moving and haven't gotten serious with anyone).
My little family, just the two of us, is perfect for now though. I love my child, we found a great school for him with plenty of great role models - both male and female - and I'm ok with our family staying the way it is for now. |