Ugly mom with pretty daughter - help me

[Anonymous]

Self defense classes and a whistle or mace!

[Anonymous]

One, self defense classes for confidence.

Two, she needs to trust her gut. If she feels threatened, get the hell out of there.

Three, any lie will do. Most Mrs. Know it is a lie but take the lies better than the truth. She is a less sin, she is married, she has a dad who will hunt down and kill anyone who looks at her.

Four, she needs to learn that she does not have to be nice to everyone. An icy glare can go a long way.

Five, self defense classes. It does not have to be elboate. Just enough so she knows a few basic thing of what to do if something bad happens. I know I repeated it. I think it is that important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have literally never had unwanted attention in your entire life? I am no looker myself but find this hard to believe.

Not OP, but I haven't. I'm overweight. And I think invisible.

Me too. I would love to be invisible, but I'm not. You're beautiful, so am I, although we may not feel like it every single day, or any day, but it's true.

PP, compliments from men or anyone else do not define you. You don't want "compliments" from the men that will give you unwanted attention. Be your true self, and it will shine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One, self defense classes for confidence.

Two, she needs to trust her gut. If she feels threatened, get the hell out of there.

Three, any lie will do. Most Mrs. Know it is a lie but take the lies better than the truth. She is a less sin, she is married, she has a dad who will hunt down and kill anyone who looks at her.

Four, she needs to learn that she does not have to be nice to everyone. An icy glare can go a long way.

Five, self defense classes. It does not have to be elboate. Just enough so she knows a few basic thing of what to do if something bad happens. I know I repeated it. I think it is that important.

This. Believe her and do not discourage her from trusting her gut. Definitely try not to engage if possible and if unavoidable, lie.

Girls are raised to be polite and people-pleasers. In situations like this it is to our detriment. If she feels threatened, it is okay to lie, it is okay to be rude; she just needs to find safety.

I was followed more than once as a high school and college student. In high school when it happened, I made sure to go to a safe place that was not my home (the library, etc.) and seek help. I had a stalker at my job at the mall (the 80s!) and my male co-workers or manager would always walk me to my car after work.

[Anonymous]

I know from experience what this can be like.

I think there are a lot of good suggestions here. I especially like the one about finding another, older woman to help out. Give her the language to ask -- "Excuse me, this man is bothering me. He's following me/harassing me/won't leave me alone, and I need help. I'm 11 years old."

And help her learn to react loudly and clearly so that bystanders can hear her -- "Leave me alone." "It's not okay to talk to me like that"

And yup, believe her. Let her know if she doesn't feel safe, it's fine to go into a store or another public place and ask for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women always talk about being harassed on the street, cat-calling, etc. That has never happened to me. I am ugly. But I have a pretty 13 yr old who is now going places on her own around town, and sometimes she is harassed. I am not really sure what to tell her. Yesterday she was meeting me at work and told me a man followed her for two blocks. I suggested maybe he was just going in the same direction, since they were on a major street many people travel on.

What do I tell her? Ignore? Call them out? Call the police? One time she told me that a man kept trying to flirt with her so she finally told him she was a lesbian so he'd leave her alone. Was this a good idea since it worked, even though she lied? I just have zero experience in this area.

First you need to tell her that in trying to soothe her, you lied about the guy following her. She isn't crazy - he WAS following her, and she needs to know her instinct was correct. Also, tell her not to tell people she is a lesbian - unfortunately, there are some crazies out there that will take this as a challenge. I would get her into some type of martial arts/self defense classes. Also, don't teach her to give out the wrong number. Teach her to give out her number and then block - these days, crazy ass people wil immediately call the number to see if it is correct. You basically need to teach her what she needs to do to get home safely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women always talk about being harassed on the street, cat-calling, etc. That has never happened to me. I am ugly. But I have a pretty 13 yr old who is now going places on her own around town, and sometimes she is harassed. I am not really sure what to tell her. Yesterday she was meeting me at work and told me a man followed her for two blocks. I suggested maybe he was just going in the same direction, since they were on a major street many people travel on.

What do I tell her? Ignore? Call them out? Call the police? One time she told me that a man kept trying to flirt with her so she finally told him she was a lesbian so he'd leave her alone. Was this a good idea since it worked, even though she lied? I just have zero experience in this area.

It's a terrible idea. Some men get angry and violent when they encounter a woman who is a lesbian. You don't want your daughter to get gay-bashed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know from experience what this can be like.

I think there are a lot of good suggestions here. I especially like the one about finding another, older woman to help out. Give her the language to ask -- "Excuse me, this man is bothering me. He's following me/harassing me/won't leave me alone, and I need help. I'm 11 years old."

And help her learn to react loudly and clearly so that bystanders can hear her -- "Leave me alone." "It's not okay to talk to me like that"

And yup, believe her. Let her know if she doesn't feel safe, it's fine to go into a store or another public place and ask for help.

I would make sure she has a phone and knows that she should call 911 if she is scared and a guy won't leave her alone. She can go to a safe place or a safe person: mall security, a cop, a store clerk, a hospital, a doctor's office, etc.

[Anonymous]

First: no man worth his salt should be eyeing/following/commenting on any woman publicly and especially not one under 18.

Second: teens should be more careful to dress appropriately for their age. I see so many girls wearing mid -thigh mini skirts and I tell myself I'd never let my daughter out of the house in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First: no man worth his salt should be eyeing/following/commenting on any woman publicly and especially not one under 18.

Second: teens should be more careful to dress appropriately for their age. I see so many girls wearing mid -thigh mini skirts and I tell myself I'd never let my daughter out of the house in that.

I'm the OP. My DD was wearing skinny jeans, Nikes, and a striped t-shirt that was baggy and went past the openings of her jeans pockets. She was not flirting with anyone, because she doesn't know how to flirt yet. Your post seems to blame the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First: no man worth his salt should be eyeing/following/commenting on any woman publicly and especially not one under 18.

Second: teens should be more careful to dress appropriately for their age. I see so many girls wearing mid -thigh mini skirts and I tell myself I'd never let my daughter out of the house in that.

Oh, gmafb. I was never wearing anything "inappropriate" when I was catcalled and followed.

And all those saying things like "we need an underage sticker" need to realize-- THAT IS EXACTLY WHY 95% OF THESE MEN ARE DOING IT TO THEM-- because they KNOW they're underage. They want a "woman's" or a semi-sexually-mature body in a much more manipulable, vulnerable form (a young teen or pubescent preteen). I was way prettier and more sexily dressed at 17 than at 12, but since I was a D cup and less self-assured and experienced (totally natural and fine!), I was harassed way more often.

I know not all girls that age are "developed", but obviously that's part of what people are suggesting when they imply men don't know they're underage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know from experience what this can be like.

I think there are a lot of good suggestions here. I especially like the one about finding another, older woman to help out. Give her the language to ask -- "Excuse me, this man is bothering me. He's following me/harassing me/won't leave me alone, and I need help. I'm 11 years old."

And help her learn to react loudly and clearly so that bystanders can hear her -- "Leave me alone." "It's not okay to talk to me like that"

And yup, believe her. Let her know if she doesn't feel safe, it's fine to go into a store or another public place and ask for help.

I would make sure she has a phone and knows that she should call 911 if she is scared and a guy won't leave her alone. She can go to a safe place or a safe person: mall security, a cop, a store clerk, a hospital, a doctor's office, etc.

She is, ALAS, going to have to start thinking proactively about how to react.
1. She needs to be aware of her surrounding always. True for everyone, but extra-true for those who are smaller or weaker than likely predators.
2. She needs to know that this behavior is bad, low-class, and otherwise reprehensible, and does not in any way indicate that she did anything wrong.
3. As a result, [and as others have said], she does not owe these oafs (or worse) anything--not politeness, not an answer, NOTHING. As for feeling that someone is following her--she should cross the street, stop in a store, whatever. She should NOT worry about "hurting their feelings." A decent man will either not notice or will understand that no matter how upstanding he may be, she doesn't know him.
4. I like "Leave me alone." But I'd add "Stop talking to me." I don't care for "It's not okay to talk to me like that." But of course it will do.
5. When she is in a familiar area or on a familiar route, it might be good to take note of places that would do for stopping in, though pretty much any reputable business or office will do.

PS Gentlemen do not ogle women in public at all, much less comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have literally never had unwanted attention in your entire life? I am no looker myself but find this hard to believe.

Not OP, but I have had the same expereince. Not so hard to believe, when you live it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First: no man worth his salt should be eyeing/following/commenting on any woman publicly and especially not one under 18.

Second: teens should be more careful to dress appropriately for their age. I see so many girls wearing mid -thigh mini skirts and I tell myself I'd never let my daughter out of the house in that.

I'm the OP. My DD was wearing skinny jeans, Nikes, and a striped t-shirt that was baggy and went past the openings of her jeans pockets. She was not flirting with anyone, because she doesn't know how to flirt yet. Your post seems to blame the victim.

Not saying anything about your DD, but some of our "perfect angel" daughters are deserving of some blame for throwing taste and modesty out the window and dressing like sluts.

[Anonymous]

Not saying anything about your DD, but some of our "perfect angel" daughters are deserving of some blame for throwing taste and modesty out the window and dressing like sluts.

You are what is wrong with people.