Ugly mom with pretty daughter - help me

[Anonymous]

First, as a man, this makes me embarrassed for and angry at my gender.

Second, I second the rec for The Gift of Fear. Lots of support for the idea of trusting your gut and listening when you get a bad vibe from a situation. It's surprising to me how many people seem to walk around unaware of where they are and what's going on.

[Anonymous]

I've told my daughter to make a scene if she's harassed. She's 11.5 and looks older. I read the story about the girl being fondled on the plane and crying until a stewardess came by with drink service and was horrified that she didn't feel empowered to fight back, seek help, or make a scene. I told her to a) smack his hand, b) kick the back of the seat in front of her and when the person turns around, tell them what the guy is doing, c) repeatedly push the stewardess call button, or d) yell loudly enough to draw attention to his bad behavior.

Girls need to know that they don't always need to be nice, and that they guy who is bugging them will be dealt with by the community who will protect the her.

[Anonymous]

Like an earlier poster, I grew up in NYC in the 70s and 80s and was constantly harassed. It was awful, but I learned to be very street smart and very aware of everything around me. I'm also 45 and don't get any cat calls anymore. I have sons, but if I had daughters, I would encourage them to become very street smart. This area is less crowded than NYC. I would encourage girls to not wear headphones, not walk on empty streets or mainly on main streets, pretend to use their cell etc. It's really not a compliment-- it's just scummy. NYC in the 70s and 80s was crawling with men who cat called.... the only positive that came from it was that I am super aware of everything around me at al times.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am glad you are trying to help your DD. I am OK looking but my DD, 14 is truly a beauty. She is also very assertive, but still kids that age will keep quiet when some kind of molesting happens. What works for repelling molesters is never the same with different perverts. I truly wanted to say that I feel sad you would say you are an ugly mom and hence a woman. I know there are good looking and not so great physically looking people, but you have a beautiful daughter, could it be that you were just assertive and confident and that is what prevented jerks from causing you trouble, hence you started thinking you are no good looking. Half of Hollywood actresses are actually hideous, they just act pretty, and people buy into it. You need to project confidence to your DD and well as be confident yourself. After all she has half your genes, so you can't be all that bad looking. Please cherish yourself as you cherish your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to empower her. I was a shy people pleaser and I can't tell you how angry I get now when I remember how badly I was harassed as a teen and a young woman. A man literally came into the store where I was working and said, "I want to smell your p---y" and all I could do was stand there, stunned.

She needs to know that she does not need to talk to anyone, answer any questions, and can tell anyone who is harassing her to f-ck off. Teach her to call the cops, alert security, or tell a manager, whoever, if she is being harassed.

I would not tell her to lie because that only encourages some men who are delighted to have started a conversation. Have her practice saying, No, politely but firmly.

I agree with this but this child needs to be ready for the response, which will almost universally be something like... "fucking bitch, I was paying you a compliment!" or something along those lines.

Some ideas at this link. I might have her have her cell phone handy and say firmly "leave me alone or I am calling the police." Again, be ready for the "fucking bitch, I was just being nice!" response as they storm off.

http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/strategies/assertive-responses/assertive-responses-stories/