Newly admitted addict-leave now or wait

[Anonymous]

Personally I don't think it matters.

He sounds like he mistreated her for years & her love has slowly dissipated over time.

That is on him.

She can leave whenever she wants to. The timing of whether or not he gets clean or not is not her problem to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I don't think it matters.

He sounds like he mistreated her for years & her love has slowly dissipated over time.

That is on him.

She can leave whenever she wants to. The timing of whether or not he gets clean or not is not her problem to deal with.

This. And there will be some like PP who make it out to be her fault, like she should've just stuck it out indefinitely and tolerated his mistreatment, but when you're done, you're done.

It's okay to be done. Be honest about it, handle it directly, walk away with your integrity intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I don't think it matters.

He sounds like he mistreated her for years & her love has slowly dissipated over time.

That is on him.

She can leave whenever she wants to. The timing of whether or not he gets clean or not is not her problem to deal with.

This. And there will be some like PP who make it out to be her fault, like she should've just stuck it out indefinitely and tolerated his mistreatment, but when you're done, you're done.

It's okay to be done. Be honest about it, handle it directly, walk away with your integrity intact.

I agree. My DH of 20 years is a recovered alcoholic and suffers from depression. There are typically underlying issues cause one to be suseptible to substance abuse. Even though an addiction may be broken, the underlying causes remain and must be managed. It's quite common for substance abusers to relapse. It's a cycle that can kill a relationship a little more every time you go through it until there's nothing left.

In my case, we've gotten to the brink of divorce on more than one occasion. Right now, we're in a good place but I wouldn't say we have a strong marriage. I love my DH. He's been sober a good 15 years and when his depression is under control, there's no one I'd rather spend my time with. When it's not in control, I have to, again, determine what is in the best interest of me and our kids. And, I heartily disagree that it's best for the kids to stay together. Growing up with and living with a person who is mentally ill can be horrifically damaging - I have experience with that as well.

[Anonymous]

She should get her butt to an Al Anon meeting. She will learn that she isn't responsible for his addiction. They will help walk her through leaving him and guide her through taking care of her needs and her child's need and then working on still remaining supportive to her STBX.

She should speak to a lawyer so that she can protect her own finances and the assets. Her DH is likely to spend down everything he can if he gets deeper into his addiction. His bad behavior as a husband is probably directly related to his addiction as well. I say this as a recovering addict myself.

I wish them both good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should stick it out if she can. Her child will suffer. She can give hard consequences etc. but the best future for the kid is having a clean dad and a dad in the picture. Not dead, addicted or absent.
She can't be a doormat, but should try again

This is wrong. The child will suffer being in a home with addiction.

And the odds are against him recovering from his addiction any time soon. I think the latest numbers are six attempts of serious rehab before any lasting or meaningful recovery - and then you still never know. Relapses are common even at that point.

This poor mom is not responsible for his recovery. She didn't cause it. She can't control it. And she can't cure it. And her child should not stay in a home with an addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should get her butt to an Al Anon meeting. She will learn that she isn't responsible for his addiction. They will help walk her through leaving him and guide her through taking care of her needs and her child's need and then working on still remaining supportive to her STBX.

She should speak to a lawyer so that she can protect her own finances and the assets. Her DH is likely to spend down everything he can if he gets deeper into his addiction. His bad behavior as a husband is probably directly related to his addiction as well. I say this as a recovering addict myself.

I wish them both good luck.

This advice here is SPOT ON. ^^^^^^^

I'm the PP who said she didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.

[Anonymous]

I would not leave immediately. He might be an ass but is still a human being and the father of his kids. Leaving might throw him over the edge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should get her butt to an Al Anon meeting. She will learn that she isn't responsible for his addiction. They will help walk her through leaving him and guide her through taking care of her needs and her child's need and then working on still remaining supportive to her STBX.

She should speak to a lawyer so that she can protect her own finances and the assets. Her DH is likely to spend down everything he can if he gets deeper into his addiction. His bad behavior as a husband is probably directly related to his addiction as well. I say this as a recovering addict myself.

I wish them both good luck.

This advice here is SPOT ON. ^^^^^^^

I'm the PP who said she didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.

I agree. I am the pp that stayed in the relationship and feels that was the right decision. Not getting divorced doesn't mean that she should pretend everything is okay or bury her head in the sand. She needs to take steps to protect and educate herself. This is the time to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not leave immediately. He might be an ass but is still a human being and the father of his kids. Leaving might throw him over the edge.

I am the pp who stayed in the marriage, and I disagree with this line of thinking. This is very codependent. If he falls over the edge, that's on him.

I stayed because I thought my husband had a good chance at recovery, and I thought it was best to keep our family intact, but I made it pretty clear that this was on him, and if he chose to start using again, he could deal with the consequences on his own.

[Anonymous]

Any advice tnat includesstayong together for the kids is sheer garbage.

[Anonymous]

When you love dope and or liquor more than you love your family, it's time to walk away.

His problem, he needs to work it out and quit punishing the ones around him. I am firm on this belief.

BTDT. NEVER. AGAIN.

[Anonymous]

Leave now. There's no coming back from opioid addiction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has been in a rocky marriage for over 10 years. They have a child in early elementary school. No infidelity that she knows of. But he is very selfish, argumentative, arrogant, chronic unemployment / underemployment (mostly due to his bad attitude ) and overall not a great husband. But she kept sticking it out for the kid (and doesn't want to be *divorced*).

But he's just admitted that he has an opioid addiction and needs help. She's realizing that she doesn't have it in her to support him as he deals with his addiction; there just isn't anything left in the tank. She knows that overcoming and addiction is tough and you need supportive people around you. She's just too angry and tired to be that person.

She's pretty sure she is going to leave him. But the question is when should she do it? Now before he gets clean or after? Looks like they can't afford rehab , so he's doing an outpatient program and may move home to his parents for a little while to get his head on straight.

What should she do?

Leave now. Let him get his fresh start with everything at the same time. It isn't fair to him or to her for her to stay knowing that she is going to leave in a year or two. He needs to get his shit together, and it is going to be twice as hard if she drops a divorce on him in the middle of his early recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave now. There's no coming back from opioid addiction

I've been clean for 23 years. I'll keep that in mind, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave now. There's no coming back from opioid addiction

I've been clean for 23 years. I'll keep that in mind, though.

Congrats. You aren't the norm.